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24 JAN 04: IT'S ONLY WORDS

Before our topic, a tribute: I'm a bit saddened as I write this Friday afternoon, because I've just learned online of the death of Bob Keeshan - best-known as television's "Captain Kangaroo." If you grew up watching him every morning as I did, it's sobering news. And in his case, when it rains ping pong balls, it pours.

(I suspect this death will expose a generation gap. Baby Boomers hear "Captain," and think Kangaroo. Younger people hear "Captain," and only think Crunch.)

But I digress: do certain words or phrases get on your nerves? I heard a new one on National Public Radio Friday afternoon, as a newspaper reporter said money from Halliburton "went missing." WENT missing? Did bundles of bills wander into the Iraqi desert by themselves?

"Went missing" has become a catch-phrase for many things. It's often used to describe kidnapped children. Some use it to describe embezzled money. Before you know it, children will ask for help in finding their "went missing dog."

My pastor at church has a different sort of twist on this. He'll sometimes make a point by telling us, "You fill in the missing blank." How can I fill in a blank, if it's missing? Shouldn't I go find it first?

But I must give my pastor credit -- he's almost stopped using a "crutch word" he often used in Atlanta. He kept referring to interpersonal relations by saying you "interface" with someone. Maybe I made him feel guilty - because at a farewell event when he moved to Macon, I turned the Beatles classic "Yesterday" into, "Thanks for teaching me to interface."

Now for some questions to consider, on one of the few weekends of the year with no pro football on television:

+ Which Stewart County farmer is telling people mad cow disease could wipe out his cattle business in the range of $90,000, unless market prices keep increasing? I can't believe that many people are switching to Krystal "Spicy Chix" sandwiches.

+ Am I the only one who's noticed the "Barney" tour is coming to Columbus in the very same week as the "Cats" tour -- on almost the exact same nights? Is there some secret rivalry, which hasn't come to the surface?

+ Instant Message to the Piggly Wiggly store in downtown Phenix City: What do you mean you're watching me on a "recorded video camera?" Can I see the record of the camera -- like the bill of sale?

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