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1 JUN 04: DEM BONES, DEM BONES

Bad Sign #1 when you're visiting a restaurant struck me just inside the front door. The chalkboard didn't list the special dishes of the day - it listed several big ball games. What does this say about the chef?

I'd been planning for months to visit Smokey Bones near Columbus Park Crossing - so I went over the weekend to enjoy some barbecue. What I found was something quite unlike local favorites Country's or Mike and Ed's. You're more likely to find "bones" on a big-screen TV, showing a gambling channel.

"Smoking or non-smoking?" was the familiar first question I was asked. But this question left me puzzled about something. At a barbecue restaurant, does the non-smoking section mean non-smoked meats?

Bad Sign #2: "Our special tonight is..." the waitperson named an unusual Mexican beer I'd never heard of before. "We also have Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light...." and she rattled off a series of other beers. I was almost left to think I'd walked into a northside version of Cannon Brew Pub.

"Do you have any non-alcoholic drinks?" I finally asked the waitperson. She never mentioned any - and since I'm a single guy, I'd have to stumble upon a beggar to be my designated driver.

Smokey Bones DID have a non-alcoholic mixed drink - but the waitperson didn't mention soft drinks until I specifically asked for one. Country's sometimes shows children in its TV commercials. This place probably only shows women wearing halter tops.

The waitperson pointed out something unique about Smokey Bones - a box at the side of each booth, where I could tune in the audio from one of five big-screen TV's above the bar. On this night, all of them were sports-related. If you want romance with your sweetheart here, it's B.Y.O.B. - Bring Your Own Boombox.

(Long-time Columbus residents may recall this is not a new concept at all. The sports bar attached to the old Chickasaw club actually had TV's in some booths - providing an island for C-SPAN junkies in a game-filled world.)

The Smokey Bones waitperson left me a "menu card," which mostly listed drinks and desserts. The real food menu was on a paper placemat - which seemed to me just one step above a Burger King.

I asked for the Smokey Bones sliced turkey platter. Bad Sign #3: it came with an open-face bun -- so really I received a big sandwich. Maybe this is their concession to Atkins dieters....

It became obvious at this point that Smokey Bones is NOT really a barbecue restaurant. It's more a sports bar that happens to serve barbecue -- though so many restaurants are filled with TV screens nowadays that it's getting hard to tell the difference.

Please don't misunderstand me - Smokey Bones is a nice place to visit if you have the proper priorities. It's great if you're going for beer or baseball. But the barbecue sometimes seem like an afterthought - something they have to keep serving liquor on Sunday afternoons.

So what else was noteworthy from the Memorial Day/Pentecost weekend?

+ I returned home from church Sunday evening to find the living room temperature at a record high: 93.4 degrees F. Of course, I turned on the air conditioning right away - but now I wish I'd brought out some bread, to see if it would have toasted on the spot.

+ McClung Memorial Stadium hosted its second annual Memorial Day Blues Festival. It must have been effective - because rain came Monday to spread the blues to lots of other people.

+ Candidates did last-minute campaigning for today's Alabama primary. How many young voters are going to be upset when they go to the polls, and find out the rules are different from "American Idol" - with only one vote per person?

+ Instant Message to the Boom Boom Room on Cusseta Road: Isn't it finally time to change this club's name? After that Sunday morning killing in the parking lot, "Peace Palace" might set a better tone.

(It also doesn't help that you have a "no weapons" sign outside your club - yet show two lit fuse-bombs on the marquee.)

BIG PREDICTION: Wow, is the pressure on me after picking the right woman last year. But when it comes to tonight's Miss Universe pageant, I'm leaning toward the woman from Peru. With a last name of "Holler," she must be from the south part of Peru.

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