10 APR 05: SCREEN PLAY

The free item on the table and the sign in front of the table simply didn't belong together. So I had to tell the woman standing behind the table. "It says Health Department -- and you have funeral home note pads?"

But I should start at the beginning. This past week was National Public Health Week. It was a perfect time for local health department to advertise what they can offer -- and a perfect time for people with no health insurance to avoid a pricy trip to the doctor.

The Columbus Health Department promised "free screenings" during the week -- but TV stations gave no schedule, saying you had to call for details. This seemed puzzling to me. After last fall's scare with flu shots, are they rationing everything now?

Your blog went anonymously to the Columbus Health Department on Comer Avenue Tuesday to find out what was happening. At the front information desk, the staff seemed stumped when I said "free screenings." Maybe they thought I took a wrong turn at Carmike headquarters.

After a moment, we were directed to the health office on the second floor -- and not knowing where else to go, we walked in with the after-lunch group to the outpatients' clinic. Yes, the clinic closes at 12:00 noon for lunch. Your city government supports three square meals a day -- but perhaps not employee overtime.

Most of the people in line had appointments at the clinic. We did not - and when we mentioned "free screenings," we were directed to the opposite end of the second floor. Your city government supports walking for your health, too....

A WIC clinic was open at the opposite end of the second floor. Now this looked more like a government office - with people behind glass windows, as if they're protecting all the city safe deposit boxes.

But this was not the place for the free screenings, either. A woman allowed me through a door into the back, then wound me around some offices until I was next to the second-floor elevator. If I wanted to take laps inside a building, I'd go to a gym and jog.

At the center desk of the Health Department, they still weren't sure exactly when the free screenings would occur. So I was ushered down the hall to a small office -- and finally I met a woman who knew the schedule. On this Tuesday, there were none. My consolation prize was a choice of free pamphlets -- but I'm not pregnant, and don't have AIDS.

Before I left the building, I wondered about the "food court" sign in the first-floor foyer. That's what the Health Department calls a room with a few vending machines, and perhaps a couple of counters. What - not even a weight-losing Subway shop?

Free screenings were available at the Columbus Health Department Wednesday and Thursday. But I had other commitments Wednesday - and when I returned Thursday afternoon for an osteoporosis screening, the doctor had just finished. It was enough to make anyone's bones brittle....

But another opportunity came Friday, when the Russell County Health Department had its own program in Phenix City. I would have arrived several minutes earlier than I did - but the balloon marking National Public Health Week covered the Health Department's sign on Crawford Road. [True!]

This event led me to the curious site I mentioned at the start - a Russell County Health Department table offering free note pads from Taylor Funeral Home. At least they weren't at the table with the free blood pressure check, for those whose readings were bad....

"You're perfect!" a woman told me after she checked my blood pressure. Oh dear! After a woman says words like that, I should ask her out on the spot -- and it never crossed my mind.

The Russell County Health Department event offered much more than Columbus did - with the area agency on aging handing out plastic travel mugs, and a snack table offering everything from vegetables to cinnamon raisin bread. And they didn't even check my car for a Russell County license plate.

As I left the building on Crawford Road, a woman actually said, "Happy Public Health Week!" In Columbus, I get the feeling this statement would have required a staff meeting first....

Now before we get plenty of rest, some other notes from a drop-dead gorgeous spring weekend:

+ A Columbus police auction of seized property raised tens of thousands of dollars. Maybe if City Manager Isaiah Hugley cleaned out his office closet and held a yard sale, he could get those thousands of extra dollars in pay.

+ The new "Columbus Fire Station 10" held its grand opening on Benning Drive - two months after it actually opened. If it takes this long to arrange a grand opening, I shudder at the thought of a fire breaking out in this neighborhood.

(The new fire station is next to the Benning Park handball/racquetball courts. I'm a bit embarrassed to say I'm one of the people who "donated" a free ball to the construction crew, by hitting one over their fence.)

+ A large crowd and a variety of fancy-looking cars attended the second annual "AutoFest" at South Commons. Did you see the man on TV who said he spent $24,000 in two years on detailing his car? These lottery winners give themselves away sooner or later....

+ Instant Message to the Alabama driver with a steering wheel sticking out from the trunk of his Jaguar: That'll teach you to go from 0 to 50 in 4.5 seconds, without checking for other drivers in the way.

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