2 MAR 05: GO FISH

Tuesday's mail brought a letter in a plain white envelope, with no return address. That sort of letter looked familiar - and I wondered what sort of gimmick Bill Heard Chevrolet was trying to sell cars now.

But to my surprise, this really was a letter from the Columbus Catfish baseball team - attempting to sell season tickets to local "business leaders." It's nice to know I have this title. Maybe now certain businesses I call won't be tempted to lead me away from them....

"We recognize the recent problems with Columbus baseball," the letter from the Catfish says, "and we have vowed to reverse the trend." For starters, the team will keep the same name for the second year in a row.

(What else do the Catfish plan to do? Pay off the umpires, so Columbus High School and C.S.U. don't win as much?)

The biggest problem with Columbus baseball in recent years has been getting people into the seats. The Catfish have less competition this year, with the arena football team folding. Now if they can have more players crash into the outfield wall, the Wardogs fans will show up.

The letter from the Catfish claims Los Angeles Dodger pitcher Edwin Jackson represented the team during the off-season, at places ranging from schools to churches. I know the Catfish are affiliated with the Dodgers - but did Jackson really bring up the Catfish? Or was that the secret password to practice at Golden Park?

The Catfish promise to be a "strong community partner" in 2005. For one thing, local schools will have an "Adopt-A-Catfish" program. [True!] If you don't like him, I suppose you can always throw him back....

The letter promises all sorts of promotions, if you buy Columbus Catfish season tickets this year:

+ Three "bobblehead nights" with doll giveaways. This would be a lot more appealing if they had a dance team -- because the dancers aren't likely to be called up.

+ Three "Faith Nights," with pre-game concerts by "major label Christian recording artists." Most fans probably would prefer Faith Hill show up once.

+ Special appearances not only by SpongeBob SquarePants, but the "Zooperstars." The WHO?! I'm still trying to figure out which talking vegetable is which.

+ An invitation to an "End-of-Season Picnic." If the Catfish hold this in Macon or Dothan, we'll take it as a sign....

One change on the Catfish schedule this year is that only five nights with fireworks are planned. Only one of those nights is a Saturday -- so people who want exploding "Saturday night specials" will have to hope someone buys the Boom Boom Room.

The Catfish also plan to play 21 weeknight games at 6:00 p.m. ET during April, May and August. This early time apparently is for students - and the team can help teach remedial math skills by having children count the attendance.

A season ticket gets you inside Golden Park for 70 Columbus Catfish games - and the letter offers you 70 creative ways to use those tickets:

+ Way #7: "Win back a customer who had a problem or a complaint with your company" - then around the sixth inning after a couple of beers, pull out the agreement to accept arbitration and agree not to sue.

+ Way #18: "Reward the employee who comes up with savings suggestions." Unless, of course, the employee suggests you not spend company money on baseball tickets....

+ Way #30: "Give tickets to an employee who left the latest last night." That way the employee leaves earlier tonight, and you save on paying overtime.

+ Way #68: "Give tickets to a representative on your local school board...." Hey, wait a minute! What does the Georgia ethics code say about these things?

E-MAIL UPDATE: Tuesday's Instant Message to Smiths Station brought a response -- but we don't think it's from a city official:

Enjoyed your comments about the Dollar General stores in the big city. Has anyone noticed how many small businesses have either moved out of SS or gone "belly up" since the "incorporation"? And how about the $1 million dollar purchase of a new city hall building when absolutely no city services exist for the residents. I guess the mayor and city council members need a real luxurious place to meet to decide that they cannot afford anything "for the people" after paying the mortgage for the building and their salaries!

I don't visit Smiths Station much, so I don't know how many businesses have gone "belly up." But recalling last November, there could be a growing business in holding people's places in line on election days.

Since Smiths Station still is a new city, I suppose people could debate which part of the government comes first. A city park is under construction right now - but having people pay water bills at the softball concession stand might not look right.

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION on the proposed "four days of abstinence" in Columbus lasted nine days, and ends with little support. Only one voter out of 15 plans to take part in the late-April economic protest. Civil rights leaders apparently have some work to do. Maybe they'll have to spend money to get people NOT to spend any.

One of the voters unimpressed by the days of abstinence wrote: "I'm so against it I may drive 300 miles to Columbus just to spend money during those days." Now this is the sort of visitor the Chamber of Commerce likes! They hope you'll come back in November to oppose WHINSEC, too.

Now we have a NEW question for your opinion -- on the proposed Wal-Mart SuperCenter in the Midland area. You've shown you're obviously in a mood to shop, so do you want to shop THERE?

Now let's put a wrap on a Tuesday when it was chilly enough to wear one:

+ Columbus Police displayed the drugs seized in the raid on Advance Fast Tax. It's more than $45,000 worth of crystal meth, also known as "ice." Please don't be confused by this. Unlike Buck Ice, this stuff IS touched by human hands - and maybe some inhuman ones.

+ Two Barnesville, Georgia brokerage firms were accused of selling phony car insurance coverage to taxi companies. One of them was "Gold Star Taxi" of Columbus - which might also want to check whether its stars really are made of tanzanite.

+ WXTX "News at Ten" interviewed Matthew Stodghill of Hamilton, who auditioned for "American Idol" last August. After looking at Stodghill, I think I know why he didn't make it to Hollywood. His hair looks too much like Ryan Seacrest's.

+ Britt David Elementary School held a fund-raiser, where children could pet a pig. C'mon now - it can't be THAT difficult to persuade youngsters to play youth football.

+ Lanett's boys basketball team got by Gaston, to advance to the Alabama AA finals. Best wishes to them in Thursday's title game - and we suggest Coach Kevin Pickard follow that by entering a Rick Majerus look-alike contest.

+ Instant Message to the Columbus Public Library: What's going on here? It's been two months, and you STILL don't have gold-edged wooden plaques pointing people to the rooms of corporate sponsors?

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