23 OCT 07: CERT-IFIED

Several emergency vehicles arrived late Monday afternoon at the Phenix City Amphitheater. Included with them was a supply of fake blood. If you didn't know better, you might have thought WWE wrestling had brought "Monday Night Raw" back to town.

This was no pro wrestling card, but there was a good bit of acting involved Monday night. The Russell County Homeland Security office staged a mock disaster at the Phenix City Amphitheater - and no, it had nothing to do with the recent concert by The Grass Roots.

The disaster drill was an opportunity to train local members of the Community Emergency Response Team - or CERT. Did they handle this the way CERTs were treated years ago? You have a breath group and a candy group - and they're two-two-two groups in one.

But seriously: Columbus area public safety relies on members of CERT to provide assistance in case of a major disaster. For instance: if people start passing out en masse because the price of water is as high as gasoline....

Russell County Sheriff Tommy Boswell admitted his department needs CERT members, because he lacks the personnel to handle a major disaster. That's surprising - because you don't hear him complaining about a lack of personnel, the way the Columbus Mayor does.

Russell County Homeland Security Director Chance Corbett says CERT members go through 16 hours of classroom instruction, before facing a mock disaster. So it's a little bit like pro football training camp - only the Atlanta Falcons' disaster hasn't been phony.

Monday night's mock disaster involved a tornado striking the Phenix City Riverwalk, killing or injuring nearly 40 people. This struck me as curious, because Columbus went through that very thing back in March. But after the last few months, a flash flood overwhelming the Riverwalk seems downright impossible.

CERT members had plenty to do, as pretend casualties were spread all over the Phenix City Riverwalk. I'm glad that wasn't my scheduled running course for the evening - because I might have tripped over somebody, and REALLY gotten hurt.

Chance Corbett says on top of the dozens of phony deaths and injuries, CERT members had to deal with firefighters shouting instructions. They were told to do that to "raise the stress level a little bit." So when do the CERT members get to experience the other side of all this - and be honored at fire stations on chili night?

Hopefully all the citizen responders did well, in handling the mock disaster. Perhaps some of them will now become CERT-ified. Others may have been happy simply to get home, and flop on a CERT-a mattress.

Now for some things which really, really did happen Monday....

+ A director of Trees Columbus told WRBL tree planting still should be done during the fall and winter, despite the lack of rain. She said trees can "mitigate the drought." If you plant enough of them side by side, I suppose you could call it a rain forest and expect monsoons.

+ Alabama's Governor sent a letter to the White House, warning an emergency water request from Georgia's Governor would hurt his state. Bob Riley claims reducing the flow of water down the Chattahoochee River would hurt Alabama industry. You know it's bad when the Mead WestVaco plant managers in Cottonton are thinking about switching from paper to Blackberries.

+ The main Columbus post office was named after Frank Lumpkin Jr. The Columbus State University sports arena down Milgen Road is named after him, too. If this trend continues, someday an entire town near Columbus could be named in Lumpkin's honor. Wouldn't that be a wonderful.... oh wait....

+ Briggs and Stratton confirmed it's laying off 90 workers at its Auburn plant, because people aren't buying emergency generators and other equipment. Those laid-off workers should ask Colorado hurricane forecaster William Gray for financial assistance -- because he overstated the danger this year, and he's still working.

+ The Atlanta Falcons determined quarterback Byron Leftwich's injury is a "high ankle sprain." No one's ever explained to me how that's different from an ordinary sprained ankle. Maybe you squeal in pain in a higher-pitched voice.

+ Instant Message to the Columbus Quarterback Club: OK, how many of you lied Monday night? How many of you claimed you hear guest Wes Durham broadcast Georgia Tech football games on Columbus radio - knowing full well that no station carries them?

SONG OF THE DAY: The Vice President is talking tough about nuclear weapons. Iranian officials say they're going nuclear, no matter what. And my mind goes back to a 1980's rock song, by that one-hit wonder group A Flock of Seagulls....

I can't stand Ahmadinejad.

His talk of nukes and Jews strikes me as odd.

He just seems very odd.

He knows the ayatollahs, too -

And all their words of peace are such a fraud.

They're all a great big fraud.

To I-ran, I-ran so far away....

We should fly, and bomb their plans away!

Make them so yesterday!

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