Friday, April 29, 2005

29 APR 05: WE GO TO THE NINTH



"This is a refill cup," I told the man behind the counter the other day, looking for a discount on my diet cola.


"That'll be six dollars," he answered. The man was trying to be funny - but at a Spectrum store selling gas for $2.11 a gallon, it didn't seem that far-fetched.



"Don't they have a sense of humor in Atlanta?" the attendant continued. I was wearing one of the Peachtree Road Race T-shirts I earned years ago -- back when running six miles was an accomplishment, and before driving six miles became something to think twice about.



"I was trying to make you smile," the attendant finally explained. I guess he considers that part of his job. I wonder if he also tells lottery players they're already losers.



After the attendant's explanation, I took a moment to collect my thoughts - then responded: "I moved to Columbus from Atlanta April 29, 1997. People DO have a sense of humor there, given the fact that Atlanta has a couple of comedy clubs while Columbus only has one night a week at The Loft.



"I have a web site, ColumbusGA.blogspot.com , where I post comedy items six days a week." I stopped there, figuring I'd covered all the issues the attendant brought up. Well, except for comparing the price of gasoline and diet cola -- and the diet cola might have more additives than premium unleaded.



"Anything else?" I asked the attendant after replying. He had nothing more. "Thank you" - and then I smiled. Convenience stores may control my wallet, but I refuse to let them control my face.



The timing of this encounter was interesting, because today marks eight years since a moving company packed up my stuff and moved me two hours down the interstate from metro Atlanta to Columbus. I haven't missed the "Big A" nearly as much as I thought I would - and I certainly don't miss the miles of traffic jams driving to work.



A lot has changed in Columbus in the last eight years. In 1997, there was a Mrs. Winner's chicken shop downtown on Veterans Parkway and a small library on 12th Street. Now they're both gone -- and people still debate whether the big new library is a winner or not.



Not only that, you could hear Don Imus on morning radio in Columbus eight years ago. Now he's been kicked off TWO local radio stations - and I really doubt "Hallelujah 1460 AM" is interested in putting him on the air.



A lot has changed in my own life over eight years as well. Who would have guessed in 1997 I'd be sharing thoughts with you online? Back then, a "blog" was what a new immigrant from Eastern Europe would say belonged on a "blonfire."



But some things in my life remained unchanged from April 1997. When I told co-workers I was leaving a temporary job in Atlanta to move to Columbus, one woman asked if I might find "Mrs. Burkard" here. Since I'm the only Burkard listed in the
phone book, I guess the answer is no....



As it happened, I took an online survey this week which asked lots of questions about dating and relationships. The focus seemed to be on developing better Internet dating services -- even though I noted I've never used one. How can you take a woman out to dinner when she's 2,000 miles away, and might really be an undercover detective?



One question asked me to rate on a 1-5 scale whether I doubt I'll ever be married. I leaned toward "yes" in my answer - but now that we know Tom Cruise is dating 16-year-younger Katie Holmes, I might reconsider this....



While people in Columbus haven't really tried to match me with someone, strangers in other cities actually are. This week the postal service brought me a letter from Ohio, promising to reveal secrets to "win any lover in any situation." Yeah, but what if almost all my friends and co-workers are married already?



SHHHHH -- the letter writer asked me to keep this confidential. But I've been invited to join a "secret society" which includes famous actors, intellectuals, "millionaires, professional gamblers, Casanovas, statesmen." OK, so Bill Clinton is a member....



I could learn the mysterious secrets to love, moneymaking, losing weight, controlling people AND winning at poker -- all in a FREE 80-page book! What could all these things have in common? Oh, I know what it is - but I tend to be skeptical about hypnotism.



To gain all these secrets, all I have to do is mail or fax an "invitation form" to New Jersey by the end of today. So all these amazing secrets are in New Jersey?! Then why are the Nets playing so poorly against Miami in the N.B.A. playoffs?



The "Nouveau Tech Society" letter claims I was sent this top-secret exclusive invitation because I have "several rare traits." It doesn't say what these traits are - but maybe one of them is that I'm a sucker for flattery.



Some unnamed experts who reviewed a "profile" of me determined I'm entering "cycle two" of the "seven fundamental cycles of life." This was stunning to me - because as we all know from commercials, dogs only have four cycles.



This cycle two which I'm supposedly entering is "the cycle of breaking bondage." Yet the letter emphasizes "Casanovas" and winning lovers a lot -- so I guess I'm not supposed to marry these women....



The people at the top-secret Nouveau Tech Society may have forgotten something, though -- something called the Internet. When I "Googled" this group, I found one web site where dozens of recipients of the invitation dismissed it as a scam by a cult. But then, I have friends who say the Roman Catholic Church is the same thing.



You may be disappointed to learn I am NOT returning the invitation to get the Nouveau Tech Society's book. But look on the bright side. If I ever find that right woman, she'll have an even chance at beating me at poker.



As I prepare for my Columbus anniversary jog downtown this evening, let's check what made news on Thursday:


+ Leslie Robertson of the Academic Success Center was named Muscogee County's Teacher of the Year. She receives $1,000 and free use of a car for a year - but wait a minute! If she's never received a "Golden Apple Award," is she entitled to this other stuff?



+ The latest TV news "Honesty Test" checked whether people would steal a credit card left at a Columbus gas station. But out of five people shown, no one used it to fill their tanks. That should prove it once and for all -- Columbus residents are so decent and civilized, we don't need all those police officers.



+ But then again, Columbus Police reported an officer happened upon two masked men behind a Spectrum station on Fort Benning Road. Police arrested the men, alleging they were about to rob the store. Defense attorneys will argue they were heading for a "halfway to Halloween party."



+ Russell County volunteer firefighters expressed concern a proposed five-cent increase in tobacco taxes will leave them with less money, because fewer people will smoke. These crews actually must think fewer people are driving, since gas prices topped two dollars a gallon.



(The Russell County Commission rejected a five-cent tobacco tax increase this week, because the money would renovate Fort Mitchell's visitors center instead of help emergency personnel. I guess this makes it a "pro-life" commission - with ambulances ahead of veterans' cemeteries.)



+ Alabama Republicans revealed Vice President Cheney will speak at Auburn University's commencement in two weeks. Plans are already underway for possible trouble. The "secure undisclosed location" for the Vice President will be behind the Auburn football team's offensive line.



+ WRBL's "Restaurant Report Card" found the Valley Rescue Mission's kitchen received a perfect 100 score from the health inspector. That led me to wonder -- does this mission's kitchen ever prepare devil's food cake? Or is it only angel food?



+ Instant Message to the Columbus State University women's softball team: After seeing you on the news Thursday night, your title-winning season inspired a new tongue-twister: "Tiffany Tootle's team trumpeted a total turnaround."



BLOG CORRECTION: Contrary to what we posted several weeks ago, Auburn CityFest actually is THIS weekend. It's on a different weekend from the Columbus Riverfest - and it's also different, because we haven't heard anybody threaten to boycott it.



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