BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

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12 MAY 03: SPEED-DATING

All I wanted to do was drive to Publix for milk, soda and stamps. But as I went to the car Sunday afternoon, a woman walked by saying or asking for something. She seemed to have food in her mouth, so it took about five times to understand her. Lesson 1: if a beggar can't speak clearly, his or her mind may be just as fuzzy.

Finally I determined the woman wanted a ride to 744 Broadway. Yet strangely, she walked SOUTH on First Avenue to talk with me about it - when 744 Broadway is NORTH of my apartment. Then again, this IS Columbus - named for a man who went west to reach the "Far East."

It's only a five-block drive from my apartment to 744 Broadway, so I agreed to let her get in. That's when the fast-talking started.

"I see you drink beer."

"I have...."

"Do you...." She interrupted to change the topic before I could explain the empty flattened can of Budweiser on the floor of the passenger seat was there because I picked it up Saturday night to keep from running over it with my tires. That's what women want, you know - a deep, detailed conversation.

"Will you let me finish, please?" I said to the woman - then said she had ADHD. She didn't know what that was, but she was
acting like a co-worker who admits he has adult Attention Deficit Disorder. If that man ever met this woman, the fragmented sentences would be an English teacher's nightmare.

The woman in the car probably didn't have ADHD after all. As she explained, "I've had a couple of beers, it's Mother's Day...." Oh really?!?! What until Miller High Life hears about this - because those catfighting commercials might need some children added to them.

As we started the five-block drive to 744 Broadway, the woman asked more questions:

"Are you police?"

"No."

"Do you date?"

"Not in a long time." Questions like this make me wish I had a little more 20 years ago, though.

The woman then stated her name, which I admit I didn't catch. "I'm 37 years old, and I give good...." Weellllll, let's just say she didn't offer me her HEART. (Ahem)

I sat quietly and kept driving during this unusual introduction - so then the woman reached for my right leg, and my shorts. "What are you DOING?" I exclaimed. What episode of "Sex and the City" did she get this first-date idea from?

At this point we were on Broadway - and I hurried as quickly as I could. If ever there was a time the brick streets of the historic district needed paving over, it was now....

"Don't you want a date?" she asked, a bit surprised.

"No, I'm doing what you said you wanted. A ride to 744 Broadway." Lesson 2, which I should have realized long ago: a beggar seldom wants the first thing he or she requests. She wanted a ride - but apparently NOT in a car. (Ahem)

At this point we were in the 600 block of Broadway, and the woman started demanding I drop her off. I refused, noting 744 Broadway was very close. "That's not what I want," she argued. Why is it if men pull this stunt, they're guilty of a lack of commitment

At last I slowed down the car at 744 Broadway, and she cursed me as she got out of the car. The whole incident lasted about two minutes -- and it showed why I'd probably fail at those "speed-dating" club nights.

(Come to think of it, this encounter was appropriate for Mother's Day. So many times I did what my late Mom asked me to do - only to be criticized for only doing it because she told me to do it.)

I finally drove on to Publix at Cross-Country Plaza - and found one pick-up truck driving BACKWARDS in a parking lot lane, and another running a stop sign in front of the entryway. That's why I'm glad I went ahead and bought the milk and stamps -- to prove I didn't have a wild nightmare.

On a different topic: today was Clear Channel's turn to drop the hammer on AM radio stations. The "Southern gospel" music of WPNX suddenly moved to WMLF, and it's sharing time during the day with ESPN Radio. So the "Sports Monster" isn't dead - it's apparently just found religion.

WPNX apparently will no longer exist - as a woman at Clear Channel tells me it's "Hallelujah 1460," WHAL-AM. If the preaching isn't Bible-based, before long Christians will call it "shallow Hal."

(WPNX was familiar set of call letters in Columbus-Phenix City for decades. But apparently radio people no longer are "hooked on Phenix.")

The new WHAL is playing what a Clear Channel calls "urban gospel music." For those of you in Taylor County, that's called BLACK.

The obvious question here is whether Columbus really needs another, uh, "urban gospel" station. WOKS has been on the air for decades. WEAM just acquired a new slot at 100.7 FM. And those of us who like contemporary Christian music keep having to take road trips to Atlanta to hear it.

The new format of WMLF has sports-talk on 15 hours a day, Southern gospel music seven hours a day - and still "Duke and the Doctor" from 9:00 a.m.-11:00 a.m. When you still can hear this couple on the radio but you can't hear Clark Howard, is this REALLY a good sign?

The big loser in this exchange seems be the Southern gospel music fans. WPNX has had higher ratings than WMLF for years - and now its music is not only moved down the dial, it's on only seven hours a day. But then again, maybe the real goal is to convert Tony Kornheiser away from Judaism.

Speaking of a life of charity, here's a leftover from the weekend: for the third time in four years, I left cans of food by my mailbox Saturday for the Letter Carriers' hunger drive - only the postal person didn't pick them up! Does he think our apartment complex is so poor that we NEED the cans, instead?

Are you a reader of this blog? If you are, please e-mail me. It gets lonely doing this by myself.