24 FEB 05: THE COLON-IAL PERIOD
The e-mail to this blog gets more interesting all the time. Take this recent message:
Mr.Burkard thinks the problems in Columbus are funny. What would you expect from someone who walks around looking at his colon all the time?
We'll get to that part about "funny problems." But the writer will be thrilled to know I took a break from looking at my colon the other day - and I went to look at someone else's.
With amazing timing, this e-mail reached me as the "Colossal Colon" arrived at the Columbus Public Library. It's on display for only a couple more days, before it's loaded back on the delivery truck - which I guess we could call a "semi-colon."
The Colossal Colon is so colossal that it comes in 18 parts, and takes 90 minutes to put together. It's a bit surprising Habitat for Humanity volunteers weren't called in to do all this work....
Columbus Regional brought the Colossal Colon to town to teach lessons about colorectal cancer. I didn't realize it's one of the deadliest forms of cancer in the U.S. So where is the tour showing off the Larger-Than-Life Lung?
Bulges inside the wall of the Colossal Colon show the growth of polyps. But the color scheme inside the colon is in such faint shades of red and orange, I looked at them and saw doughnut shop pastries.
If the polyps develop too far, the Colossal Colon shows the inside and outside damage which colon cancer can cause. Anyone who can eat cherry pie after seeing this part of the display probably is a prime candidate for "Fear Factor."
A small child might be able to walk through the Colossal Colon - but adults have to crawl inside it for a clear look at its displays. It only took me a couple of minutes. And I'm thankful to report I've kept my weight down, so I didn't get stuck inside.
(Of course I had to crawl through the Colossal Colon. The last time I recall seeing something billed as "colossal," it was a loaf of Hillbilly Bread back home in the Midwest.)
One main goal of the Colossal Colon tour is to persuade people to undergo a colonoscopy. An alternative colon check is the "double contrast barium enema" - which I think is a 21st-century version of the "barbed-wire enema" George Wallace reportedly endorsed.
The good news is that colon cancer is preventable. It can be as simple as regular exercise and eating a high-fiber diet. It turns out the Public Library's parking lot layout and stairway should give one of these - but they'd better not start serving raisin bran brownies in the café.
After thinking it over, it's only fitting that the Colossal Colon tour came to town. In Spanish, the name "Columbus" is translated as "Colon." Now if only our city will become as colossal....
E-MAIL UPDATE: The message which began today's entry admittedly was taken a bit out of context. It actually is from one of the latest items about public safety from "IsOurCitySafe" - an e-mail answering what we posted Sunday about police complaints:
You will continue to see a rise in reports of misconduct at the Columbus Police Department if the pay and benefits problem is not addressed. You get what you pay for and we are not attracting quality Police Officers.
Be sure and check out the website. Mr.Burkard thinks the problems in Columbus are funny. What would you expect from someone who walks around looking at his colon all the time?
Now let's get something clear here! Kansas has lost three basketball games in a row -- which is a problem for me and not too funny for Kansas grads. Call it "laughing not to cry."
There's a theory behind this e-mail -- that at least when it comes to public safety, low pay means poor-quality work. But that's not always true. The Atlanta Hawks have several well-paid players....
An earlier set of messages from "Is Our City Safe" revealed an exchange between a Columbus resident and Mayor Bob Poydasheff, based on last month's civil rights march:
With millions of people in this world, you can't please everyone. Then again, some people look for any opportunity to complain. An individual from Atlanta was in Columbus and was "offended" by a police officer eating a banana. Well, I guess people in Atlanta don't eat bananas. When was the last time this person ate a banana? Maybe she needs to get a life or maybe she needs to stay in Atlanta.
Even worse than the complaint is the fact that the mayor of Columbus responded with a verbal and a written apology to this complaining individual. What was the apology for? The officer did nothing wrong and the mayor said so himself. Is the mayor talking out of both sides of his mouth, again? Don't apologize for something that is not wrong.
If banana eating is offensive, get over it. Mayor Poydasheff, show some backbone. Columbus needs a leader, not a follower.
WILLIAM ELLISON, Columbus
+ + + +
Dear Mr. Ellison
cc: Is our city safe
Thanks for your letter. You are however in error and don't have the facts,
so here they are;
1) I didn't apologize for the behavior of the Columbus Police Dept. nor for
the City of Columbus. I stated that " I apologize that she was offended"
and Nothing More!
2) No one was reprimanded. Quite the contrary my police were complimented.
Further more since she sent another letter through Chief Boren, this past
Friday demanding again the names of the officers, I have again responded to
her that not now, nor in the future will she receive the names of the
officers, there was no intent to embarrass her, and as far as I'm concerned
this matter is closed.
Thanks you for your concerns.
The title of the first e-mail I received in this series was blunt: "Poydasheff is spineless." It's nice to see people are concerned about ALL the body parts of our residents....
I used to live in metro Atlanta - and I can confirm: people there DO eat bananas. In fact, I was served some after a five-kilometer run downtown in 1989. But I don't recall seeing any police officers eat them - and this was before anyone knew what "political correctness" was.
It's interesting that this Atlanta woman apparently keeps pressing the issue with Columbus police, weeks after the march. Maybe she's trying to cause a government-sized version of a "banana split."
Since we're back on the banana debate - do civil rights groups plan to present a lunch menu, for officers assigned to the next march on April 30? Police will need to buy everything several days in advance, because of the days of abstinence. Or is catering from Phenix City allowed?
Now a look at other interesting items from the last couple of days:
+ A Columbus Planning Commission meeting about a proposed Wal-Mart SuperCenter on Manchester Expressway was postponed a week. If there's no guarantee of that rumored second store next to the main library, someone's going to have questions to answer - if it's not too late to track down critics of the school sales tax.
+ Winn-Dixie, one of Columbus's biggest supermarket chains, filed for bankruptcy protection. Apparently that new movie with the dog didn't sell enough tickets....
(I was surprised to read Winn-Dixie has stores not only in the Southeast, but in the Bahamas. It's nice to see the corporate executives figured out where to land those "golden parachutes.")
+ The cable network Nickelodeon provided an $8,200 grant to Southview Primary School in Opelika, to build a new playground. So does "Nick at Nite" add some money, to put a new TV in the teachers' lounge?
+ Your blog had an unexpected day off Wednesday, because of mysterious Internet connection problems. It finally was solved when a computer shop removed a firewall - one a different shop installed when I had similar trouble in December! Uh-oh, I'm smelling a racket here....
COMING SOON: E-mail about psychedelic guitars.... and the sports bar that wants to be a disco....
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