BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for almost six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own -- no one has paid me to present theirs. Not yet.

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19 MAY 03: OUR SPECIAL GUESTS

Only minutes after my afternoon jog today, a man knocked on my door. He said he needed to make a phone call. I was stunned by this - partly because I thought I was the last person in Columbus without a cell phone.

All the man said he wanted to do was call the Booker T. Washington housing complex. Yet I stood on my side of the screen door, for seconds which seemed like a half-hour. Should I let in this total stranger? Should I ask for an ID card, and call police first?

(And after reflecting on it, shouldn't I prepare better for things like this -- and buy a cordless phone, that people can use on the porch?)

It was a moment of true mental anguish as I pondered what to do. The Christian side of me said, "Let him in." The TV journalist side of me said, "Didn't you watch those special reports on home invasions?" And the historical side of me wished BellSouth hadn't taken down all its pay phones.

Finally I decided to let the man inside to make a local call - AFTER he emptied all his pockets first. That way, I knew the man didn't have a hidden weapon. As he pulled out several dollar bills, it also showed me he didn't need to ask for dinner as well.

The man didn't have an easy time emptying his pockets, because he carried a lit half-cigarette in one hand. This guy could have "burned a hole in his wallet" in two different ways....

The man had to reach WAY down to empty his pockets - because his walking shorts were about five inches below his waist, and his boxers were quite noticeable. Yet he also had a wide brown belt tied around his shorts! To be honest, I do the same sort of thing -- except my slacks are so TIGHT around my waist, I only wear a belt so it looks right.

I seized the control of the situation at this point. "Pull your shorts up," I told the man, "and you'll need to put out your cigarette. This is a smoke-free house." It's amazing how much more powerful I feel, when Judge Joe Brown is telling off people on the TV nearby.

The guest left his cigarette stub on a front window sill outside and came in. "How'ya doing?" he asked.

"The phone's over here," I answered to hurry things along. The fewer things in the apartment he could examine, the more
challenging it would be if he tried to steal stuff later.

But wouldn't you know it - the man had trouble dialing with my phone. It's a "touch-tone," only I have it set for pulse dialing. Georgia law still makes you pay more for touch-tone service - apparently a last-ditch way of promoting the slow, "Old South" way of doing things.

The second time the man dialed the 321 number, he got through - but the line was busy. With that, he thanked me and went on his way. Given my recent history, I'm surprised the man didn't invite me to join him at B.T.W. for a beer bash.

As it happened, another couple of special guests were in downtown Columbus today. They were scouting out the RiverCenter for a possible Presidential debate next year. Peter Bowden of the Convention and Visitors Bureau says he's trying to use ALL of downtown as a selling point. Well, the reporters will need all those Broadway bars to drink when it's over.

Wayne Bennett said during the 5:30 p.m. news if the RiverCenter "was good enough for Willie Nelson, it should be good enough for a Presidential debate." Given that reasoning, one of the debates next year should take place on a Luckenbach, Texas farm.

A Presidential debate at the RiverCenter truly would be prestigious for Columbus. It also would be historic. From listening to talk radio stations in town, it would mark one of the few times a Democrat could state his opinion publicly without being interrupted.