BURKARD'S BLOG

18 MAY 03: ....BUT THERE'S A TWIST

I got mentioned during a church service this weekend, without my even trying. It was all because of one line in last Monday's
6:00 a.m. newscast which I produced. No, I did NOT mention that woman who turned my good deed into a speed-date.... (12 May)

Last Monday's morning news included an ABC report on a tornado-damaged church in Jackson, Tennessee. In the "tag" after the report, I wrote: "We heard one local pastor say over the weekend the tornadoes were a Satanic response to a big conference of elders in Cincinnati." Which local pastor said it? MINE. You never knew all the weather of North America revolved around a denomination of about 10,000 people, did you?

Someone in the congregation heard that tag-line, told the Pastor about it - so the Pastor came to me just before the service to
ask about it. Yes, I admitted, I included that line. "You're preaching the gospel!" he said encouragingly with a smile. Oh really?!?! I'm still trying to find the word "tornado" in the New Testament.

What my Pastor and that woman in the congregation apparently do NOT know is that I submitted that comment about the
tornadoes and Cincinnati to a religion web site - one that's openly skeptical of such hype from ministers. After all, what caused this weekend's new storm damage in Alabama? That conference of elders ended more than a week ago.

The Pastor concluded I wrote that tag-line to promote the denomination - when I really added it to contrast two churches. The tornado-damaged group in Tennessee used a disaster to pitch in and come together. My Pastor uses a disaster to suggest our group indirectly is to blame for it.

It's interesting to note the denomination I attend has been emphasizing modesty the last few weeks. The leaders mean dress for church services. Maybe they should apply it to their words as well?!

I've been doing my part to promote modesty, by intentionally saying little at the church service. A few people have sought me out at the audio table to say hello, but not many. Two men who came by this weekend got into a discussion opposing interracial marriage, supporting racial separation, and - no, only ONE of the men was from Taylor County. [True!]

But I digress. This whole incident about the twisters proves several things. For one, people in my congregation aren't very
web-savvy. If they did a Google hunt for my name, they might be surprised by what else I've posted challenging what the Pastor says -- and may might start a move to kick me out.

For another thing, the Pastor who thought I was "preaching the gospel" and misunderstood my intent isn't a very good mind-reader. But then again, he preaches against psychics....

BLOG UPDATES - on this and that:

+ I posted a link to this blog at a few message boards, to share the story of the speed-date. To those who followed the link and came here, welcome. So far one man's posted this interesting response: "All I can say to you, Richard, is HO HO HO!"

(Hey, wait a minute - this happened on Mother's Day, not Christmas.)

+ The Columbus Wardogs were so motivated by the death of former broadcaster Jim Fyffe (15 May) that not only did they LOSE to Florida, they didn't score a point for the first 59 minutes of the game. Maybe they were trying to prove his 2001 comment was true?!?!

+ Our Blog has learned there's ANOTHER broadcaster in the Auburn region interested in Jim Fyffe's job - someone who's doing NEWS these days, not sports. I'd drop this person's name, but I fear he might get dropped from his current job.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

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15 MAY 05: THE FYFFE CORPS

It was stunning and sad to learn today of the death of Auburn University sportscaster Jim Fyffe. College football is a four-down game, but he truly added a "Fyffe dimension."

Reporters were quick to note Fyffe's famous phrase during A.U. games - when he'd shout, "TOUCHDOWN!!!! AUBURN!!!!!" I'll never know why he refused to be that enthusiastic when the Columbus Wardogs scored.

(I listen to college football games on headphones when I go running on Saturday nights in the fall. It was so fun to shout, "Touchdown Auburn!" as Jim Fyffe did it, to see how many people's heads would turn.)

Overlooked in some of the obituaries is the fact that Jim Fyffe called Columbus Wardogs games the last two seasons. Some may remember he dared to tell a Montgomery newspaper in 2001 the 0-16 'Dogs were the "worst football team he's ever seen." Amazingly, Fyffe came back the next year - leading me to think the team managers agreed with him.

There's another Jim Fyffe phrase I'll remember - about football players being all over each other "like a duck on a junebug." Perhaps the most lasting tribute Fyffe could receive is for the AFLAC duck to actually eat one in a commercial.

Jim Fyffe was NOT calling Wardogs games on radio this season. The role was passed to a friend of mine, Justin Cazana. I wrote a little tune about him years ago, to the famous Billy Graham altar-call hymn, "Just As I Am:"

Justin Cazana has the sports.

He'll bring you all the late reports,

About baseball, football, guys in shorts.

The sportscast it will come - will come.

(So I'll dare to ask the question: is Cazana in line to become the new voice of the Tigers? Or should we call Jesse Jackson, to see if he has someone in mind for that job as well?)

BURKARD'S BLOG

13 MAY 03: RUN, DON'T WALK

The Chattahoochee River was back to normal levels, so I went running on the Riverwalk yesterday afternoon - only a few minutes after WTVM's Jo Giles announced the walk was closed for at least two weeks. I guess that makes me a rebellious journalist. And these days, it probably disqualifies me from working at The New York Times.

(I've lived in Georgia more than 18 years now - so I confess, the "Southern rebel" nature is starting to overtake me. I actually paid a little attention yesterday to a radio ad for pickup trucks.)

Barricades may be up above the Riverwalk at 10^th Street, but nothing was set up to stop pedestrians from entering at Golden Park. A red ribbon across the top flight of stairs was gone -- perhaps removed by the South Georgia Waves, because the old
RedStixx are coming back to town.

The only thing stopping me at the bottom of the Golden Park stairs was a long two-by-four, propped up on one side. I found several of these on my short jog - so if you want to avoid the lines at Home Depot, hurry.

Once you're ON the Riverwalk, the first thing you notice is the smell. The Chattahoochee has a natural stench to it, only it was turned up about threefold in spots. If it wasn't for a nice north wind, the wave of people wearing breathing masks could be expanding here.

My short jog from Golden Park to the Trade Center construction site showed me all kinds of unusual sights:

+ A flipped-over tree, with standing water in the hole. So THAT'S why we're supposed to stay away - the risk of West Nile Virus.

+ Dirt and mud covering the walkway in sections -- reminding me of some rural roads in Russell County.

+ A little sealed bag of "Wholesome Bear" graham crackers. Did the Red Cross drop something, helping people along the river in West Point?

+ Large white rocks along the embankment from Golden Park to the Riverwalk. People picking up stones from the railroad tracks didn't throw them as far as they thought.

Meanwhile, today I listened to WTVM's 5:00 p.m. news on the radio - and heard Wayne Bennett say he MIGHT sue Dee Armstrong! Was he joking when he said this? Shouldn't Cheryl Morgan be the one suing, to get equal time in her chair?

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

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12 MAY 03: SPEED-DATING

All I wanted to do was drive to Publix for milk, soda and stamps. But as I went to the car Sunday afternoon, a woman walked by saying or asking for something. She seemed to have food in her mouth, so it took about five times to understand her. Lesson 1: if a beggar can't speak clearly, his or her mind may be just as fuzzy.

Finally I determined the woman wanted a ride to 744 Broadway. Yet strangely, she walked SOUTH on First Avenue to talk with me about it - when 744 Broadway is NORTH of my apartment. Then again, this IS Columbus - named for a man who went west to reach the "Far East."

It's only a five-block drive from my apartment to 744 Broadway, so I agreed to let her get in. That's when the fast-talking started.

"I see you drink beer."

"I have...."

"Do you...." She interrupted to change the topic before I could explain the empty flattened can of Budweiser on the floor of the passenger seat was there because I picked it up Saturday night to keep from running over it with my tires. That's what women want, you know - a deep, detailed conversation.

"Will you let me finish, please?" I said to the woman - then said she had ADHD. She didn't know what that was, but she was
acting like a co-worker who admits he has adult Attention Deficit Disorder. If that man ever met this woman, the fragmented sentences would be an English teacher's nightmare.

The woman in the car probably didn't have ADHD after all. As she explained, "I've had a couple of beers, it's Mother's Day...." Oh really?!?! What until Miller High Life hears about this - because those catfighting commercials might need some children added to them.

As we started the five-block drive to 744 Broadway, the woman asked more questions:

"Are you police?"

"No."

"Do you date?"

"Not in a long time." Questions like this make me wish I had a little more 20 years ago, though.

The woman then stated her name, which I admit I didn't catch. "I'm 37 years old, and I give good...." Weellllll, let's just say she didn't offer me her HEART. (Ahem)

I sat quietly and kept driving during this unusual introduction - so then the woman reached for my right leg, and my shorts. "What are you DOING?" I exclaimed. What episode of "Sex and the City" did she get this first-date idea from?

At this point we were on Broadway - and I hurried as quickly as I could. If ever there was a time the brick streets of the historic district needed paving over, it was now....

"Don't you want a date?" she asked, a bit surprised.

"No, I'm doing what you said you wanted. A ride to 744 Broadway." Lesson 2, which I should have realized long ago: a beggar seldom wants the first thing he or she requests. She wanted a ride - but apparently NOT in a car. (Ahem)

At this point we were in the 600 block of Broadway, and the woman started demanding I drop her off. I refused, noting 744 Broadway was very close. "That's not what I want," she argued. Why is it if men pull this stunt, they're guilty of a lack of commitment

At last I slowed down the car at 744 Broadway, and she cursed me as she got out of the car. The whole incident lasted about two minutes -- and it showed why I'd probably fail at those "speed-dating" club nights.

(Come to think of it, this encounter was appropriate for Mother's Day. So many times I did what my late Mom asked me to do - only to be criticized for only doing it because she told me to do it.)

I finally drove on to Publix at Cross-Country Plaza - and found one pick-up truck driving BACKWARDS in a parking lot lane, and another running a stop sign in front of the entryway. That's why I'm glad I went ahead and bought the milk and stamps -- to prove I didn't have a wild nightmare.

On a different topic: today was Clear Channel's turn to drop the hammer on AM radio stations. The "Southern gospel" music of WPNX suddenly moved to WMLF, and it's sharing time during the day with ESPN Radio. So the "Sports Monster" isn't dead - it's apparently just found religion.

WPNX apparently will no longer exist - as a woman at Clear Channel tells me it's "Hallelujah 1460," WHAL-AM. If the preaching isn't Bible-based, before long Christians will call it "shallow Hal."

(WPNX was familiar set of call letters in Columbus-Phenix City for decades. But apparently radio people no longer are "hooked on Phenix.")

The new WHAL is playing what a Clear Channel calls "urban gospel music." For those of you in Taylor County, that's called BLACK.

The obvious question here is whether Columbus really needs another, uh, "urban gospel" station. WOKS has been on the air for decades. WEAM just acquired a new slot at 100.7 FM. And those of us who like contemporary Christian music keep having to take road trips to Atlanta to hear it.

The new format of WMLF has sports-talk on 15 hours a day, Southern gospel music seven hours a day - and still "Duke and the Doctor" from 9:00 a.m.-11:00 a.m. When you still can hear this couple on the radio but you can't hear Clark Howard, is this REALLY a good sign?

The big loser in this exchange seems be the Southern gospel music fans. WPNX has had higher ratings than WMLF for years - and now its music is not only moved down the dial, it's on only seven hours a day. But then again, maybe the real goal is to convert Tony Kornheiser away from Judaism.

Speaking of a life of charity, here's a leftover from the weekend: for the third time in four years, I left cans of food by my mailbox Saturday for the Letter Carriers' hunger drive - only the postal person didn't pick them up! Does he think our apartment complex is so poor that we NEED the cans, instead?

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

BURKARD'S BLOG

11 MAY 03: THE DISASTER ZONE

So many strange things have happened in Columbus in the last two weeks. A small earthquake struck at 5:00 a.m. The
Chattahoochee River has been above flood stage for days. My computer crashed. We MUST be cursed....

I was delayed in blogging for several days because my computer needed a new "motherboard." Of all the strange ways to remind me about Mother's Day....

I started developing motherboard problems in March - and the team at Computer Discounters told me I might need a new monitor. The computer would keep running even when nothing else was plugged in, and the monitor showed nothing. To that extent, it was like some Georgia drivers on the highway.

I bought a new monitor last Sunday at the Peachtree Mall Radio Shack to solve the problem. Well, it was a demo model on the floor for 50 dollars - without even a box. It's a good thing I parked near the Rich's entrance, so security guards didn't stop me.

I brought the monitor home - and it only had full color on the bottom half of the screen. Looking back, I now realize that model probably was reserved for someone from Taylor County High School.

To make matters worse, the same "blackout" problem with the monitor returned Monday night - but if I took the computer to work and plugged it into a monitor there, the trouble would stop. The mainframe would slowly whir to a stop - sort of like what would happen if you hook up jumper cables to a 1981 Pinto.

Only when I took the computer back to Computer Discounters did they confirm I needed a new motherboard. And to think only a few years ago, a "mother board" referred to a group of Church School teachers.

The new motherboard so far has worked fine - and even more amazingly, my new monitor has full color now. So I'm stuck with an old 15-inch monitor that probably works well, but I don't need. Well, it IS on the floor next to my free weights, so I COULD have more variety in my exercise program....

Meanwhile, the Riverwalk in downtown Columbus remained covered with water last night - even though the Chattahoochee finally dropped below flood stage. As I went for an evening jog, for some reason the song "Wade in the Water" kept bouncing in my head.

Did you see WRBL's Saturday night newscast - where the reporter and meteorologist REPLAYED their jumps off a Riverwalk ledge away from floodwater on Thursday? They dared to ask each other and the public whether they "jumped like a girl." I e-mailed them that Southeastern Conference women's basketball players actually jump much BETTER than that.

(By the way, the flooding in East Alabama was SO BAD that our Local Elder at church said he went squirrel-hunting - and shot an eight-pound bass.)

The Chattahoochee River crested at close to 40 feet in Columbus - or two-and-a-half flights of stairs up from the Riverwalk at Golden Park. Another flight-and-a-half and I would have been concerned, because a little voice in the back of my head keeps saying, "Flood insurance...."

So let's see, what else have I missed in recent days....

+ The temperature climbed above 90 degrees F. for the first time this season - weeks ahead of schedule. Having grown up
in the Midwest, I'm resisting turning on the air conditioner until Memorial Day Weekend. But boy, my hands are sticking to the pages when I read books.

+ WTVM apologized during a newscast for airing a story "based on a rumor that was false." I don't know what the rumor was - but for some reason, "Entertainment Tonight" is still on the air.

+ Someone who attends church with me sent a tough letter to the Ledger-Enquirer, complaining about the compromise on the Georgia state flag. I didn't talk with him about it at church this weekend - but I happened to carry a church newspaper with a headline, "Principle or Politics." Simply leaving that open should have sent the message.

+ I went for an evening stroll around Golden Park, and was stopped by a man wearing an L.S.U. T-shirt.

"Is there supposed to be a game here tonight?"

"No, the next game on the board is for Monday."

"I thought they were playing Macon tonight."

"That's arena football, at the Civic Center."

"Arena Football?!?!?"

"....at the Civic Center."

Sure enough, the Macon Knights beat the Columbus Wardogs. And who knows which player that man was in town to scout.

(Apparently he's still among those people who think "arena football" refers to a game in a domed stadium, like the Superdome.)

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

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30 APR 03: THE ANNIVERSARY WALTZ

Tomorrow I mark six years at the TV station where I do freelance work. I started as a full-time news producer. Now - well, for the last eight months I've STILL been a full-time news producer.

There are many things I've come to like about Columbus, six years after moving from metro Atlanta. The traffic jams are far less frequent. My rent never has increased. And I actually can go for a jog from my home, without worrying getting run over by fast cars or stopped by street beggars.

I've now lived long enough in Columbus to have memories of how things USED to be. For instance:

+ In 1997 the block where the RiverCenter stands was a big parking lot for Columbus city employees. Now they've made real progress - with a RiverCenter parking lot that has more than one level.

+ Today Columbus has only one enclosed shopping mall. In 1997 it had - no wait, Columbus Square was already two-thirds empty then.

+ In 1997 Columbus and Auburn had several "Bullitt's" fast-food restaurants. Today you can't even have a pro basketball team with a name like that.

+ In 1997 Columbus had a new indoor soccer team, the Comets. Today it has a new baseball team, the Waves - which might stay about as long, one season.

+ In 1997 WRBL's sports department had three people. Today, as Jack Rodgers left on a trip to Romania, it officially has none for awhile. As we say, progress.

+ In 1997 WTVM showed the family comedy "Step by Step" weeknights at 7:30 p.m. Today it's gone - and missed by absolutely no one.

+ In 1997 local advertisers boycotted WTVM for showing "Ellen." Nowadays no one seems to notice WLTZ showing "Will and Grace."

+ In 1997 WDAK radio had "Imus in the Morning" while WRCG had Scott Miller. Today they're at the exact opposite stations. I won't be surprised if six years from now, they're simulcasting on both of them.

More sixth anniversary reflections are coming soon....

BURKARD'S BLOG

28 APR 03: WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?

I went for an evening walk around South Commons last night - and as I returned to the apartment complex, children were playing in the grassy courtyard. Suddenly I heard a mother's voice say, "Get your a** over here." Do they have female drill instructors at Fort Benning's basic training now?

I normally don't do things like this, but I decided the mother was talking to me - so I walked over to where she sat on a porch and said, "OK, I'm here." After all, children aren't addressed in rough language like hers. Well, then again, I don't watch "The Sopranos."

Once I walked over to the woman's porch, she and a couple of other people just stared at me as if I was a weirdo. Perhaps it was because I responded to her call, and none of the children did. [True!]

Finally a man in a neighboring apartment clarified - that woman using the "A" word was not calling me. "Oh, OK," I said and walked into my own apartment. I seriously doubt the woman got the message I was trying to send, about her use of
language around children. Then again, I'm not sure a tough-talking TV judge could get through to her, either.

This week I mark six years in this apartment complex - and I can't help noticing the folks on the opposite side of the courtyard from me never invite me over to their outdoor cookouts. Could it be they're simply shy? They've already invited other friends over? Or could it be that I'm the only non-African-American person in the complex, and they suspect I'm a police informant?

To be fair, I've never invited other people in the complex to my apartment. For one thing, I don't have a grill for outdoor cooking. For another thing, I've inherited so much furniture over the years that the fire code limit on people might be three.

Spring cleaning helps me clear away the piles of things around my apartment. Yesterday I finally put together a six-foot-tall torchiere pole lamp from Penney's, that I bought seven years ago! This lamp is SO OLD it's a forest green color -- and you may remember when that was a popular color for cars.

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

27 APR 03: DON'T YOU LOVE SURPRISES?

A big surprise showed up at my door around 4:30 Friday afternoon - a plumber, to fix my bathroom leaks! Considering it's been about a month since I reminded the landlord of these things, it seemed like a miracle from heaven.

The plumber wrestled with the leaky bathtub, as a crew did about a year-and-a-half ago. He even went around to the other side of the problem, and checked under the kitchen sink. Thankfully, the cockroaches usually hiding there were on their best behavior....

The plumber used some technical language, to say he'd have to come back the next day. He left a few screws and tiny pieces on a shelf in my medicine cabinet for safekeeping. But as I write, he still hasn't replaced the dozen or so items he removed from under the kitchen sink. C'mon - I really did do spring cleaning there.

I spent Friday night with the bathtub still dripping - and only one handle for BOTH sides of the bathroom sink, as the other had broken off. I remembered Atlanta water restrictions, and invoked the "alternate spigot rule."

The plumber returned as promised around 9:00 a.m. Saturday, joined by another man. I'd just awakened then they arrived - so I didn't think to ask if the other guy was called a "plumber's helper."

A second round of work ended with TWO sink handles, but still a drippy bathtub. Apparently the seals have worn out, and the plumber must return Monday to "tear out some tiles." Of all the times to go back to the full-time overnight shift....

The surprises continued at the weekend service in the church I attend. It started when our Pastor offered a "P.S." at the end of his sermon - which in our congregation stands for "Personal Speculation."

The Pastor said he'd been thinking about Jonah - and was starting to conclude he was DEAD when he spent three days and three nights inside the great fish. This didn't sound right to me at all. And sure enough, Jonah 2:1 says he prayed from INSIDE the fish! Unless, maybe, Jonah was a Mormon....

My dilemma at once became: how do you correct a Pastor who's wrong about the Bible? After all, this man's been preaching close to 40 years -- and even worse, he often criticizes people who say Old Testament books like Jonah should be ignored.

The answer to this dilemma came to me, without my even trying. The Pastor walked over after the service to the audio table where I'm stationed, to ask a favor. I shook his hand, said hello - but dared to open the Bible to Jonah 2, saying, "I can't agree with what you said." In case you ever face this challenge, I never thumped my Bible once.

"I stand corrected," the Pastor said after reading over a few verses - then actually had me turn up the microphone at the lectern, so he could announce to everyone chatting in the hall what he'd found. He never named me as the source of the information. If he had, some people would have drafted me to run for Pastor - while others would have told me to get lost, for insulting a "man of God."

Surprise #3 came Saturday night, with Riverfest in full swing near my home at South Commons. I walked over to Kimball's restaurant on Third Avenue for dinner about 9:15 p.m., after a twilight run - and was told they're only open until 8:00! They didn't extend hours during Riverfest? Not even to sell discounted funnel cakes??

Another mini-surprise came as I walked to Kimball's - as a man stood and hollered in a parking lot on Second Avenue. Only later did I realize he was shouting, "PARKING PLACE!" Since it was the Villa Nova package store's lot, I almost walked over to him to say he'd had one too many beers.

The surprises even stretched into this Sunday morning. I went out for breakfast - and came home to find a shattered, blood-strewn tortoise shell in the driveway not far from my back door. The gangs in this neighborhood must have a small budget....

Other brief items I've meant to mention from the past few days:

+ Russ Hollenbeck, the man Doug Kellett loved to call "a-k-a Jerry Garcia," was named the permanent host of WRCG's "Talkline." With his T-shirts and ponytail hair, conservatives might flock to WDAK like never before.

+ The Saturday night WRBL 11:00 p.m. newscast had NO sports section. Regular sports anchor Jack Rodgers was busy
leading C-P-R courses at Riverfest, while Thomas Forester seems to have disappeared. Is he finally getting a hair transplant or something?

+ The Sunday radio broadcast from Eastern Heights Baptist Church featured a message by a young man as nervous as you'll ever hear. He kept asking things like, "Anybody here ever of a man named Noah?" Then it was Cain and Abel, then Job. For a man telling us to "step out in faith toward God," he sounded like Peter ready to sink in the water.

+ In a "Yahoo Pyramids" game room, someone commented the cards were bad. To which we replied, "Yeah. I haven't spotted a single Iraqi yet."

(Not long after that, one person in the game room wrote he/she was from southwestern Ontario. I couldn't resist replying, "I didn't bring a breathing mask to the computer, so please be careful.")

BURKARD'S BLOG

24 APR 03: SPINNING MY WHEELS

The "Tour de Georgia" bicycle race came to Columbus this afternoon. I wasn't sure whether to watch this or not - since they
haven't changed that French-sounding name.

It's not just the Tour de Georgia, of course. It's the "DODGE Tour de Georgia." Yes, a bicycle race is sponsored by a car
company. So why can't Dodge make cars which get gas mileage as good as a bike?

(Which reminds me: I filled my gas tank at Summit on Victory Drive today - and the price is down to $1.32 a gallon! Be sure to thank the woman behind the counter for these lower prices. The boss finally may be listening to her.)

Today's stage of the Tour de Georgia stretched from Macon to Columbus. My Pastor lives in the Macon area and makes this
circuit all the time, but I'm not sure he'd be in support of this bike race. After all, these athletes are pedaling all those miles -- simply for money. Sin!!!!

The Columbus part of the road course rolled past the main Post Office on Milgen Road, as well as the co-sponsor "Tidwell Cancer Treatment Center" on Warm Springs Road. We suppose this is because of Tour de France champion and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong. So why was the finish line at the Civic Center - and not a mile-and-a-half down the road, at Carl Gregory Dodge?

The road course passed within one block of my apartment, but I decided to walk to the RiverCenter to be around more spectators and scenery. On Fifth Street was a crew from Strickland Tree Service, with a big tree chopped into large-sized pieces of the trunk. Now THAT would make things interesting - a surprise obstacle course.

(One of the crew members had a long pole in his hand. I'm not sure what it was really for - but he called it a "spoke catcher.")

The turnout was small around the RiverCenter on Broadway - a couple of dozen spectators, I'd guess. We saw quite a show,
starting with a group of police motorcycles rushing by. This doesn't seem fair to the bicyclists - unless they're like the "rabbit" at a greyhound track.

Then came not one, but TWO long groups of patrol cars - from the city of Columbus and the Georgia State Patrol. We were so impressed by the sight that we didn't realize we'd be helpless if someone picked our pocket.

At last the cyclist came spinning by - and on this day, there was no breakaway leader. The entire pack of bikes passed us in about 20 seconds. It was somewhat like a NASCAR race - only with the pace cars making all the noises.

The team cars followed the bikers, with two or three spare bikes hooked on top. Either they're substitute cycles if something
goes wrong - or I should have stood at the finish line for the post-race giveaway.

An Italian cyclist won today's stage. When you think about it, the Italians ought to win these races all the time - since they're so famous for eating pasta, they're loaded with extra carbs.

One man received the "King of the Mountain" jersey at the finish line - a white shirt with polka dots shaped like peaches. This tour should be thankful Mister Blackwell doesn't live anywhere in Georgia.

One benefit of the Tour de Georgia's stop in Columbus is that Riverfest opened at South Commons Thursday night, one night earlier than usual. This annual street fair promises a "world-class midway." Isn't that phrase an oxymoron -- sort of like a supermarket selling "world-class lard?"

The Tour de Georgia moves on tomorrow, with a stage heading north to Rome. In fact, it will start at Callaway Gardens, not Columbus. Can't these bikers go uphill to Harris County? Wimps....

The Tour de Georgia stop brought back all sorts of memories. One of my first interviews at a Kansas City radio station was with a group of four bikers on a cross-country trip, promoting Indian guru Sri Chinmoy. I kept waiting for the guys to do something weird, like speak in a strange language or pedal with their legs crossed.

One of those cyclists even gave me a small leaflet, with "Four Cycling Songs of Sri Chinmoy." I only recall one of those songs - which started, "Cycling, cycling, cycling," and ended with the singer holding "speed-HIGH!!!!!" for about 16 beats. The only good reason I can imagine for singing this would be to drown out honking cars and trucks behind you on the road.

When I was a boy, I dreamed an event like the Tour de Georgia would develop someday. I had a pretend summer-long circuit set up in my mind -- the "Cycletron" tour across Kansas. I didn't drink diet colas back then, so never thought about having it sponsored by "cyclamates."

(Come to think of it -- did I ever tell anyone about this idea? Is it too late to sue, for stealing an intellectual trademark?)

BLOG UPDATE: The Wal-Mart ALLEGEDLY "Super" Center is in my personal doghouse at the moment. I took a single-use camera there Tuesday, for one-hour film developing. The manager put it in a bag - and now it's disappeared! They should reserve the magic tricks for greeters only.

Apparently my envelope of pictures was taken from a tray on the counter at the one-hour photo stand. I'm not sure who would do this - because I certainly haven't noticed any North Korean secret agents in Columbus and Phenix City, since I declared war on that country. (11 Jan)

(If someone is holding this envelope for ransom - no, I am not dating the good-looking women's basketball coach on a couple of the shots.) (15 Jan)

I called the photo stand this morning to see if someone turned the pictures in - and no one had. But the manager said, "You made me move my pictures off the front counter." Now hold on a minute - I did this? I simply asked for my photos, I didn't steal them.

BURKARD'S BLOG

22 APR 03: WAR AND A LITTLE PEACE

Today is Day 34 of the War! With!! IRAQ!!! The TV station where I work still is using "War" graphics and language.
Our bosses may be the only journalists left on Earth who believe the Iraqi Information Minister's version.

My TV station also has a "station identification" message at the top of the hour that says, "Bless Our Troops." I see this
and wonder - WHO should bless our troops? Any "Being" in particular?

Yesterday afternoon the showers passed, making it a nice day to drive around Columbus. For starters, I made my first visit
to the religious college in town - "Beacon College and Graduate School." Excuse me for asking a silly question, but
shouldn't that make it Beacon University?

Then it was a short "hop" to Target for half-price Easter chocolate. This year, M&M's had something I'd never noticed
before - "speckled egg" chocolate candies. Now THAT'S a creative way to re-label the defects at the factory....

It's not far from Target to Lake Oliver, where I jogged on that part of the Riverwalk for the first time in three months.
But this course is SO unfair. If it's going to be downhill heading south, there has to be a downhill version going back north.

As I headed north on the Riverwalk, I came upon a woman walking her large black dog - well really, letting the dog roam
freely all over the place. It's a good thing I was tired and mostly walking at that point. Asphalt stains are really hard to get
off T-shirts.

The dog decided to probe around me, so I stopped my walking to avoid anything confrontational. "He won't hurt," the
woman assured me - only hours before the 11:00 p.m. news reported on a dog attacking a seven-year-old in Russell County.

The dog was running around on its own, even though the woman held a leash in her hand. "No leash?" I asked. "It has a
leash," she replied. "Yes, but it's not ON a leash," I noted - trying to jokingly smile as best I could as I said that, but
wondering if this woman uses this same sort of logic when it comes to paying her bills.

A sign at the Riverwalk entrance clearly says: "LEASHES REQUIRED IN PUBLIC PARKS." Well, the woman with her
big black dog HAD one - only she didn't use it. It's a bit like what some college students do with their brains....

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

20 APR 03: LA BOMB-A

Many people are marking Easter Sunday today - but I have a question for them. Why doesn't some TV channel mark the day by showing the forgotten Dustin Hoffman movie "Ishtar?" That IS where the word Easter came from....

Speaking of (ahem) bombs: as I took a late-afternoon walk this weekend along Front Avenue, I saw a car filled with prom-goers. Only instead of a limousine, they rode in a LONG red finned convertible that looked like it was from 1960. Before "the bomb" meant something good, that car was a bomb.

As some of you may know, the church denomination I attend does NOT keep Easter. My Pastor suggested over the weekend people who wear "Easter bonnets" are guilty of pride, when they should show godly humility. I may never buy Blue Bonnet margarine again.

(We're SO STRICT about this in my congregation that we're even against winter storms -- those "Nor'Easters.")

I met some women over the weekend, though, who might have benefited from bonnets. They were in line ahead of me at a
Taco Bell - and one of a grandmotherly age had a FULL moustache! It was so obvious that Wayne Bennett would have asked her to shave it off.

No, I did NOT say anything to these two women with moustaches. I only looked long enough to confirm what I thought I saw - but stopped short of suggesting they get jobs on the Riverfest midway next weekend.

17 APR 03: A TIME OF THANKSGIVING

Thank you, Pizza Hut, for sending a flyer with 18 different coupons to my mailbox Wednesday. But after noticing all 18 coupons have an expiration date of March 31 - thank you at least for keeping the Postal Service afloat. [True!]

Thank you, Shoney's, for your helpful motel discount bulletins just inside the front door of your restaurant. But when your Phenix City, Alabama restaurant has bulletins for Kentucky, a one-day drive and two states away - well, who's trying to work himself through school filling those racks?

Thank you, Bludau's, for a lovely and elegant Wednesday night dinner with church friends. And since you're a French restaurant, special thanks for appealing to local patriots by putting New York strip steak on your menu....

(Given Bludau's prices, the last thing I expected to find on this fine French menu was "freedom fries.")

Thank you, Mrs. M, (full name available on request) for revealing a new phrase to me at that Bludau's dinner. You're truly a Southern native -- to call squash, broccoli, artichokes, and similar things "Yankee vegetables."

Thank you, Al Fleming, for your Wednesday TV commentary taking WRBL and WTVM to task for their failures in local news coverage. But considering your station WLTZ doesn't even have a news department - why don't you criticize them even more?

(By the way, why didn't Al Fleming complain a bit more about WRBL when he did commentaries there? He was upset about the New Year's baby born to an unwed mother, but besides that....)

Thank you, WRBL, for reporting the eagle's cage will not be outside Auburn University's football stadium next fall. But how could you call it "Beard-Eaves Stadium" when the video clearly had a "Jordan-Hare Stadium" sign on it - and how did the news anchors who have lived in this area for years never even notice it?

Thank you, Atlanta Falcons Youth Foundation, for your $75,000 grant to Girls Inc. of Phenix City-Russell County to build a new athletic complex. But considering the project will have softball fields, a soccer field and a walking trail, but NO field for U.S.-style football [True/WTVM] - what sort of message are you really sending?

(And when your giant-sized check at a news conference spells Russell County with only one L - shouldn't you be donating money to education programs instead?)

Thank you, Columbus historic preservationists, for the fund-raisers you've done to renovate the Fifth Avenue home of blues legend Ma Rainey. But when I drove by that house Wednesday, paint was peeling badly from the front wall - so how much money did the singers at those benefit concerts REALLY get?

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

17 APR 03: A TIME OF THANKSGIVING

Thank you, Pizza Hut, for sending a flyer with 18 different coupons to my mailbox Wednesday. But after noticing all 18 coupons have an expiration date of March 31 - thank you at least for keeping the Postal Service afloat. [True!]

Thank you, Shoney's, for your helpful motel discount bulletins just inside the front door of your restaurant. But when your Phenix City, Alabama restaurant has bulletins for Kentucky, a one-day drive and two states away - well, who's trying to work himself through school filling those racks?

Thank you, Bludau's, for a lovely and elegant Wednesday night dinner with church friends. And since you're a French restaurant, special thanks for appealing to local patriots by putting New York strip steak on your menu....

(Given Bludau's prices, the last thing I expected to find on this fine French menu was "freedom fries.")

Thank you, Mrs. M, (full name available on request) for revealing a new phrase to me at that Bludau's dinner. You're truly a Southern native -- to call squash, broccoli, artichokes, and similar things "Yankee vegetables."

Thank you, Al Fleming, for your Wednesday TV commentary taking WRBL and WTVM to task for their failures in local news coverage. But considering your station WLTZ doesn't even have a news department - why don't you criticize them even more?

(By the way, why didn't Al Fleming complain a bit more about WRBL when he did commentaries there? He was upset about the New Year's baby born to an unwed mother, but besides that....)

Thank you, WRBL, for reporting the eagle's cage will not be outside Auburn University's football stadium next fall. But how could you call it "Beard-Eaves Stadium" when the video clearly had a "Jordan-Hare Stadium" sign on it - and how did the news anchors who have lived in this area for years never even notice it?

Thank you, Atlanta Falcons Youth Foundation, for your $75,000 grant to Girls Inc. of Phenix City-Russell County to build a new athletic complex. But considering the project will have softball fields, a soccer field and a walking trail, but NO field for U.S.-style football [True/WTVM] - what sort of message are you really sending?

(And when your giant-sized check at a news conference spells Russell County with only one L - shouldn't you be donating money to education programs instead?)

Thank you, Columbus historic preservationists, for the fund-raisers you've done to renovate the Fifth Avenue home of blues legend Ma Rainey. But when I drove by that house Wednesday, paint was peeling badly from the front wall - so how much money did the singers at those benefit concerts REALLY get?

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

16 APR 03: FOND FAREWELLS

This day feels a bit strange to me. My spring cleaning ended yesterday. My church congregation doesn't begin the Days of
Unleavened Bread until tonight, after taking communion last night. So when I went running this morning, I ran south on the Riverwalk - AWAY from all the bagel and doughnut shops.

It's a tradition in the church I attend to put all leaven out of your house for the Days of Unleavened Bread, which are mentioned in the Bible. I finished this year in record time - a day and five hours early! It's wonderful to discover that vacuum cleaner cord stretches so far into the oven.

I finished cleaning so early I took the last bag of trash not only out of my apartment complex, but out of state! I left it in Idle Hour Park in Phenix City - where I might actually find it when the spring season is over.

(The thrill of leaving my trash in another state is hard to explain. It's the closest I'll ever come to leaving a puppy dog along the side of a desert highway.)

I'm still pondering another departure I arranged Monday - one I stumbled into, really. I bought a homeless man a bus ticket to California to see his ailing mother. He had better not missed that bus - because if I see him on a street corner again, I'll ask for at least a 50-percent cut of his profits.

"HOMELESS, HUNGRY AND SICK" read the sign the man held up on the sidewalk on Brown Avenue, near a Piggly Wiggly store. I could have bought him food for his hunger - but I'm probably the only person in Columbus who still remembers the five-year-old Rainbow/PUSH boycott of those stores.

I decided to pull into the Piggly Wiggly parking lot and talk to the man, since I hadn't encountered any beggars all winter. This is a switch - because usually they come to me like I'm wearing a bit word "SUCKER" on all my T-shirts.

I'm now prepared for encounters with beggars - by carrying a card from the local Task Force on the Homeless listing resources. Yet this man knew the names of every shelter in Columbus, and had explanations for why he wasn't at any of them. Either he's really a bad guy, or the staff felt insulted by all his education.

Randy was the beggar's name - and he openly admitted he's a convicted felon. Why don't I wait to meet these people until Tuesday, when I can watch Crimestoppers reports first?

Randy explained he'd been barred from the Valley Rescue Mission for misdeeds of some sort, and didn't have the money to spend a fifth night at the Salvation Army. I should have offered to pay for his next night right there - but I totally forgot about the good-looking woman named Ysivette I met there awhile back on a news story.

With all of Randy's options seemingly closed, I started wondering if I should take him in personally. For some reason, the shelters around town never mention this alternative - for YOU to house them, and help them meet their budgets....

As I offered possible options out loud, Randy suddenly offered a solution: "I'm trying to get a bus ticket to see my sick mother in California." What a golden opportunity! Instead of telling a homeless beggar to get lost and leave town, I personally could do it FOR him.

So I let Randy get into the car and we drove to the downtown bus station. He explained during the trip he'd come to Columbus to work with his relatives, and they scammed him. "I guess I should know better than to work with my family," he said. This didn't sound right to me - until later, when I remembered how many times my brother asked me to work with him while I was on vacation.

Randy's ailing mom lives in Redding, California, which he said was "just north of Sacramento." To which I replied to his surprise: "JUST north? About 180 miles." [True!] Why this didn't set off alarm bells about the accuracy of the rest of his story, I have no idea....

So how much does a bus ride cost from Columbus to Redding, to send a homeless man out of town? I wound up paying 166
dollars! I somehow thought Greyhound was still the "68 or less" bus line - but of course, that was before the warfare in Iraq drove up fuel prices.

Randy left his "homeless, hungry and sick" sign beyond a trash can outside the bus station. I never did find out what his sickness was. He seemed to walk well enough - so maybe he was like other beggars, it was pathological lying.

The alarm bells about beggars didn't go off until after I drove away. I wound up returning to the bus station on my way home from another errand. The good news: I used a credit card to charge Randy's bus ride - so any refund would go back to my credit card. The bad news: if my entire credit card number was on the receipt, Randy's probably eaten at four-star restaurants the last couple of nights.

Oh yes, before I forget - goodbye, Kansas coach Roy Williams. Have fun at North Carolina. It's too bad they wouldn't rename the field house "Allen-Williams," after you got the Athletic Director fired.

(P.S., Coach Williams - did the folks at North Carolina forget to tell you you're now in the same conference with Duke's Mike Krzyzweski? You'll get to lose to him a lot more often.)

8 APR 03: ORANGE YOU UPSET

It's a conspiracy, I tell you. Orange-colored cleaners are all the rage in stores. Orange traffic cones are put up at road construction sites. And now those cheatin' refs have robbed my beloved Kansas Jayhawks, by giving the men's basketball title to a bunch of guys in ORANGE shirts!

(It's only fitting, you know - since orange is the color worn by so many prison inmates....)

It was a night of sulking at my workplace, after Kansas missed a three-point shot at the siren and lost to Syracuse. I wore a K.U. cap to work to show my support - but wound up symbolizing the final score by plopping an orange on top of it at my computer.

(I peeled open that orange during the night, but I simply couldn't bring myself to eat any of it. I'm like the Iraqi Information Minister right now -- still in the denial stage.)

I don't call the Syracuse teams the Orange-MEN, by the way. That's SO sexist. They were the Orange Persons for awhile -- but now I borrow from the Trix commercials. They're simply the "Orange Orange."

Did you see "gentleman" Coach Roy Williams' post-game interview with CBS's Bonnie Bernstein? He uttered a normally-bleeped expletive, when asked about the open job at North Carolina. Maybe Williams should learn a lesson from Atlantic Coast Conference coaches - and have the assistants answer the questions on radio and TV.

To make things worse, Coach Williams pandered to Bonnie Bernstein when she asked a follow-up question about North Carolina. He said, "Somebody in the truck is telling you in your ear to ask that question...." Can't he tell Bonnie Bernstein apart from Jill Arrington?

To be a "fair and balanced" journalist, I had a short clip of the Kansas-Syracuse final in the works for the 6:00 a.m. news - but I had to drop it for time, because of a live George W. Bush-Tony Blair news conference. Sometimes I regret dropping news stories. This was NOT one of those times....

Let's see - what else has happened while I've been busy rooting for the Jayhawks and continuing spring cleaning?

+ Cascade Hills Baptist Church had a weekend sermon on "EGO - Edge God Out." Only the graphics on the screen misspelled "Edge" as "Egde!" This may show what they think of a worldly education.

+ WRCG Radio fired talk show host Doug Graham, before his planned resignation date. The bosses must think he's so conservative that he'll bring in Fort Benning tanks for a final sendoff.

(Doug Graham reportedly called my TV station, WTVM, to see if there are any openings for news anchors. After the negative things he said last fall about Cheryl Morgan and her husband, he'd do well to get a job filling the vending machines.)

+ The South Georgia Waves' opening home baseball game at Golden Park was rained out for the second night in a row. If it keeps raining like it has lately, that nickname actually might be fitting.

2 APR 03: BUSY SEASON

Apologies for not updating this blog in awhile -- and things may be hit-and-miss for the next couple of weeks. At work, we've been busy covering the warfare. At home, I've been busy with spring cleaning. And thankfully, I have NOT become confused - and hurled trash bags across property lines at anybody.

I've been keeping an overnight "war blog" at the TV station where I work - putting in new details on Operation Iraqi Freedom as they happen. Tonight we can report there are now TWO U.S. media casualties in 12 days: Connie Chung and Peter Arnett.

What WAS Peter Arnett thinking when he agreed to be interviewed by Iraqi television? Fox News Channel may have the motto, "We report, you decide" - but in Iraq it's more like: "We distort, it's already decided."

(If Peter Arnett wanted to make comments against the warfare, there's a much more appropriate place for that - The New
York Times.)

Be thankful my overnight tape editor isn't a journalist in Iraq. Early Monday, he offered the theory that Israelis are racists
and "all Jews basically look alike." What makes this comment more amazing was that he's NOT African-American, and does NOT belong to Operation PUSH.

I upset this tape editor a few nights ago when he commented upon seeing a rap star that he's "still in the ghetto." I called
such a comment borderline racism - and I was taken to task for taking his remarks too seriously. Did I miss something, or did the movie "Bringing Down the House" change all the rules?

Given what happened before, I took a different approach to the tape editor's comments about Israelis and Jews. I suggested I don't buy into "conspiracy theories," and said some people see things differently. I stopped short of saying about 95 percent of them did....

As for the cleaning: I have a few minutes to blog because I finally finished cleaning the computer room. It took about a week-and-a-half because there were so many papers, so much dust - and so much e-mail spam that kept building.

It's great to have all the scattered papers from the floor of this computer room arranged at last. My next job is the living room - and moving half of the papers I left in there back in here.

(I have a theory that this is genetic. A few years ago at my brother's house, he had so many papers scattered on HIS office
floor that I felt I'd somehow sent wrong messages to him.)

While we're here for a break before cleaning resumes, let's get caught up on some local topics:

+ Fellini's on First restaurant downtown wants to serve beer and wine. Columbus State University, which has property nearby, is opposed - while the nearby First Presbyterian Church has no position on it. These restaurant owners should be thankful they're not next to a Baptist church.

+ The Save-A-Lot grocery store in Phenix City closed, after about two years in business with the lowest prices in the area.
I'm saddened by this - but at least co-workers won't mock me anymore for bringing "Bubba Cola" to work.

(A staff member told me Save-A-Lot plans to open three new stores in Columbus in the next year. I sure hope so - because I may have to surrender to the Wal-Mart behemoth.)

+ Newscasters around the area kept pronouncing the country under fire in a true Southern accent - "eye-rack." I thought that's where you picked your glasses, after the vision exam.

+ Good old KANSAS made the NCAA men's Final Four for the second year in a row - and I'm thinking the Jayhawks actually could win the whole thing. They have the advantage of experience. They beat Texas during the regular season. And Roy Williams is patriotic enough to keep all his players out of the FRENCH Quarter.

20 MAR 03: IRAQ, YOU ROCK, WE ALL ROCK

Today's top story on WRBL's 5:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m. news was, of course - a deadly tornado in southwest Georgia, about 100 miles away from Columbus. Perhaps that station really DOES think the fighting in Iraq is a video game.

Perhaps WRBL figured viewers had their fill of warfare-related news, and needed something different. But I can't help wondering about this station. Sunday night at 11:00 p.m., after the Azores summit and the Presidential "moment of truth" announcement, WRBL led with the NCAA basketball pairings. [True!]

Our station had a "war plan," with my job (naturally) being to update the web site as warranted. I hurried in with a big bag of oranges I bought the other day, to share with the crew. Little did I know nobody else brought anything. The management didn't even open the stashed boxes of Meals-Ready-to-Eat.

I posted on a TV news message board how "Entertainment Tonight" might be covering the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom:

+ Jann Carl: "We are FIRST in our PRIME position on the Iraqi side of the border - and here comes Tommy Franks! EWWWWW!"

+ Maria Menounos: "While the soldiers prepared for battle, we watched how they prepared their outfits. We're counting down the five best-dressed battalions!"

+ Paula Abdul: "Oh-oh - NOW Simon's done it! Blair-bashing is coming up!"

Other thoughts on the beginning of the bombing of Baghdad:

+ Have you seen CBS's spinning of reporters' faces on the Evening News? Every time I see it, I want to add merry-go-round calliope music to it.

(Either that, or I wait for one of this squares to say "Bankrupt.")

+ If a reporter is going to do a live report wearing a gas mask at an "undisclosed location," why do we even bother to name him? Shouldn't we call him "Reporter X" like pro wrestlers?

+ Is it really a good idea for President Bush to call his allies a "Coalition of the Willing?" Those initials spell C-O-W.

+ A war protester in New York's Times Square was heard on ABC News shouting, "This war will be the last." Just wait till that person see what could be planned for North Korea....

17 MAR 03: THE END OF THE ROAD

President Bush gave his final ultimatum to Iraqi President Saddam Hussein tonight. It was such a Texan moment - about the only thing missing was someone singing the theme from the movie "High Noon."

(OK, CBS - if there's a 48-hour deadline on Saddam Hussein, why don't you suspend all programming and show "48 Hours" for awhile?)

I personally take no pleasure in seeing war come. I'm a Christian, who believes in Jesus Christ as "Prince of Peace." It gets confusing when my Pastor goes to other Bible verses, where God calls Himself a "Man of War." Is this a "good cop - bad cop" thing?

The church I attend loves to look forward to Christ's return, bringing 1,000 years of peace on earth. Yet my Pastor lately has been criticizing anti-war protesters as "nambies." He's stopped short of saying they're "namby-pamby" - which is strange, since no one in our congregation is named Pam.

The last few days have marked a different sort of end for me. I filed the city papers to close the LaughLine web site. They decided NOT to refund the 82 cents in property tax I had coming back.

(It's not easy to sit in the property tax office and tell the man, "I am a dot-com failure." But at least I didn't tell him I'm a failure in romance, too.)

As I walked through the Government Center basement parking lot, I couldn't help noticing a spot marked for a "Treasure Vehicle." [True!] This was news to me - that pirates dumped buried treasure in the Chattahoochee River years ago.

I've also been looking back a bit recently, as last week marked ten years since the blizzard of 1993. I'll always remember it for several reasons:

+ A former roommate trudging through the piles of snow from across the street, bundled up so much I almost didn't recognize him - all to borrow a cup of flour.

+ The exercise I received at sunset shoveling away show on my sidewalk and around my tires with a snow shovel SO BIG it probably will pick up half of the next snow in Columbus at one time.

+ Driving in the snow to Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport - and going jogging that evening IN MY SHORTS inside the long underground Transportation Mall. After the last couple of years, that's probably impossible now. Security guards would be waiting at every other door to ask questions.

10 MAR 03: UG-HHHHH!-A

Couldn't help noticing tonight that members of the University of Georgia Alumni Association answered phones during GPTV pledge breaks. How many Georgia Tech grads called just to say two words: "Jim Harrick" ?!

(And they were answering phones during lectures on money by Suzie Orman. What was her first law again - to be TRUTHFUL about your finances?!?!)

The University of Georgia men's basketball team disqualified itself from all post-season tournaments, amid allegations that coach Jim Harrick paid money to players. Well, maybe we shouldn't say ALL post-season tournaments. They could get together with St. Bonaventure and Michigan....

Curiously, Jim Harrick's son was fired from the UGA staff a few days ago - but the head coach officially is "suspended" for now. Some alums probably are ready to suspend him, too. From the highest tree in Athens....

Jim Harrick's main accuser is former Georgia basketball player Tony Cole. Cole was charged with rape, but was acquitted. Now a Georgia judge has an arrest warrant out, because Cole may have bounced a rent check. So?! Basketball players bounce things all the time....

But wait, there's more! Three Georgia basketball players reportedly took a "phony class." For most college students in good shape, this could have been any physical education course.

Great basketball trivia question: who did Jim Harrick replace at Georgia? The answer is the forgettable Ron Jirsa - who was fired after two winning seasons, and two appearances in the N.I.T. Maybe UGA now will return to an old, washed-up concept: winning, but NOT at any cost.

Thankfully, the Columbus State men's basketball team is above board. It won the Peach Belt conference title, and now hopes to host a Division Two regional. Coach Herb Greene said his team was "ready for the next level...." So when are they playing the N.B.D.L. Riverdragons?

9 MAR 03: LOOSE ENDS AND BEGINNINGS

We may finally have resolved the issue of what a "hemi" is. [14 Jan] At church this weekend, two men explained it was a metal rod Dodge put in the engine years ago to increase compression, so drivers would have more power With my humble Honda, "increased compression" means you move the seat closer to the steering wheel.

The issue came up as several men at church were discussing a "concept motorcycle" they saw in the newspaper. It has two wheels in front, two in back, with the seat on a hump in the middle. Didn't they call this years ago a convertible?

This weekend marks the start of spring cleaning for me -- a process I allocate five-and-a-half weeks to do. Now if Saddam Hussein will kindly cooperate and resign, so I don't lose any days to a war....

(Which reminds me: was it Britain's idea to set the deadline for Iraq at March 17 - Saint Patrick's Day? Where is the outrage from the Irish at this? Civil rights groups protested at the Kuwait deadline of January 15, 1991 being Martin Luther King's birthday.)

My cleaning traditionally begins in the bathroom -- with an hour spent last night simply on the bathtub area. It takes so long because I keep dreaming the shower water somehow will rinse all the soap scum away.

I took a Sunday drive to Auburn-Opelika today, because that area has Kroger stores while Columbus does not. But you'd better carry a "Kroger Plus" card, or you'll pay about 30 percent more for everything. It's sort of like Sam's Club, only without screeners at the door.

Sometimes the spelling errors at Kroger amaze me. The sign in the produce section said "Hokay Tomatoes" - even though the label clearly says "Hokee." Maybe this is why Kroger doesn't sell eyeglasses.

On the way home, I passed the Denny's restaurant in Opelika - well, it was. It's now closed, even though a district manager told me weeks ago at the TV station a closing was a false rumor spread by a "disgruntled employee." Maybe that employee knew three-fourths of the customers.

To top off the afternoon, my old alma mater Kansas came from behind in the last two minutes to beat Missouri, and win the Big XII Championship! It makes me want to sing: "Oh, Columbia's the GERM of Missouri...."

5 MAR 03: ONE QUESTION TOO MANY

The letters section of today's Ledge-Enquirer confirmed what I'd suspected for more than a week - I wrote a question for my TV station's "Viewer Line" which offended some people. The strange thing is, the question had nothing to do with the Georgia flag....

In the 6:00 a.m. newscast I've been producing, I showed an ABC report on a U.S. air base in Saudi Arabia. This base has a Burger King, a Pizza Inn and a Baskin-Robbins on site. If some of those were covertly set up inside Baghdad, Saddam Hussein might have died from obesity by now.

After the report, I asked the viewers in a script to call with their thoughts about an overseas air base with so many perks. "Do they help boost morale?" I asked. But then I added: "Are today's armed forces spoiled?" Uh oh - the way some people are reacting to that, I might as well have changed all the "Veterans Parkway" signs in town back to 4^th Avenue.

One letter writer in the newspaper declared the second question, "The most ignorant question ever." Apparently that's even worse than a single guy asking online, "Am I hot or not?"

Several people apparently felt personally insulted by a question asking if the armed forces are spoiled - when my point really was to bring calls to the "Viewer Line." Trouble is, none of the calls have been played on the air yet. What was that Watergate line - "twisting slowly, slowly in the wind" ?!

We're down a bit in staffing at the TV station right now, which may explain why the Viewer Line calls have not been aired yet. But based on the letters in the paper, I think I can fairly guess the answer to the spoiled military question. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

I first suspected the question touched a nerve when I received e-mail from my supervisor the next night. It says from now on, all Viewer Line 9 questions must have her approval. For an all-nighter like me, it's a no-win situation. Either my question makes her angry - or I call her at midnight for approval of the question, and she gets angry for waking her up.

(It should be noted my TV station's web site has had a poll question posted about a war with Iraq for more than three weeks. I don't dare touch that one now, either -- but then, I'm the only one who still remembers it enough to post results on the air.)

Perhaps it's just me, but the focus in our station's evening news lately has been on flag-waving and soldier support. Local people against a war with Iraq don't seem to get much air time - perhaps out of fear someone from Fort Benning will hold a live-fire exercise on their block.

If any reader here is offended that I posted a question asking if the armed forces are spoiled, I apologize. This issue apparently proves when people say, "There are no stupid questions," other people consider that a stupid answer.

3 MAR 03: REVENGE OF THE BIRDS

Today officially has been declared by Columbus Council "News Three On Your Side Day." I think I can understand why - but keep one thing in mind. 3 + 03 + 03 = 9.

I wrapped up work on the overnight shift so quickly that I was home by 7:50 a.m., and in bed a touch after 8:00. But at 11:55 a.m., a sudden rattling awakened me. Oh, no! The Iraqi invaders have drooped paratroopers, to launch the pre-emptive strike....

No wait, that's not what the noise was. Another bird was in the house -- and this time took up position at my bedroom window sill. If this keeps up, I may have to rent that Alfred Hitchcock movie to learn how to keep them out.

Unlike last week, this bird apparently got in the house through a vent tube over the kitchen stove. I'd heard a noise from that area Sunday - but how can you really tell a bird's rattle from a rat's noise?

(Two vent drops in one week - do these birds think I run a theme park or something?)

I hurried out of bird - er, bed - and persuaded the bird to head out the front door to freedom. Then it was 12:05 p.m., and I struggled to get back to sleep. Perhaps it was because my anxiety about that bird reminded me too much of my romantic relationships.

I awakened officially about 2:30 p.m. - and found the kitchen in a bit of disarray. Apparently the bird searched for a way out there, before deciding to explore my sleeping quarters. I had a cat like that years ago - and it grew so desperate it started ripping my running shoes for attention.

A review of the bird's damage found some coupons off the kitchen table and on the floor. Some aluminum foil I use for wrapping meat and heating burritos had a hole in it. And yes, there WERE a couple of "spots" to give the bird away.

Later in the afternoon, I went for a jog. And on the way home, I found Carver and Spencer high school's teams playing at the Golden Park baseball stadium. It was hard to believe - a crowd of fans even smaller than the RedStixx used to draw.

And one other thing: have you seen the latest Captain D's commercial, with the woman in the restaurant talking about all the ways they prepare fish? I'm sorry -- but I've never seen a Captain D's with THAT many white folks inside. Not in Columbus, at least....

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.

2 MAR 03: "SIEMPRE EN DOMINGO"

My Sunday schedule was filled with three-letter words. "TAX" for working on my taxes. "CUT" for my hair. "SEW" for buttons falling off shirts. "BRO" for calling my brother. And of course, "GAS" - because Rush Limbaugh just might be right about an Iraqi war starting.

I arose this morning to a big surprise - as AM radio's "Sports Monster" [WMLF 1270 AM] was broadcasting in Spanish. I knew ESPN Radio's Dan Le Betard liked salsa music, but THIS much?!

It turns out the sports-talk station is now presenting Spanish programs eight hours a weekend - as "Ritmo Latino Radio." At least they did one thing to satisfy the sports fans - by having someone yell, "GOOOOOOOOL!" at the top of their lungs.

Ever the journalist, I called Ritmo Latino Radio to get the scoop for you blog readers. The man at the other end said it's on from 8:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon Saturday and Sunday - with hopes of expanding the hours soon. If I were the home-spun Coach B.R. Johnson who normally is on at noon, I'd be a little nervous....

(Ritmo Latino Radio IS a local show in Spanish -- which no doubt will scare all the conservatives in town, if they stumble on to it.)

Personally, I have no problem with radio stations broadcasting in Spanish. The music usually is nice and dancible. I understand the language well enough to keep up with some of the conversation. And I don't know the dirty words, to be offended by nasty stuff.

Some people have trouble with Spanish, of course. There's a TV ad in town, for instance, encouraging people to dine in non-smoking restaurants - and the announcer says at the end with no inflection at all, "Se habla Español." When I hear it said like that, I like to respond: "OK - Habla Español."

BLOG UPDATE: I promised to tell you more about the self-admitted "crazy man on the corner" who called the TV station the other night. (27 Feb) The caller's name was Michael, and he said he's a retired Army Sergeant with an "honorable discharge." Without my even asking, he defined "honorable" as, "to die for a cause." I wonder how many "honorable mentions" on sports teams would define it that way.

Michael offered a scattershot of thoughts -- including criticism of the weather announcer on NBC-38 (NOT my station) for "insulting children." I never had an opportunity to ask what the comment was. Did he encourage youngsters to jump in a rain puddle or something?

Michael says instead of going after Iraq, the U.S. should "clean up our own house" first - for instance, by taking shows such as Jerry Springer and "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" off the air. He'll he pleased to know the Celebrity show is only on 15 nights in a row. It just seems like months.

Michael called shortly before air time - so as he continued his diatribe at 5:56 a.m., I mentioned I was four minutes from the news. "You know what four means to me? Abraham Lincoln," he replied. Inflation HAS hit the nickel and the five-dollar bill, hasn't it?

But no, that's NOT what the caller meant. The Lincoln Memorial has four sides, he explained - while the Jefferson Memorial is round. I guess I was supposed to find some deep significance in that. Was Thomas Jefferson more well-rounded as a President?!

I tried to seek clarification on several points -- but was called a "smart**s" when I did. After all, we're told the customer IS always right. Get two customers with different opinions together, though, and they might forget that point.

By the way, not even I was immune from Michael's criticism. My first name "Richard" meant to him, "white man." Only too late did I think of Detroit Pistons basketball star Richard Hamilton....

E-MAIL UPDATE: A friend of ours in town offers this reply to what the morning Videographer said about the death of Mr. Rogers:

My daughter Olivia can top that.... We were watching the Obit on Peter Jennings, who was showing a clip of Mr. Rogers. Liv quipped, "That's right; he finished the show and died...." Not exactly honey.

Too bad it didn't happen that way -- with him getting one last word.