15 JAN 05: CLASSIC BLOG - LUCKY YOU?

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: While big processions moved down Broadway and Second Avenue this afternoon, another quiet one moved up First Avenue - a funeral procession for my late next-door neighbor. In her honor, we use King Day weekend to repeat several of our favorite items about her. This one is from 16 Jun 04:)

"Certified documents enclosed for addressee only," read the outside of the envelope from Marietta. If someone tampered of obstructed the delivery of this envelope to me, it warned, he could face a "$2000 fine or five years imprisonment." It's almost tempting to lave that envelope on the windshield of an enemy, then call police.

But this envelope had my name on it, so I opened it - and much as I suspected, it was a promotion for a car dealer. Why can't these places put their names on their envelopes? Do they pull this same sort of stunt when it comes to car payment bills?

I've grown familiar with gimmicks to get me into a car dealer's showroom. This one from Bill Heard Chevrolet came with a scratch-off card, with instructions NOT to scratch it off "until you are in the presence of an official representative." So it's like mixing the Georgia Lottery with the Patriot Act....

The offer notes one in 50,000 cards will win $10,000 cash. One will win $100 cash. The other 49,998 receive a "$1,000 Internet Shopping Spree." Yeah right, I said to myself. How many used CD-Roms of card games do I need?

I set Bill Heard's offer aside to pursue another day - but a short time later, my older next-door neighbor knocked on my door. She'd received the very same envelope, already scratched off the card -- and "I won a $1,000 shopping spree!" I wonder if she reads the fine print on Cash 3 tickets, too.

"I already called them, and they said I should bring it right over," my neighbor said with enthusiasm. Perhaps the Bill Heard staff has more patience on customers they perceive as suckers.

Of course, Bill Heard Chevrolet didn't realize who this potential customer was. This is the neighbor who needs me to give her rides all the time, so she has no car. And the financing would have to be really creative - since only hours before, I'd taken her to Valley Rescue Mission for free clothing and canned goods.

I tried to reason with my neighbor - noting if 49,998 out of 50,000 people get a $1,000 Internet shopping spree, she shouldn't get her hopes too high. Yet she was optimistic: "I told them I want to get some clothing." Well, she certainly wasn't likely to lose her shirt....

My neighbor was a bit surprised at the distance to Bill Heard Chevrolet. Why, it's located east of Peachtree Mall - too far out for the METRA buses she refuses to ride, anyway.

(But let's face it: new car dealerships in downtown areas are a thing of the past. The car companies don't want them there. And we certainly know the Phenix City Council doesn't want them there anymore.)

Nice touch #1: Bill Heard Chevrolet has marked parking spaces for customers. I've always worried a little if I took my car to a dealer and parked in the wrong spot, a salesperson would sell it by the time I returned.

Luis the car salesman seemed a bit puzzled as we got out of my humble Honda and walked inside. I couldn't blame him, really. For one thing, who was the customer here? And for another thing, could that 75-year-old African-American woman possibly be my mother?

Nice touch #2: "It feels good in here!" my neighbor declared walking inside the showroom. She meant the air conditioning on a sticky June day. I was a bit surprised not to notice any "new car smell."

We sat down with Luis, and he pulled out the "gift certificate" for my neighbor's $1,000 Internet shopping spree. All she had to do was go on the Internet and pick gifts of all sorts. Of course, now all someone had to do was explain to this older woman what an Internet is.

Nice touch #3: In addition to the business cards on Luis's desk, he also had several for "Living Waters Fellowship." I have no idea where this group meets, because the phone book only has a zip code and phone number -- perhaps to guard against visits by those pesky Jehovah's Witnesses.

"Praise Jesus!" said my neighbor about what she considered a shopping spree blessing. "I'm 75 years old, I've been attending a white church...." Even when there's a mass mailing giveaway -- if it happens in Columbus, someone will boil it down to a racial issue.

"My neighbor didn't want to give me a ride over here," the winner continued, "but this man here was willing to help me out." Welllll - this WAS promoted in Tuesday's blog entry as today's topic....

We left Bill Heard Chevrolet with no pitch at all from Luis to buy a car. He stared at my neighbor's words of praise and offered quiet agreement - acting like he could stare down Tim Duncan in that new American Express commercial.

As we started toward home on Manchester Expressway, I couldn't help noticing the gully in front of Peachtree Mall. The rain had created a very wide stream of water -- but apparently it developed too quickly for anyone to whitewater raft on it.

My next-door neighbor doesn't have a computer, so she asked me how she could claim her shopping spree.

"I can go on the Internet, go to the web site on your certificate, and type in the confirmation numbers."

"And you know how to do that?!"

"Yeah," I quietly replied as modestly as I could. Nine years of online experience hasn't brought me any dates, though.

When we got home, my neighbor gave me her gift certificate. I turned on the computer, called up the gift web site and entered the right numbers -- then went to my neighbor next door and said, "I've set it up in the apparel section."

"What?"

"The apparel section." That's a fancy northern word for clothing, you know.

My neighbor entered my apartment, became only the second person ever to sit in my Official Computer Chair -- and just stared at the screen. This 75-year-old woman is so computer illiterate, she might have run away if I'd said "mouse."

I scrolled down through the apparel section for my neighbor - and she seemed stunned by the listed "market price" and "you pay shipping and handling" lower price. This woman on a fixed income wasn't praising Jesus anymore. In fact, she came across as a woman who didn't have many blessings to count.

I explained the fine print on the gift certificate which my neighbor hadn't noticed. The items on this "shopping spree" require you to pay the shipping and handling, PLUS a "five-dollar processing fee per order." Spree and fee only rhyme with "free."

Another dilemma: to order items online, my neighbor would need a credit card. She doesn't have any. In fact, it took me more than a year to stop her from making me a personal loan office.

But the good news for my neighbor is that there's a "snail mail" option in the gift certificate fine print. For only $2.95 she can send a request to Florida for a catalog - well, maybe I shouldn't say "only." She can't pay me seven bucks for gas until next month.

My disappointed neighbor left will think about finding that $2.95 -- but she told me as she left my apartment, "I didn't see anything there for women, anyway." Unisex leather jackets and ladies fringed vests apparently didn't count.

I probed around the gift web site after my neighbor left - and it DOES have a few potential bargains on it. But some of the others seem like a ripoff. For instance, a one-year subscription to GQ magazine costs $9.95, including "shipping and handling." Shipping a magazine?! Is Fed-Ex delivering it in brown bubble wrap?

COMING SUNDAY: Full coverage of the Saturday action.... and our tribute to Ms. Lola continues....

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-05 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.