2 OCT 05: LIGHT'S OUT

"MAIN GATE" reads two big signs above the intersection of Victory Drive and Fort Benning Road. Now that's the way to help the S.O.A. Watch protesters find their way around Columbus next month.

But there could be much more to the placement of two big "Main Gate" signs on this corner near Fort Benning. This appears to be the new name of the Traffic Light Inn - one of the more notorious names along Victory Drive. If you're not familiar with it, let's just say the "light" left on for you often was red....

The Traffic Light Inn and the adjacent Traffic Light Lounge gained a reputation for (ahem) sexy activity. Columbus city officials worked for years to put the lounge out of business, and it now stands empty. For some odd reason, neither "God Bless Fort Benning" nor S.O.A. Watch have claimed it as office space.

The Traffic Light Inn went on Fort Benning's "off-limits list" several months ago. That list hasn't received much attention lately - but for many of the businesses on it, it's been the economic equivalent of Benning soldiers firing mortar shells at them.

I'm not sure if the ownership has changed, but it appears the new "Main Gate" reflects an effort to clean up this motel. For starters, it's actually advertising "extended stay" lodging - instead of the old "one-night-stand" approach.

There are other things the Main Gate motel could do, to get off the Fort Benning off-limits list. For instance, how about offering free wireless Internet access - for rambunctious guys too shy to pick up hookers?

As for other places on the Fort Benning list:

+ "Drive 1" on Victory Drive still stands empty. You'd think that would be the perfect part of Columbus to put a Hummer dealership....

+ A new "Columbus Beauty Supply and Barber Shop" has opened near Eighth and Veterans Parkway. Fort Benning declared a restaurant in that building off-limits, even though it had been closed for months -- so don't expect any soldiers to walk in and buy styling mousse for awhile.

+ I haven't noticed any Fort Benning soldiers along the Phenix City Riverwalk recently. They were banned from getting too close to the Chattahoochee - so maybe the troops are visiting fish markets nowadays.

BLOG UPDATE: Columbus gas stations seemed to be on their best behavior Saturday, as fuel taxes returned in Georgia. Very few stations rushed to increase their prices - and they were the usual suspects, who didn't lower prices right away a month ago.

The only place where I saw a run on gasoline Friday was outside the Dolly Madison bakery on Victory Drive. At 2:45 p.m., lines were long for gas at $2.87 a gallon. At 4:30 p.m., the pumps were dry - and customers had to go inside and buy boxes of Hostess cupcakes, for a different sort of gas.

Now let's take a spin around the area, for other weekend headlines:

+ The annual Columbus International Festival was held - and this year for the first time, it occurred as part of the Greater Columbus Fair. So were the "exotic animals" from the petting zoo mixed in? Did dancers from Peru have to dance while riding on llamas?

+ Parts of Georgia ended the driest September on record, after having the wettest summer on record. Some church pastors suspect this is more than mere coincidence - yet for some reason, they didn't encourage us to pray for Hurricane Rita to move this way.

+ An Opelika Middle School teacher who's moved here from the hurricane damage zone was welcomed with a "pounding party." And all this time, I thought a "pounding party" in Opelika occurred when a bad high school football team came to town.

+ The Ledger-Enquirer reported Columbus High School baseball coach Bobby Howard now will coach the boys' basketball team as well. This looks like yet another sign that Ashley Powell's discrimination lawsuit is going all the way to trial....

+ Auburn's football team embarrassed South Carolina 48-7. The Gamecocks' coach spun around in frustration so much that a new movie is planned - "The Exorcism of Steve Spurrier."

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $2.95 a gallon at BP on Second Avenue.... large one-topping pizzas for $4.99 at Cici's.... and the last day to get sick on funnel cakes and spinning rides at the fair....

SCHEDULED MONDAY: Grown women in grass skirts -- in Midland?! We have the pictures....

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