7 OCT 05: THE WEDDING CRASHER

Today we wish a happy anniversary to a couple we know, but you probably don't. Mr. and Mrs. Simon Spark of San Francisco are marking ten years of marriage. Hopefully the romantic "Sparks" have been flying every day....

We especially mark this day because of Mrs. Spark - Lyanne, the former co-worker with whom I was smitten years ago. Regular blog readers will recall our last dinner together in San Francisco [15 May]. I haven't been west of Kansas since that trip -- so doesn't that prove I'm over her?

Lyanne told me at the dinner that she'd be married in Puerto Rico on October 7, 1995 -- and it happened to be convention time in the church denomination I used to attend. The timing was superb: attend a wedding, then pray for a week for a substitute dream woman.

(Why Puerto Rico? Because Lyanne's family lived there and she grew up there. Simon's family is British, and she flew to New York earlier in the year to meet his parents - presumably somewhere near United Nations headquarters.)

My convention plans quickly changed, from Florida to a site in San Juan. And by overhearing conversations among co-workers who stayed in touch with Lyanne, I figured out the ceremony would occur at a beachfront Hilton hotel. Amazingly, I did all this before the C.S.I. shows started....

But one important thing was missing in my preparation: I never received an invitation to the wedding. The thought DID occur to me that they might not want me there - but as handsome as Simon was, I wasn't going there to provide last-second competition.

Armed with sufficient clues about the time and place of the ceremony, I decided to make an exception to a longstanding personal rule - never go where you're not invited. Come to think of it, I guess I break this rule often. For instance, when I check federal court records....

I put on a suit and tie, and made a short Saturday afternoon drive from my suburban San Juan hotel to the "Condado" district. The signboard of events at the Hilton listed the Spark name. But with no invitation, I chose merely to go to the reserved area and stand outside - sort of like gawkers visiting The Today Show.

After a few minutes standing outside in a hallway watching for any familiar faces, a man in a tuxedo came out of the reserved area. He was sweating hard - which seemed strange, since this Puerto Rican hotel had working air conditioning.

This man was the father of Simon the groom -- and he seemed as anxious as a new soldier in basic training. "What's your name?" he asked me. I told him, and said I was a friend of Lyanne.

"Come on in," he said pleasantly. I guess I should have played San Juan casinos during the trip, because I'd just hit an unexpected jackpot.

It turned out the wedding would be outdoors near a beach, so Simon's father led me into a long corridor serving as a waiting area. I met family members on both sides, along with a few former co-workers. I even enjoyed a strolling trio - playing classical tunes, not Puerto Rican salsa.

But things became more unusual from there. The wedding was scheduled for 4:00 p.m., but Lyanne and her bridesmaids were delayed for some reason. She's a TV news reporter, so she knows how to be on time. She also attended Alabama on a track scholarship -- but this was before the movie "Runaway Bride" came out.

At around 4:30 p.m., a brother of the groom approached me and said in front of several guests: "You realize you were not invited." Yes, I realized that. I silently wondered if he investigated what his dad did -- or noticed I did NOT sneak around, looking for bridal waiting rooms.

Was my presence holding up this wedding? If it did, I've never been told that to this day. But Simon's brother told me I could watch the ceremony, and no more. That was fine with me -- and considering it was outside near a beach, it's something any passing swimmer in a bikini might have done.

(Several days later, I found a small magazine at a San Juan grocery store. It listed many of the details for Simon and Lyanne's wedding, printed days before the ceremony. Maybe she should have been disappointed that a fan club didn't show up.)

It was about 4:45 p.m. when we were ushered into a courtyard with a few rows of folding chairs for the wedding ceremony. I actually sat on what normally is considered the groom's side of the aisle -- the easier for his family to see I would NOT act up.

The sun sets in Puerto Rico around 6:00 p.m. at this time of year, and we started to wonder if the bride would need to carry a flashlight down the aisle. But shortly after 5:00, Lyanne came out smiling. No, I do NOT think this was a case like that journalist told Martha Stewart on The Apprentice: "Fake it until you make it."

One of Lyanne's best friends served as maid of honor, and was supposed to read a chapter from the Bible. But she admitted as the ceremony began she left her paper with the words inside. This woman happened to be Telemundo afternoon host Maria Celeste Arrarás -- and some reporters simply can't survive without a script.

I happened to take a small Bible with me to this ceremony, since it was Sabbath afternoon and I guessed there might be some bit of religion in the ceremony. Come to think of it, is THAT why the wedding was delayed? Did someone think I'd start preaching about the couple "living in sin" for months before they wed?

I thought for a second about passing my Bible down the row, so Maria Celeste Arrarás could read I Corinthians 13. But I was already "on probation" with this group, so I didn't. If someone had noticed my Bible and suggested it, that would have been different -- a reluctant hero, instead of someone trying to save a bride at the altar.

Someone came out after a moment with the paper for Maria Celeste Arrarás to read, and everything went smoothly from there. The couple said vows - and in a different twist, all of us in attendance read a vow of our own to support and uphold the marriage. I've sent anniversary cards on occasion since, but no wilted flowers.

The short ceremony ended near sunset, and as our group walked back inside and down the hotel corridor, I was reminded by the groom's family I could NOT follow them to the reception. Even in Puerto Rico, lightning couldn't strike twice in the same place....

Well, hold on a minute. I stood at the "boundary line" at the end of the corridor, chatting for a moment with a member of the cleaning crew - and who should walk up lagging behind the crowd but the new bride Lyanne, still in her wedding gown.

"Congratulations, my friend," I said quietly with a smile.

"Thanks," she said sounding slightly surprised. Perhaps she was surprised I didn't give her a hug, or even a handshake. It was already clear I should be VERY careful around the merchandise.

I went to dinner in a different place, and drove back to my hotel happy for the newly-married couple. Only a week later, during a Sabbath afternoon prayer near the end of the church convention, did I start to cry - thinking about what might have been. So yes, Auburn football fans, I felt your pain last January....

BLOG CORRECTION: We heard from a couple of you about an item we mentioned Thursday - the latest Columbus police incident. This was a typical message:

FYI, the officer did not shoot the suspect, he shot at the suspect. WTVM made the same incorrect statement on the 6 o'clock news last night, but then corrected it during the story.

Thanks to all of you who set us straight. Yet this raises another question. If an officer merely fires AT someone, he's put on administrative leave - even if he or she doesn't hit anyone? How expensive are those bullets, anyway?

Down the street, Muscogee County Sheriff's officers refused to release details Thursday about the security arrangements during Wednesday's jailbreak. A captain said if security details were revealed, the inmates would know them. Can't the jail staff prevent that? At 12:00 noon there's Dr. Phil, at 6:00 p.m. there's The Simpsons....

BLOG UPDATE: We need to give Columbus gas stations a pat on the back. Prices actually have dropped slightly since the Georgia fuel taxes returned last Saturday. I'd say we should give them credit -- but how many people pay for gasoline with cash anymore?

The low price for regular unleaded around downtown Columbus Thursday was $2.95 - a couple of cents lower than last week. Most dealers still are resisting the urge to put the price of a gallon of gas higher than a gallon of milk.

But I've seen at least one convenience store where diesel fuel prices are much higher than unleaded gas - at $3.28 a gallon. In this city of veterans, it's wonderful to see the German threat from World War II has not been forgotten.

Meanwhile, Georgia's Governor faced new questions Thursday about his call to close public schools last week. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported the announcement followed a conference call with agriculture leaders - so perhaps he realized starving children can't learn, even if you can drive them to school.

Now for other items of interest from a cloudy Thursday:

+ Wal-Mart presented its arguments for a Midland SuperCenter at a public meeting. One woman opposed to the store said Wal-Marts tend to kill every small business in a "15-mile circumference" around them. Based on this reasoning, the entire north side of Phenix City should be empty - but it's just the opposite.

(Columbus Councilor Gary Allen admitted next week's vote on rezoning land for Wal-Mart will be his most difficult vote in 14 years on the council. Police officers who keep asking for better pay keep getting subtly slapped in the face.)

+ Auburn police officer Tyrone White surrendered to federal authorities. He's accused of fixing traffic tickets to make extra money. But White claims he negotiated tickets, in exchange for criminal information -- which means it actually can pay to know some criminals.

. (Tyrone White claims he's being framed because he's challenged racism inside the Auburn police force. But this argument seems strange - because why would prosecutors try to kick a "White" man off the force?)

+ The evening news showed a group of people in Opelika which has spent more than a year knitting the world's longest scarf. Anyone who knows how can join this group - so it's nice to see they're not knit-picky.

+ North Carolina State edged Georgia Tech in college football 17-14. For some odd reason, WHAL-AM's broadcast included several local commercials for a Saturday-only sale at "Comp USA " Which empty grocery store is that company taking over today?

(Georgia Tech could have won, but kicker Travis Bell missed two short field goals. In fact, he's now missed five in a row. Maybe if he takes a protractor onto the field with him, for those angles....)

+ WRBL's "Restaurant Report Card" revealed Al's Schnitzel Gasthaus on Warm Springs Road was marked down recently, for having an ashtray with cigarette butts in the kitchen. So? Either you want real smoked sausage, or you don't....

+ Instant Message to the Dairy Queen on Macon Road: That poster is accurate, right - about the "Moolatte" being made with "Columbian coffee?" Is it from Columbia, Missouri or Columbia, South Carolina?

COMING THIS WEEKEND: Is President Bush the anti-Christ? One e-mailer says yes....

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