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5 JAN 04: THE BURKARD AWARDS
Before we hand out some honors, we must offer some condolences. Our sympathies first to the family of jeweler V.V. Vick, who died over the weekend. Remember, he had a gold ring long before Michael Vick did.
Believe it or not, V.V. Vick always reminded me of the Netherlands. The tourist information offices across that country are known as the V.V.V. - so whenever I saw a jewelry billboard in December, I changed a line I learned to ask on a Berlitz tape: "Vaar is de V.V. Vick?"
It was also sad to learn Sunday of the death of Columbus native and gospel singing legend Jake Hess. He sang for decades in quartets. And unlike some singers, I doubt he drank any quarts afterward.
(Hey, maybe my singing career can benefit from this! I'll hang around the Piccadilly Cafeteria at Peachtree Mall the way Jake Hess did - and some trio will walk by and see me.)
Now to our topic: for only the third time, I'm presenting BURKARD AWARDS for the outstanding people and things in the Columbus area! I did this when I was a high school senior, then a college senior - so if I move out of town, don't be surprised.
I don't give myself any "Burkies" - they all go to others. So here are the 2003 honorees:
+ Best person for keeping a secret: Sheriff Ralph Johnson.
+ Worst-timed announcement of the year: The Columbus Chamber of Commerce, for revealing Heckler and Koch would build a gun factory only hours after Bianca Walton was murdered.
+ Person most likely to blab on television: Miriam Tidwell. Lonnie Jackson finally may have met his match.
+ Biggest mystery on Columbus television: how "Rise N' Shine" remains on NBC-38 after all these years.
+ Best hair on Columbus television: Amy Giuliano, edging out Jo Giles and Kirsten Olesen by a.... well, uhhhhh.... by a nose.
+ Worst combover in Columbus: Baptist Pastor Tony Dickerson.
+ Best new sound on radio: WHAL-AM 1460. It's the closest thing to contemporary Christian music in town - well, unless you're in Harris County where you still can hear J-93.3.
+ Radio station most in need of closed captioning: "Ritmo Latino Radio."
+ Best local morning radio newscast in Columbus: WSB-AM, Atlanta.
+ Biggest mystery in Columbus radio: why WDAK has no local talk shows.
+ Columbus radio station most likely to change formats: WSTH-FM "Rooster 106." Year in and year out, it gets socked in the "Kissin'."
+ Most strangely ironic song title on Columbus gospel radio stations: "I'm Comin' Out With My Hands Up." [True!]
+ Biggest hats: Bishop Barbra Sheppard of Words of Wisdom Christian Center. If you've missed her telecast on TV-16, look up her church in the Yellow Pages and check her picture for an example.
+ Worst neighborhood in Columbus for having too many restaurants: Broadway. (Who would have guessed five years ago we'd be saying that?)
+ Most surprising neighborhood for good restaurants: downtown Opelika. They even have one now with "Bistro" in the name.
+ Most obviously missing restaurant in Columbus: T.G.I. Friday's. (I don't expect a Boston Market, because too many Southerners with long memories and Confederate flags would boycott it.)
+ Most obviously missing department store in Columbus: Kohl's. I totally missed out on that "Million-Dollar Christmas."
+ Supermarket most badly needed in Columbus: Kroger. Well then again, Ingles. Well then again, Save-A-Lot....
+ "There's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate" award: Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville.
+ City official most likely to be ignored: Columbus Councilor Julius Hunter. If it wasn't for his votes, we usually would forget he's there.
+ City official who's easiest to imitate: Columbus Councilor Mimi Woodson. Think a notch or two higher than Michael Jackson's voice.
+ Official who most wants to be king: Russell County Probate Judge Al Howard.
+ Official who pulled the best disappearing act: Rep. Danae Roberts.
+ Official most behind the curve: Muscogee County School Board member Owen Ditchfield. His group still is called "South Columbus Concerned Citizens" - not "Columbus South."
+ Civil rights activist most on the rise: Pastor Wayne Baker - but someone needs to proofread his pamphlets.
+ Civil rights activist most in decline: William Howell of Rainbow/PUSH. When you only respond to phone messages when you want to, that's not exactly good customer service.
+ Easiest-to-predict 2004 protest: civil rights groups outside the Civic Center in May, during the Georgia Republican Party convention.
+ Street most in need of widening: Summerville Road in Phenix City. Drive this winding road after dark at your own risk.
+ Widest street which doesn't need to be: J.R. Allen Parkway - especially east of Bradley Park Drive. Do THAT many high school football fans go to Kinnett Stadium?
+ Person who best silenced potential critics: Rod Bramblett. I've barely heard a word of complaint, since he replaced Jim Fyffe on Auburn broadcasts. (Now as for Damian Fishback....)
+ Most bizarre quote of the year: Awarded just under the wire to Mary Lockhart of Columbus, whose Marlboro Avenue house caught fire Wednesday night on New Year's Eve. She told a TV reporter: "I had my black-eyed peas and hog jowls sitting on the stove, and I never got to cook them." Maybe if she'd followed that good luck superstition a day earlier....
+ Area resident most likely to become CIA Director: Sheriff Ralph Johnson.
COMING TUESDAY: We're going to Rainbow/PUSH with some tough questions....
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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.