29 MAR 05: IN THE PINK

"X-3?" asked the man holding a clipboard Monday afternoon.

I was ready for this exact question. "No, I've never been married."

I was joking, and the man quickly realized it. He was asking if I wanted to take a drive in a BMW X-3 car - one of several available at Monday's "Ultimate Drive" fundraiser downtown. To be honest, I didn't know any BMW model names. I figured most of them would be in German, anyway -- and I don't speak much German.

The Ultimate Drive may go down as the easiest fundraising campaign ever invented. You simply show up, drive a car for a few miles, and BMW makes a donation to fight women's cancer. And the best part is that somebody else paid to fill the fuel tank.

About 20 people were in line to drive cars when I showed up at Ken Thomas BMW late Monday morning. One or two of them actually had already driven cars, and were waiting for another ride. I got over this habit when I was young - after about ten rides in a row on a Kansas City roller coaster.

(In fact, so many radio stations had their vans parked outside the dealership that I almost thought the announcers were doubling as chauffeurs.)

It had been a couple of years since the last time I took part in the Ultimate Drive, and a few things had changed. For one thing, high winds drove the registration table inside the BMW dealership. They also drove down the registration sign -- so I almost hopped in a car without signing in first.

The sign-in form for the Ultimate Drive has a back page filled with fine print to guard against lawsuits. For instance, you have to confirm you haven't been drinking. If you have, it could truly be YOUR ultimate drive -- as in the last one.

Once you sign the sign-in form, your hand is stamped to make you an eligible driver. Only in a Bible Belt city like Columbus would a staff member understand my calling that stamp "the mark of the beast...."

While I waited in line, a man on the Ultimate Drive staff reminded the group: "When you pull up, be sure you do it near us...." Is this one of those Southern phrases - to "pull up?" I seem to recall hearing this action called "parking" years ago.

Finally my turn came to drive a BMW X-3 - a minivan-like car which I learned later has a starting price of about $31,000. This was easily the most expensive vehicle I've ever driven. My late dad wouldn't even let me drive his tractor-trailers....

A staff member made sure I started the car - then she reset the mile counter to zero. Every mile counts, in terms of BMW donations to a cancer foundation. But I also had a specific course to follow on my drive - so a side trip to the supermarket would have been exposed.

(It turns out X-3 cars are sold with their own "onboard navigation systems." So if I'd decided to hurry down to Cusseta, someone in front of a giant map would have called police.)

My BMW beeped a couple of times as I backed out of the parking space to begin my drive. I'm not sure why it did. But someone was walking behind the car as I started to back out. Maybe this anti-cancer X-3 is built just for women - you know, extra sensitive.

Special thanks to whomever set my X-3 to have WEAM-FM on the radio. But it may disappoint you to learn I'm a converted believer already....

(The song on WEAM-FM as I started the drive was called, "I'm Blessed." If I really was, they'd have a drawing at the end of the day and give me one of those high-priced cars.)

The X-3 came fully equipped with all sorts of things - including not one but TWO sunroofs. So driving in Columbus during July, you could get sunburned on several different parts of your body....

The course for the Ultimate Drive covered 6.7 miles, from Ken Thomas BMW at Ninth and Veterans Parkway to Victory Drive and North Lumpkin Road. I was a little surprised that people weren't lined up outside the Booker T. Washington Apartments, seeking handouts from charitable-minded drivers like me.

The course for the Ultimate Drive didn't really allow me to open up the throttle to see how quickly and powerfully the X-3 could go. Besides, I applied a rule I keep telling myself when I rent a vehicle for vacation - "This is not my car."

The test drive didn't last nearly long enough, but it was nice and uneventful. I felt like I had more "blind spots" than usual, driving a car with an elevated driver's seat like the X-3. Normally I'm in a compact car, watching SUV drivers glare at me for driving at the speed limit.

With the X-3 "pulled up" to its proper place, I went inside Ken Thomas BMW to sign a car. Yes, there was a special car people could sign to fight cancer. I don't recall any NASCAR drivers doing this after they win races....

There was only one catch: you only had a one-inch square area of the car to sign. People who have seen my handwriting over the years won't be surprised by this news - I made my name fit that area just fine.

One nice hidden extra of the Ultimate Drive is that free food is available for participants. I overheard one woman saying quiche was served for breakfast at Ken Thomas BMW Monday. At the Daewoo dealer, I suppose it was the usual little box of raisin bran.

The color pink was everywhere, relating to the cancer-fighting theme of the Ultimate Drive. The cars had giant pink ribbons on the hood. The plates and cups for the refreshments were pink. Balloons around the showroom were pink. About the only things missing were Trista and Ryan from "The Bachelorette," renewing their vows.

Melissa Thomas of Ken Thomas BMW takes the Ultimate Drive personally, since she's a cancer survivor. During a lunch-hour program after my drive, she urged people to drive cars all day long. Did the driver finishing the most laps take home a checkered flag?

Melissa Thomas's goal for the Ultimate Drive this year was 10,000 miles driven, which computes to $10,000 for cancer research. She noted BMW of Macon only reached about 6,000 miles. Based on these numbers, the Cottonmouths will accept the Southern League hockey trophy right now.

The program at Ken Thomas BMW included an appearance by the director of the John B. Amos Cancer Center. He said one modern feature of the new center on Veterans Parkway is the use of "nurse navigators" to guide patients. That's funny - my computer's Netscape Navigator became dated about four years ago.

If you missed the Ultimate Drive, there are other ways to help fight women's cancer. The registration table had something called "Sip for the Cure," with a special tea bag. I suppose we'll never see a low-carb beer with a "Guzzle for the Cure" label....

Now please be careful not to spill anything, as we consider other Monday highlights:

+ The Army Corps of Engineers announced five gates would be opened at West Point Lake, to relieve pressure from the weekend rain. Hey, I've got an idea! Do this next year, too - and expand "Thunder in the Valley" to include powerboat racing.

+ The Auburn-Opelika Convention and Visitors Bureau called for a higher hotel-motel tax - with the money to be used for its own advertising. Does this explain why Spectrum stores keep running commercials, mentioning everything but gas prices?

+ Qualifying opened for the open mayor's seat in Talbotton. You can run if you've lived in Talbotton for a year, and pay a 35-dollar fee. This could be the political comeback Danae Roberts has been waiting for....

+ Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue signed a bill granting teachers a tax deduction of up to 250 dollars, if they buy their own school supplies. We expect an expansion of Chapman's on Wynnton Road will be announced before the end of the week.

+ ESPN reported former Atlanta Falcons head coach Jerry Glanville will become Defensive Coordinator at the University of Hawaii. I'm sure his black trenchcoat will be perfect on the sidelines in tropical Honolulu....

+ Instant Message to Davis Broadcasting: Is that all you plan to do with AM-1580? You'll simply run ESPN radio 24 hours a day, without even station identification?! I thought you were competing with satellite radio, not doing the exact same thing.

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