17 APR 05: JAMAICAN-STYLE JERKED

"Hello, is this Mister Richard B-U-Kard?" That's how the telemarketer pronounced it when she called me Friday evening - spelling out my name, like I'm a graduate of Beacon University or something.

"Mister B-U-Kard, I want to thank you for being a loyal customer of BellSouth," the female voice continued. I didn't bother correcting the pronunciation of my last name. It merely would have delayed my telling her no.

The woman called to offer me all sorts of extra BellSouth benefits for $35 a month - things I don't have now, and really don't need:

+ Caller ID? Well, if I had it, I probably wouldn't have listened to this in the first place.

+ Call waiting? I've waited weeks for some people to call me back....

+ Three-way calling? So far, no one's asked me to mediate the Riverfest boycott.

The telemarketer said something I didn't understand, then said: "I'm going to record the rest of our conversation, OK?"

"I didn't understand the sentence before that, but OK."

She repeated the sentence, which mentioned something clerical -- only she pronounced it "co-lerical," as if accepting this offer would keep me from developing colic.

The woman's strain to pronounce words led me to suspect this was one of those "outsourced" calls, so I asked the woman: "Are you calling from here in Georgia?"

"No, I'm not in Georgia."

"Where are you calling from, if I may ask?"

"Jamaica."

"Oh, so you're Bell REALLY South."

Yet this woman had an accent which was nowhere close to Jamaican. It sounded more like India or Bangladesh. Perhaps she was the wife of an international cricket star -- and was tired of playing "wicketkeeper" at home.

(I had friends in Atlanta who were natives of Jamaica, and their English was much better than this telemarketer. In fact, I think they'd have as much trouble understanding some rap songs as I do.)

The fact that BellSouth is using telemarketers from (allegedly) Jamaica raises some questions for me. For one thing, if long-distance calling rates are so low in other countries, why doesn't BellSouth recommend I sign up for phone service there?

There might be a more obvious question from some of you. If Atlanta-based BellSouth is using telemarketers from outside the U.S., why should flag-waving U.S. citizens do business with this company? Of course, I'd ask if you also stay away from BP gas stations -- since those letters stand for "British Petroleum."

But anyway: the telemarketer proceeded to verify my name as "B-U-Kard," along with my address. Then she asked, "May I have permission to access the record...." of my phone number. If only she'd asked permission to CALL my phone number in the first place.

With permission granted, the woman went on to tell me all the extra features would be added. If I had any questions, I could call a toll-free 877 number. "Thank you again for using BellSouth...."

"Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!!!" I felt this woman was about to hang up on me, but something was noticeably missing here.
"Aren't you going to ask me if I WANT these extra features?" Some telemarketers act like I'm a five-year-old who doesn't know better.

"I gave you permission to access my record, but you never asked me if I wanted the features." This trick is known in telemarketing as a "presumptive close," where silence equals consent. Politicians use this at the polls all the time, claiming "mandates" when not many people vote.

"Would you like these extra features?" the telemarketer finally asked.

"No." To her credit, the woman in Jamaica didn't ask me why I didn't want those features. But then again, maybe she was shocked that a customer actually was not duped by this.

"Well, thank you for being a loyal customer of BellSouth," she concluded.

"I'm more likely to be a loyal customer if you'd ask if people want what you're offering. Isn't that only fair to people?"

"What, sir?" Was she actually keeping the recording of this going - perhaps to submit this to "Crank Yankers?"

"Isn't that only fair?" I repeated.

"Yes, sir," the telemarketer answered. Maybe someday I'll know if this was a coached answer from the supervisor standing next to her.

This whole experience is almost enough to make me question whether I should keep BellSouth for local phone service. As a customer, I really don't mind occasional calls from the staff - but sometimes they can be downright annoying. Take the three times in a week BellSouth called to tell me broadband Internet had reached my block....

Now for other less troublesome items, from an otherwise picture-perfect spring weekend:

+ The Port Columbus "Civil War Naval Museum" hosted an antique car show. Aw c'mon - this rewriting of history has got to stop....

+ Habitat for Humanity's fired founder Millard Fuller announced plans for a new charity, called "Building Habitat." Donations to that other "Habitat" have dropped since his departure - so shouldn't "tearing down" be more appropriate?

+ The Columbus Riverdragons rolled over Roanoke 96-89, to advance to the N.B.D.L. championship game next Saturday. As long as the team doesn't mention the dreaded and controversial word "Riverfest," it should draw a big crowd.

(The Riverdragons held N.B.D.L. scoring champion Isaiah Victor to only one point in the first half. We dare him to change his last name to "Loser" now.)

+ Perhaps inspired by the Riverdragons on my headphones, I had my longest run in years: 3.4 miles nonstop! I jogged throughout the third quarter of the game - and since Roanoke almost cut the lead in half, I'd say I had a better period than the Dragons did.

+ The church congregation I attend played a DVD about the denomination's summer youth camps. Wow, was this a shock! I never thought the day would come when I'd hear someone sing "She-Bangs" during a church service.... [True!]

+ Instant Message to WXTX: Did I miss something -- or has Rosalyn Hall won your public safety award two months in a row? Is she showing up the other members of the police force?

COMING MONDAY: A follow-up to the recent Ledger-Enquirer article on this blog....

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-- 1ST REVISION 4.18.05, 12:12am