BURKARD'S BLOG
I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.
But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.
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22 MAY 03: PHENIX PHURSDAY
I had several errands to run in Phenix City this afternoon. It was a bit surprising to see no signs at the Alabama line, bragging about being the home state of "American Idol" Rubin Studdard.
(So let me be sure I understand this. The "205" Rubin wears on his shirt is the area code for Birmingham - and NOT his weight goal?!?)
After six years in this area, I still don't understand why some Columbus residents loathe to go to Phenix City. It's not like all the businesses there are in double-wide mobile homes or something....
Stop One on the trip: a small Christian bookstore on Crawford Road, called "The Covenant." A man asked if I needed help as soon as I walked in the door. As we all know, a female employee would have let me have at least ten seconds to check items on the front table.
Several people in the church group I attend have requests for songs for me to sing. Trouble is, I can't find accompaniment tracks for any of them at stores such as "The Covenant." I'm starting to wonder if should pull a Bobby McFerrin or Billy Joel stunt, and simply record myself humming in the background.
The Covenant is located in a small shopping center - and I was surprised to see a Blimpie sandwich shop in that center has closed, only a few months after it opened. Maybe for the Phenix City crowd, they need a barbecue pork sub.
(Or, in light of American Idol, maybe a "Rubin" sandwich?!)
Stop Two: Bama Lanes near the 280 Bypass, and my second free bowling coupon. This bowling center is well hidden from the highway -- the better to keep those truck drivers from stopping there, and blocking the parking lot.
In some ways, Bama Lanes is a step above Peach Bowl in Columbus. The shoe rental costs 50 cents less. The video screens above the lanes have 3-D style effects. And if all else fails, you can sing along to the oldies music on the P-A system.
My free game started well, with a spare in the first. I was at a modest 49-for-5, when the young man behind the counter came down to offer me some advice. I moved to the left like he said - and promptly threw my second gutter ball in a row. Come to think of it, the Bible recommends a "MULTITUDE of counsel," not just one guy.
The adjustments didn't help much, and I wound up with a mere score of 72. Was it the music? Did I pick the wrong ball? Or was it the two guys two lanes over from me, smoking and walking around like they might take my sneakers?
(Only a 72 in my second bowling game in three days? That settles it - Annika Sorenstam can't play with ME, either.)
Stop Three: A few groceries at Winn-Dixie - but first on the way, I spotted a cute sign outside the Bonanza steakhouse: "Dear Lord, if you can't make me thin, please make my friends fat."
Winn-Dixie's become one of these "discount card" supermarkets - where if you don't take your card, you don't get dozens of lower prices throughout the store. All they need to do is program this into our foreheads, and the "mark of the beast" will have arrived.
The young woman at the checkout circled my receipt, to show "I've saved $1.85 so far with my discount card." She didn't bother to mention my spaghetti sauce, gallon of milk and bag of tortilla chips today saved me absolutely NOTHING.