15 APR 05: THE YANKE WINS

Instant Message to the Columbus Catfish: Don't worry too much about only 1,207 fans showing up for opening night Thursday. It was NOT because of your losing record. Fans didn't show up for Riverdragons games, when they were 11-0.

The Columbus Riverdragons are only two wins away from the N.B.D.L. title, as the playoffs begin this weekend. But then again, three other teams are only two wins away - as the league for some reason has changed to a "final four" single-game format this year. Do THAT many players have to start other jobs May 1?

The Riverdragons are at the Civic Center for all playoff rounds, because they won the regular-season title. Saturday night they host the Roanoke Dazzle. So was it Roanoke's baseball or hockey team which took the nickname "Razzle" first?

The most interesting name on the Riverdragons' roster is a player who joined the team only in January - center Neil Yanke. His last name is pronounced like "Yankee." So I'm a bit surprised people from Taylor and Sumter Counties haven't shown up, simply to boo him.

Neil Yanke's story is quite interesting. He played college basketball at Yale, then had a tryout with the Los Angeles Lakers last fall. Too bad he didn't try to play in Sacramento -- because then we would have had a Connecticut Yanke on a Kings' court.

I did some online research on Neil Yanke Thursday night, and found an article from his college days. At Yale, he called himself the "King of Minesweeper." If this computer game was his claim to fame, Yanke must have been broke after paying Ivy League tuition.

A teammate of Neil Yanke at Yale declared in 1999 the 6-11 center "likes to walk around really slow, looks lazy, and is goofy." In other words, he could fit in easily at the House of Mercy....

Neil Yanke graduated from Yale with a psychology degree four years ago - then didn't play pro basketball at all for three years. I'm not sure why he took this break. Perhaps he tried to work as a psychologist, and found people aren't as mixed up as Ivy League teachers led him to believe.

Neil Yanke attempted to restore a basketball career at the Los Angeles Lakers training camp last fall. He didn't make the final cut - but imagine if he had. A guy from Yale would have succeeded Shaquille O'Neal at center. Why, that's almost like a Yale graduate replacing Bill Clinton as President....

(Perhaps Yanke tried out for the Lakers one season too late. Coach Phil Jackson could have taught him a lot about psychology - such as how to keep Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal happy at the same time.)

What sort of jokes do you think Neil Yanke has faced in his basketball career? I can imagine some....

+ When he fouled out of the final regular-season game last Saturday night, I said to myself: "Yanke, go home."

+ If he uses grocery coupons to save money, that would make him a "Yanke clipper."

+ Perhaps he'll someday open a men's clothing store - and sell "Yanke pinstripes."

BLOG UPDATE: An advisory commission on Columbus public safety began a series of open forums Thursday night. From what I saw on TV, hardly anybody attended the first forum at Baker Middle School. Did Baker Village residents fear police would show up and arrest them?

Some people at the open forum complained police response times are too slow. Public Safety Advisory Commission members admit a shortage of 35 officers is one reason for that. And it certainly would help if some NASCAR teams donated cars they don't use anymore....

Now for other items from a simply spectacular Thursday:

+ Barbour County authorities admitted a recent security sweep of the courthouse in Eufaula uncovered a box cutter and a loaded revolver. The Sheriff's Department appreciates the donations - but please hand them over at the front desk.

+ "Riverfest Media Day" was held on Broadway, so reporters could learn all about next weekend's event. It was kept so quiet, civil rights groups with offices a block away apparently never showed up....

(Chairman Fred Greene said Riverfest is "an important event in our community." This may mark the first time the rock band Smashmouth has been considered important by anybody.)

+ The head of the Small Business Administration came to Columbus. Hector Barreto made the trip to promote President Bush's Social Security reform plan. So of course, the evening news totally ignored that and focused on his visit to a child care center's manager.

+ WRBL's "Restaurant Report Card" revealed health inspectors recently ordered the Pizza Hut on Manchester Expressway to throw out its salad bar. I presume the staff chose the "hand-tossed" approach to doing this - instead of having a "thin crust" about it.

(The salad bar was trashed because cold food was kept at the wrong temperature. Maybe we should blame some local broadcasters for this. The other night, WDAK's Scott Miller said the C.S.U. baseball stadium was "cold" when the temperature was in the sixties.)

+ Earlier on "News 3 at 5:00," WRBL's Jessica Clark put on a 1920's-style flapper hat for an interview about historical books. I sincerely hope she's never asked to interview someone about the life of Al Jolson.

COMING SOON: Why was I driving my car over a wet carpet?....

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