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21 JAN 04: OUT OF THE CLOSET

"I hope I find the right door. I don't want to get shot." So said one of my neighbors Tuesday morning - and no, she was NOT standing outside the Muscogee County Sheriff's office....

I'd brought my older, fixed-income neighbor to a food pantry, which provided her with free groceries for a week. It's located in an unlikely part of town - St. Thomas Episcopal Church on Hilton Avenue, in a neighborhood with big lawns and expensive-looking homes. The only "shots" people fire around here are at the Country Club of Columbus.

You may not realize St. Thomas Episcopal Church has a "food closet" for low-income people like my neighbor. Apparently you need to have SOME sort of income - because I don't think METRA buses run down Hilton Avenue.

The door to the food closet is located in a back corner of St. Thomas Episcopal Church. I suppose this provides a measure of privacy - so customers can't hear well-off neighbors complain about how the area is going to pot.

You'll be pleased to learn after trying three doors, my neighbor was NOT shot at the church. In fact, she came out with a grocery cart full of items - but I'm not sure who picked some of the items at the basket. It's hard to imagine a woman in her seventies eating "Mud and Bugs" breakfast cereal. [True!]

My neighbor was thankful for the help St. Thomas Episcopal Church provided. "When you're poor, you've got to do what you've got to do," she told me. "I don't want to rob or steal from anybody." That's good to know - but I'm still keeping score of how much money she owes me for rides around town.

There are many other places which provide food to needy people in Columbus. A new "soup kitchen" recently opened on Hamilton Road. Come to think of it, I should have stopped there Tuesday - because Gordon Elliot from the Campbell's commercials might have dropped by.

BLOG-BLAH-BLAH: We'd like to start an online "Free Food Finder" for the Columbus area. If you know of a place offering free eats, either for a one-night special or year-round, please write us.

BLOG UPDATE: Just when you thought Al Fleming was becoming a softie, his NBC-38 commentary Tuesday went after Edward DuBose. Fleming declared the NAACP Director "vengeful" toward law enforcement. Now wait a minute! I haven't heard DuBose call for a buyback of Sheriff's Department weapons.

The NAACP is holding a public hearing at the Liberty Theater tonight, for anyone who wants to report police brutality in Columbus. Al Fleming says no one should attend -- and anyone who does should "hang their head in shame." So if an officer pulls you over and shoots you, remember: you probably deserved it.

Al Fleming listed several Columbus law officers who died in the line of duty in recent years, and suggested Edward DuBose is insulting their memories. So, Mr. Fleming - where do you suggest we build the David Glisson Recreation Center?

Al Fleming went on to suggest the next time a criminal is at your door, "don't call the police - call Ed DuBose." We're glad he didn't tell us to call William Howell of the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition. He might not show up for days.

So what else happened Tuesday? Let's see....

+ Auburn University's Trustees approved Ed Richardson as Interim President. The outgoing Alabama School Superintendent says he does NOT want the Auburn position full-time. In fact, it seems the only person at Auburn who wants to stay there for years in Tommy Tuberville.

(Some professors opposed the installation of Ed Richardson - arguing Auburn's next President should be selected in a "deliberate manner." Hopefully these professors won't mind if students turn in term papers three months late.)

+ WCGT TV-16 pushed back Miriam Tidwell's talk show 30 minutes, for the premiere of "See Ya Here" - a live talk show about cars starring Randy Peters of Rivertown Ford. With his voice, at least they could have kept the jazz pianist in the background.

(TV-16 offered a strange alternative to the President's State of the Union speech - an old Xmas edition of "Rozelle." And here I thought the holiday season ended Monday with King Day.)

+ The Georgia Lottery's "Mega Millions" game unveiled a hilarious new commercial, in which a winning husband has a "spokesman" argue with his wife about ordinary household matters. The spokesman is attorney Johnnie Cochran! Hopefully if you win a jackpot, you will NOT follow this example. Those legal fees will leave you broke all over again.

+ Phenix City officials announced garbage rates soon will go down, as a contract is renegotiated. Columbus needs to learn how to do this - so how about making prison inmates pay the city, to pick up trash?

+ Former City Councilman Jeff Hardin announced he'll run for Phenix City Mayor. Hardin says one of his goals is to ensure Phenix City is NOT the "stepsister of Columbus." So Wal-Mart had better stop with just one SuperCenter in Columbus, or it's in big trouble.

+ Instant Message to United Baptist Church of Phenix City: About your roadside sign which says, "Jesus, Name Above All Names" - if you really believe that, shouldn't the name "Jesus" be above the name of your church?

AHEAD THIS WEEK: Why I may kiss mall-walking goodbye....

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.