30 MAR 05: THE FREAK OF THE WEEK

"I'm sorry to interrupt you," said the woman looking through my screen door around 5:00 p.m. Tuesday. The woman apparently doesn't live at my apartment complex, yet somehow she wandered onto my porch. Sometimes I wonder if people get off the "trolley" bus facing the wrong direction.

"I'm one of those nicotine freaks," the woman wearing a generic "Minnesota" shirt continued. Is that what they call smokers at Georgia Cancer Coalition meetings?

"I don't have any money with me," the visitor went on, "but I can give you these stamps to get a pack of cigarettes." These weren't food stamps, but appeared to be bright orange postage stamps. The Postal Service already has special stamps to fight women's cancer -- but maybe there should be another one for lung cancer.

"These are.... 37-cent stamps," the woman said as she carefully examined the small book of stamps in her hand. For a second, I thought I was looking at a former host of QVC shopping shows.

"I figure I can give you four of these stamps for a pack. Is that a good deal?" This is what happens when they take Jim Foster's "Swap 'n' Shop" off Columbus radio.

What would YOU have said to a stranger making this offer at your front door? I receive unusual visitors like this about once a year - including one Monday morning at 7:05 a.m., when a man came by selling pain relievers and cologne. I guess you take the one if you're chemically sensitive to the other.

In this case, I had no choice for how to answer the woman's question about a good deal. "I don't know. I haven't priced packs of cigarettes because I don't smoke." If she saw a cloud inside my home Tuesday, it was because I was in the middle of spring cleaning and vacuuming the bedroom.

"Perhaps you can go to Spectrum down the street, and see if that's a good deal," I suggested to the woman. Oh yeah -- as if convenience stores are into the barter system?! A few one-dollar lottery tickets might get you a pack of cigarettes, but beyond that....

With that, the disappointed woman went on her way. I didn't see if she went to other apartments at my complex, where people actually smoke. Those people tend to stick together, you know - such as on back porches, outside workplaces.

My mother smoked Salem cigarettes for years, as I grew up - and she often gave me the honor as a boy of stashing her weekly carton in a dining room cabinet. But she didn't want me playing with her cigarettes. Even back then, I guess tobacco taxes were too high.

My mom died at age 59, after developing a brain aneurysm. Although doctors never could confirm it, I'm convinced to this day her smoking habit had something to do with it. So no, I don't smoke. I have no cigarettes to share with visitors. And come to think of it, I've never stopped to visit Salem, Alabama.

BLOG UPDATE: Columbus returned to two Deputy City Managers Tuesday, as Councilors confirmed Lisa Goodwin to fill Isaiah Hugley's old position. She'll also remain the director of the METRA bus service - so apparently she has more "drive" than any of us realized.

Lisa Goodwin was selected as Deputy City Manager over eight other people. I don't know who those other candidates were - but if any of them work in public safety, "IsOurCitySafe" probably will reveal that name to everyone in town before long.

City Manager Isaiah Hugley says by keeping Lisa Goodwin as METRA Director while she's Deputy City Manager, the city of Columbus will save exactly $97,011. I certainly hope police officers appreciate those 11 bucks....

Part of the savings will come from Lisa Goodwin's salary. When Isaiah Hugley was Deputy City Manager, he was paid $90,000. I was about to write "he EARNED $90,000," but the Fraternal Order of Police might send me another flaming e-mail....

But anyway: Lisa Goodwin will be paid $77,500 as Deputy City Manager - or about 14 percent less than Isaiah Hugley. I never realized those METRA buses were made with glass ceilings.

March is Women's History Month, and Lisa Goodwin makes history as a female Deputy City Manager in Columbus. But couldn't a $12,500 pay difference be seen by some as gender discrimination? Do city officials actually WANT Hillary Rodham Clinton to make a Presidential campaign trip here?

Another question: can the new Deputy City Manager handle the extra load of overseeing METRA as well? City Manager Hugley assured WRBL, "I would not put Lisa Goodwin in a position to fail...." Of course not. That's why Columbus Councilors confirmed the nomination - so they'll get the blame for that.

As Deputy City Manager, Lisa Goodwin will oversee the Columbus Parks Department. So if your neighborhood park doesn't have a METRA bus stop, it could have one very soon....

But City Manager Isaiah Hugley noted he's taking on extra city duties as well. For one thing, he'll now oversee the city government access channel. I hope the tape of that Government Center program honoring wife Carolyn Hugley doesn't wear out from being played so much.

Speaking of METRA, word came Tuesday that some riders are willing to accept a modest fare increase to avoid cuts in bus routes. I'm not sure what they mean by "modest" - but it would cost the bus system a lot of money for the fare boxes to accept pennies.

Now let's pull the cord, ring the bell, step off this bus and consider other sights from Tuesday:

+ Legendary lawyer Johnnie Cochran died at 67. You may recall Cochran's visit to Columbus in 1998, when he opened a law office in the Historic District. He hardly ever appeared here after that - so maybe Cochran had trouble finding words which rhyme with Columbus.

+ Longtime Alabama Senator Howell Heflin died at 83. He was Alabama's Chief Justice before heading to Washington. And you thought Roy Moore was getting his inspiration from a higher power....

+ Georgia Southwestern State University in Americus showed off its seismograph of the deadly Indonesian earthquake. Faculty members say their gear is so sensitive that it can record students walking across campus. This is yet another reason for GSW not to have a football team.

(Which reminds me: the Asian tsunami happened one day after Christmas. This latest earthquake happened one day after Easter. Where are the Christian know-it-alls, claiming God's trying to send a message to the Muslims?)

+ Davis Broadcasting made its second radio change in 48 hours, as "K-95.7" and "92.7 The River" swapped positions on the FM dial. What amazing timing - as The River suddenly seemed to go up three feet.

+ The teenage section of the Columbus Public Library was closed until further notice, because glue is seeping through the area's floor. You knew things were getting bad when teens started crawling on the floor and inhaling heavily.

+ Ten "St. Francis fellows" spent the day in the hospital's operating room, to see how things happen there. Who knows how many of them were disappointed to find the doctors aren't as good-looking as Noah Wyle on "ER."

+ Derrick Zimmerman of the Columbus Riverdragons was named N.B.D.L. Defensive Player of the Year. Sometimes I wonder if he plays defense too well - and keeps fans away from the Civic Center.

+ Russell County beat Marianna, Florida 1-0 in high school baseball, thanks to 20 strikeouts by pitcher Kasey Kiker. With a name like Kasey Kiker, you should expect a lot of K's....

+ Instant Message to the driver of a car in Phenix City with the Alabama license plate "SXYNRED": Why do you need red yarn to do that?

COMING THURSDAY: We get you ready for the big hockey showdown.... and offer a LaughLine Flashback on the late Johnnie Cochran....

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