30 OCT 05: BEACH HEADS

They're known locally as the "Beach Police" - but I didn't realize that until my latest vacation. When two cruisers from the Panama City Beach, Florida force surround your car, you tend to notice the logos on the side a bit better.

Was I ever surprised when two "Beach Police" officers came upon my car in a shopping center parking lot a couple of weeks ago. It was especially surprising, considering I was at least a half-block away from the beach....

But here's the biggest surprise: I was surrounded while doing nothing more than listening to the radio. I arrived extra-early at my church denomination's convention for a morning seminar, so I parked in the shopping center lot and listened to Christian radio for 30 minutes. Maybe that was the problem - I wasn't on the beach, like a good tourist.

I was supposed to park at the shopping center, because the church convention took place at a resort complex across the street with limited parking. That's curious enough in itself - because the convention is supposed to picture the knowledge of God being opened to all, and yet it's inside a gated community.

But anyway: two Beach Police officers pulled up as I hopped out of the car. "Are you all right?" one asked, suggesting some people were concerned about me. No, I hadn't stayed out drinking all night at any beach clubs....

I wore a shirt and tie, with a sportcoat to put on at the seminar and a briefcase for my Bible and notebook. But the Beach Police asked for my drivers' license, and did a records check on me. I decided this was no time to offer them my CD.

So what caused this unexpected run-in with the law? I didn't grasp it until a police officer explained. My car was parked facing a Vision Bank office, and the staff apparently feared I was planning a robbery. If they had heard my radio.... well, no. The criminal in "Pulp Fiction" quoted Bible verses, didn't he?

The police check found no outstanding warrants against me. In fact, I was relieved to learn I wasn't on some Columbus Police "watch list" for some of the jokes I've written here....

"Our apologies for the inconvenience," one officer said after the license check and a short chat.

"Send my apologies to the bank," I replied, "because I didn't mean to scare anybody." Next time I rent a car for vacation, I'll be sure to ask for one which isn't black.

There were other memorable moments during my trip to Panama City Beach. One was the restaurant server who told me she knows Columbus well, from trips to the Woodruff Farm soccer complex. I assume she's a goalie, because she served dinner with her hands.

(The server's name was Maite, at a bayside restaurant called "Hooks." If she works there long enough, I suppose she'll be promoted to First Maite....)

The weather was wonderful during most of our ten days at Panama City Beach. But the "red tide" algae made it hard to breathe for a couple of days. I'd rather be around the Crimson Tide than the red tide any day.

One restaurant's menu noted as of last year, 37 different condominium towers were under construction along the Gulf of Mexico in Panama City Beach. Some of them seem to be 20 stories tall or higher - and they're slowly turning the "Redneck Riviera" into the world's tallest seawall.

People must be interested in those high-rise Gulf Coast condominiums. I saw one ad offering a large condo for $950,000. After this year's hurricanes, can't you buy several city blocks of New Orleans for that price?

(Perhaps this explains why a coin laundry near Panama City Beach's city hall charges $1.75 to use standard washers. I hereby forgive my usual laundromat for raising its price earlier this month to one dollar.)

Several small motels, restaurants and condo complexes are holding out so far - but the difference along the beach is noticeable from my first trip to the Panama City area four years ago. Ten years from now, the big attraction there might be tightrope walkers between the high-rises.

We must also alert Midland residents -- Panama City Beach has a big Wal-Mart Super-Center in the middle of it. It has for years - yet all those small shops offering tattoos, waffles and beachwear find a way to stay open.

So how was the church convention? All in all, it was OK. But it had some curious moments:

+ I was invited to five separate activities - but only two of them actually happened. One man from Mississippi promised to cook burgers and hot dogs at the condo complex where I stayed. But when he tried to explain why it's OK to be drunk if you don't harm anybody, I became skeptical of his invitation -- and sure enough....

+ In another case, I was invited to a "potluck dinner" at the fourth floor of a tower - but after knocking on the door and ringing the bell several times, no one answered. That big bag of potato chips was tasty driving home.

+ A message board for singles outside the main meeting hall had only two index cards on it at one point - and both of them were blank.

UPDATE: We've now posted pictures from Panama City Beach for you - and now let's look at weekend events here at home:

+ People across the area returned to standard time, by setting their clocks back. I have to be careful doing this - because if I set them back too far, they'll fall off the table.

+ The Convention and Visitors Bureau marked "Columbus on My Mind Day." For some reason, no candidates for Georgia state offices were noticed in the crowd.

+ The price of gasoline in downtown Columbus dropped again, to a low of $2.25 a gallon. Yet someone told me the price was $2.09 a gallon in southwest Missouri about a week ago. I assume that was for gas, and not Ozark moonshine....

+ The "Chattahoochee Chronicle" reported judges are accusing the Chattahoochee County Sheriff of "pocketing" dozens of arrest warrants. Well, this IS a unique way to avoid having an overcrowded jail.

+ Habitat for Humanity announced it will open an Atlanta office, but keep its headquarters in Americus. No one's asking the obvious question here - will part of the Americus office be torn down, and used as building materials in Atlanta?

+ WXTX "News at Ten" weekend anchor Elizabeth White revealed she became married last Saturday. But for some reason, no videotape was shown of the ceremony. Katie Couric would never let that happen....

+ Columbus State University's women's soccer team lashed Lander 3-0. In only its second season, C.S.U. tied for first place in the Peach Belt Conference. So how many Cougar players are on Mia Hamm's e-mail list?

+ Instant Message to Captain D's on the 280 Bypass in Phenix City: How COULD you? Your sign is promoting "all you can eat battered fish" - during Domestic Violence Awareness Month?!?!

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