19 OCT 07: GRAND OLE BEG-A-THON

It's been several weeks since a "blogger beggar" came up to us. It didn't even happen during our vacation in Florida. But maybe there's a reason for that - the professional corporate beggars have replaced them for a few weeks.

Thursday's "snail mail" brought an example of this. Georgia Public Broadcasting sent a letter, reminding me "the anniversary of your membership gets closer." Only in this case, I'm expected to pay at least 35 dollars for the anniversary gift - and they really wouldn't mind if I spent 50 or more.

On top of that, the two local National Public Radio stations will have Day 8 of their on-air pledge drives today. Rikki Bevington of GPB said Thursday people who make pledges are "responsible listeners." So if I don't give, am I irresponsible? If I don't call Rush Limbaugh, does that make me an irresponsible talk radio listener -- even if I agree with him?

Since the local NPR stations play a lot of classical music, it's no surprise that the announcers asking for pledges have nice cultured voices. You hardly hear anyone with a Southern accent at all. But what if stations with other kinds of music had to raise money on the air this way? I've been imagining how it would sound....

"Howdy there, folks. This here's your good friend Bubba with my ol' buddy Merle for public radio. We're here to ask you kindly -- PLEEEESE give us money, to keep us on the air. Ain't that a good idea there, Merle?"

"Sure-shootin' there, Bubba! Why, every dollar you give us here today will let us keep playing some mighty-fine music on the radio here for you. Now we like Big and Rich - but we're not neither one, so we sure need you to call us right now. And we'll make it worth your while. Won't we there, Bubba?"

"And some folks say we're not too Taylor Swift, neither, if you know what I mean. But you're right on the button, Merle. We've got some real fine gifts for you, if you PLEEESE give us money to keep us on the air. If you give our minimum amount - that's the smallest one - we'll give you a real shiny official public radio ink pen. You can't even see the ink in the middle of it. Fancy, huh, Merle?"

"Fancy free there, Bubba - but it's not free. You've gotta pay for it, by calling us right now. Now, if you give us a little more than that, tell ya what we'll do. We'll throw in one of them there famous public radio tote bags. But you've gotta add your own tote, to carry inside it. You got one of those, Bubba?"

"I think I do. Didn't they used to make Totes for wearing on your head?"

"That sounds right there, Bubba. But I don't think they ever made one with a big bill on the front, so I never wore 'em. And by the way, we've got some big bills right here at the station, don't we, Bubba?"

"Right as rain, Merle! Do you know how much we have to pay the power company every month, to keep this here station on the air? I mean, 50,000 watts comes down to.... how much is that per watt? I don't know. We gave away that official public radio pocket calculator already. But just imagine if your bedroom had a 50,000-watt lightbulb in the ceiling. That's kind of what we deal with around here."

"And since we're a public radio station, we don't play no commercials. Why, the P-R folks for the music stars don't even give us a little somethin' extra to play their songs -- if you know what I mean."

"I told you not to bring that up, Merle! Now, just forget he ever said that -- and PLEEEESE give us money to keep us on the air. Why, if you give right now and you make the biggest gift of the day, you're gonna win our grand prize. An official public radio pair of overalls!"

"Woo-whee there, Bubba! They're about as blue as blue can be. There are plenty of pockets, for holding all the keys to your storage sheds. And I tried 'em on awhile ago, so I can tell you they fit mighty fine."

"Oh, Merle - did you really try them on?"

"Well, how else am I supposed to talk about 'em? The proof of the bread pudding's in the eating there, Bubba. And we might just throw in my wife's great whiskey-battered bread pudding recipe, too!"

"We're just askin' for it at church this weekend, Merle. But right now we're asking you in radioland again - PLEEEESE give us money to keep us on the air. If you don't do that, you know what's gonna happen? We might have to start playing that high-falutin' fancy-pants music that the other public radio stations play. Do we want to do that, Merle?"

"Indeed-y don't there, Bubba! Why, some of them names on the album covers give me a hissy-fit. Take this one guy down in Columbus, Georgia - George Del Gobble. At least, I think that's how you say it. Then you have them song writers from Russia, like Ro-STROP-oh-vitch. It's no wonder we had a cold war against them."

"But you can put a stop to that right now, here today. Just pick up that telly-phone and PLEEEESE give us money, to keep us on the air. And we've made it real easy - 'cause we take credit cards. Don't we there, Merle?"

"Attaboy there, Bubba! And even better than that - we give those cards right back again."

"Bona-fidee, we do! So don't you put it off one itty-bitty second longer. Pick up that phone. Call us now. And keep in mind our little theme song at times like this...."

Now that we've made you go listen to that little theme song, let's refocus on some big events from Thursday:

+ A line of storms dropped plenty of rain on Eufaula - but as of our post time, a cloud-covered Columbus had only a trace. Maybe if everyone went outside, and pointed their vacuum cleaners toward the sky....

+ WRBL reported Georgia's water restrictions have become SO TIGHT that Clay County has barred residents from filling swimming pools. Southern Baptists across the area are shuddering at what might be coming next -- mandatory sprinkling.

+ Columbus Police warned eight outdoor air conditioning units have been stolen in the last four days. These criminals simply don't get it. The ads offering "off-season specials" do NOT apply to them.

+ The Columbus Cottonmouths prepared for their pre-season home hockey game Saturday night. Coach Jerome Bechard told WRBL the team's new goalies "have their legs underneath them." That's comforting news to me - because if the legs are above their heads, it's awfully hard to see the puck.

+ I fell short of gaining two wins in a row, at the Lil Kim's Cove Thursday night poker tournament. In fact, I fell far short - as I was one of the first couple of players eliminated at my table. It's hard to keep going with a pocket pair of jacks, when somebody else bets like he's already been crowned king.

+ Instant Message to AT&T: You can't fool me. Despite your commercial, I know how the Yellow Pages winds up at my doorstep. I actually still get a paper phone bill, with those yellow post cards seeking delivery drivers.

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