29 OCT 07: OLD YELLER

"I think that's your phone book," I said to my next-door neighbor Sunday evening. A wrapped phone book was on the porch, near both our front doors - and I'd already picked up my own.

"You can have it," my older neighbor answered. "I don't even have a phone." And then people are stunned to learn I don't have Internet broadband.

The new AT&T phone book actually landed on my front porch Thursday night, while I was down the street playing (and did I mention I won again?) Texas Hold 'em Poker. Those commercials are right after all -- the delivery guy always comes when you're not looking for him.

The new Columbus phone book is the first one since AT&T merged with BellSouth. Come to think of it, maybe that explains why my neighbor received one -- BellSouth didn't hand over a "do not throw" list.

AT&T always promotes it as "the Yellow Pages," but in Columbus the white pages come with the book as well. Well, they're in the big book. The smaller "companion" book has no white pages at all - as if all Columbus business owners commute here from Eufaula and Americus.

Last year's BellSouth phone book had the Northern Little Leaguers on the cover, celebrating a World Series title. The new AT&T phone book has the Columbus Lions indoor football team on the cover. It's enough to make the South Atlantic League champion Columbus Catfish think about playing at that new ball diamond in Seale.

But there's a problem with this inside the phone book - because the "community information pages" say the Columbus Lions play from June to February. It's actually the other way around. And this season, the Atlanta Falcons have only pretended to be playing until the Super Bowl in February.

We mentioned last week that the competition "Yellow Book" didn't spell Cooper Creek Park correctly on its Columbus map. But at least it shows the entire city -- while the AT&T map shows no details north of about Britt David Road. The people who run stores at Peachtree Mall probably don't mind that at all....

The AT&T phone book's map pages also include a nice picture of the "Tour de Georgia in Columbus." Considering the bicycle race hasn't been here in a couple of years, maybe that's a hidden ad for the Historic Columbus Foundation.

The "white pages" with home phone numbers cover 324 pages this year. That's 11 fewer pages than last year. The phone book is the same size - so did that many Fort Benning soldiers get sent to Iraq?

Is it only a coincidence that WRCG radio isn't listed in the new white pages - and Archway Broadcasting doesn't list any of its stations under "radio" in the Yellow Pages? The Chuck McClure Building is giving a whole new meaning to "fade pattern."

The Yellow Pages section also is smaller this year. At 508 pages, it's down 25 from last year. And when the number of pages for ads for attorneys drops by three, you know it's a bad year. [True!]

The Columbus Lions return in the last page of the AT&T Yellow Pages. Their ad includes the words, "Come Watch Us Play!" What former Columbus State University basketball player did they hire, to recycle this line?

Again this year, the coupon section of the AT&T Yellow Pages is skimpy compared to the Yellow Book. AT&T has only one page, dominated by a hair salon. The Yellow Book has more than 30 pages, include an attorney who's offering "free health care" with a will. Sometimes you can tell which lawyers are
Democrats....

So we're now set in terms of phone books for the next year. AT&T has its new Yellow Pages. The other guys have their new Yellow Book. And one of these days, someone will have the wisdom to put the "YellaWood" cowboy on the cover.

E-MAIL UPDATE: I knew there was something I'd forgotten to do this weekend....

Sir Richard:

For your information! Save yourself the effort of any research you may have planned! My appearance in Russell County District Court was brief, justice was swift, and the decision of the lower court was upheld. Now is'nt that a big surprise.

Stay tuned there's more to come!!

Constable R.J. Schweiger

I went ahead and did the research, anyway. The Constable from Hurtsboro was found in contempt of court last Thursday. A Russell County judge sentenced him to five days of "hard labor" - but thankfully, it was suspended. The thought of him picking up all that uncollected garbage is simply too stunning.

By the way, Hurtsboro is included in the new Columbus phone book - and there's no phone number listed for either Constable Robert Schweiger or Mayor Shirley Tarver-Yoe. The better not to accuse each other of harassment, I suppose....

Our next e-mail came with a baffling title: "What is your favorite flavor?" It continues:

How are you enjoying the koolaid?

This was puzzling at first - because I usually drink diet cola, and without the extra stuff. For that matter, I save chocolate syrup for my ice cream....

But then I realized this e-mail came from someone who's written us with criticism of Cascade Hills Church. We've mentioned the church several times here in recent weeks - and yes, I've been "trying it out" for a few weeks. But Kool-Aid? You have to pay one dollar for a simple cup of coffee, at the church's Resource Café.

If this writer is using "Kool-Aid" to compare Cascade Hills Church to Jim Jones and the People's Temple, that seems a bit of a stretch. So far, Pastor Bill Purvis has talked a bit about going to heaven - but nothing at all about visiting Guyana, or even taking communion.

(But then again, the services for two weekends in a row have included a song about the cross which "bids me come and die, to find that I might truly live." But the only thing close to that I've seen is a couple of people getting baptized -- and they seemed to survive it.)

Last Thursday's topic about Masterbuilt may be connected to that church as well:

I think if you called John McClemore (Cascade Hills too by the way) you may be wrong about your China comment...seems they have made several trips for some reason that has to do with business no doubt....

Well, maybe Masterbuilt is adding 40 jobs in the next five years because it plans to sell its products in China. A chicken fryer might spark an uprising against General Tsu.

OVERHEARD OVER HERE: A woman walks into a church school class, talking about a local haunted house. It costs something like ten dollars to go through it - but some people in the room are skeptical.

"So I should pay money to be scared."

"Yeah. I can drive on the J.R. Allen Parkway, and do that for free."

We hope you're comfortable with some of these news items from Sunday:

+ The Columbus Public Library displayed the winners of the "My South Now" photography contest. The blue ribbon went to a picture of a young man and woman holding hands, as they walk on opposite rails of a railroad track. As long as Amtrak doesn't serve Columbus, that should be OK....

+ The annual "Christmas Made in the South" show concluded at the Columbus Trade Center. I saw motor homes parked outside Golden Park, apparently driven by show vendors - yet I never saw any one-horse open sleighs shuttling them down Broadway.

+ Jimmie Johnson won the NASCAR race at Atlanta Motor Speedway. But what was the deal with pole-sitter Greg Biffle? He's about 100 miles from Columbus, yet he had Lumber Liquidators on the hood of his car instead of Aflac?! Did that goat from the TV commercial chew up his schedule?

+ Former Georgia Tech catcher Jason Varitek won his second World Series in four years, with the Boston Red Sox. Now he hopes to follow the example of fellow Georgia Tech graduate Nomar Garciaparra - and date the women's soccer star of his choice.

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