for 24 JAN 05: THE NUMBERS GAME

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: Any humor I create had part of its inspiration in the work of Johnny Carson, who died Sunday at 79. Our condolences to his family - and in his honor, the jokes shall go on....)

Did you watch the premiere of "Numbers" on CBS Sunday night? I mean the drama - not the "StatTrax" numbers CBS Sports loves to show during football games....

There's reportedly a Columbus connection to the new series "Numbers." And in that connection, there's a strange family story - so strange, I believe I should change some of the names in it. There's a proud mother, a rather embarrassed daughter, and someone trying to create a news story with something other than a march downtown.

I took a close look at the closing credits for "Numbers" for one particular name -- a Production Assistant named "Tea." She moved from Columbus to Hollywood to work in the movie business. At this young point in her career, she might be considered GREEN Tea....

Tea's mother is a woman we'll call Kelly. Late one night last week, Kelly decided to call a local TV station with a story "on her heart" - namely her daughter. I've heard of plenty of parents doing this. One was thrilled merely for his little boy refusing to ride a school bus, because it had no seat belts.

Kelly noted Tea became interested in film production after having a part in the Mel Gibson movie "We Were Soldiers." That part, Kelly said, consisted of standing behind a main character for about five minutes. At least Mom can play the home video, if her daughter doesn't call for a few days....

Kelly says her daughter moved to Atlanta for film production work, then went to Hollywood "on her own." Trouble spot #1: Tea says SEVERAL young adults from Columbus went to Hollywood. So who knows -- we may have the makings of a "Rivertown Brat Pack."

Kelly says her daughter is "living out of a Jeep" and "sleeping on the floor" in Hollywood, while helping the crew of "Numbers." If this series catches on, that could change -- as star Rob Morrow might let her sleep overnight in his star trailer.

Kelly claims as her daughter works in Hollywood, "everyone knows her": as Production Assistant. Some people reportedly even asked Tea to do a screen test. In parts of Southern California, this can be dangerous -- because she might wind up in movies you can buy only at those shops with no windows on Victory Drive.

Kelly wanted the TV station to do a story on Tea's decision to go to Hollywood and try to make it in the movie business. Trouble spot #2: Mom admitted her daughter's "not successful yet." In Columbus, people sometimes aren't even interested in success stories - such as the Riverdragons....

Trouble spot #3: Mother Kelly did NOT want daughter Tea to know she had contacted the TV station to suggest this news story.
Mysterious "unnamed sources" usually only work in Hollywood if someone sees Jennifer Aniston holding a man's hand.

The mom suggested a couple of other people who would share Tea's story, and give her some "cover." I understand the TV station took this information, but decided to wait on it until the next day. After all, Kelly had called after 10:00 p.m. Waking up a grandmother late at night for this might have given her a heart attack.

Trouble spot #4: The afternoon after Kelly called the TV station, daughter Tea called - on her own. She'd apparently been "left a message" to call the station. But the station had yet to call her! Maybe Tea gets her acting skills from a parent who's good at doing different voices....

When Tea found out the TV station had NOT called her, she figured out what was happening. Her mother had made the phone calls, attempting to give her publicity - and she was upset. I personally don't like Tea that's scalding hot like this.

Tea wondered why her mother would call a TV station and hatch a "news story" plot like this. Kelly may have done it out of pride. Perhaps she was feeling a bit lonely. And maybe Mom had misplaced the phone number to Dr. Laura Schlesinger's talk show.

Tea says she'll be coming home to Columbus in a couple of months, for a project benefitting local school arts programs. She'll want news coverage for that - but would rather NOT have any for her Production Assistant work in Hollywood. So I'm sorry, the blog will NOT start a "BED-time Tea" donation campaign.

Trouble Spot #5: About those closing credits of "Numbers" - I never saw Tea's name on the list at the side of the screen. Do you think her efforts to deliver papers and fetch water were cut out of the show? Or does her mom need some numbers of her own -- numbers of people, to keep her under control?

Let's take our Tea-pot off the stove, and consider other weekend items:

+ The Friendship Volunteer Fire Department set fire to a mobile home in Smiths Station, in a training exercise. This department is interested in finding other homes for practice - but please, allow your mother-in-law to move out BEFORE calling the firefighters.

+ The Auburn Horse Arena hosted a two-day auction of wild horses. Yes, these were REAL -- not the sort of "wild horses" people drive at about 90 miles per hour on the freeway.

+ The Atlanta Falcons lost the "National Bowl" (why doesn't the N.F.L. call it that?) to Philadelphia 27-10. It's obvious to me what the Falcons need to do next season. Michael Vick's mom needs to start serving the team Chunky soup.

(For some reason, WDAK aired the national network broadcast of Atlanta-Philadelphia, after presenting the Falcons Radio Network all season. Maybe the management finally decided Wes Durham's slang terms were more than anyone outside Atlanta could understand.)

+ Instant Message to the driver of a green truck with "Psycho Angel" on the rear window: You'll be pleased to know when I saw your truck at Target the other day, I made sure to park three spaces away from you.

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