21 JAN 05: DEAT AND BEINNIN

The first thing to die was the arrow-right key. It simply stopped working, without any warning or sign of trouble. For those of you who know my religious beliefs - no, I did NOT consider this a sign from God that I'd become too liberal.

But I found I could keep writing this blog for you without a working arrow-right key on my keyboard. There was a bit of adjusting, though - because for a writer like me, that key is quite valuable. I can jump back to the source of my misspellings much faster.

Just when I thought I'd only have to play one key short, things grew worse last weekend. As I used my computer calculator, I discovered the number 2 on the right side of the keyboard had quit working. And the 8. And the "/" key for division. Thankfully all this happened before I started working on my taxes....

This trend was starting to trouble me - and puzzle me as well. My e-Machines keyboard had worked well since the day I brought my PC home on April 30, 1999. Yes, I remember historic dates like that one - especially since I haven't had any romantic dates with women since.

What could be going wrong with my keyboard? I wondered. I'd never made the fatal mistake I made at my workplace once, and spilled soda all over it. Not even the fact that it was diet cola with NutraSweet prevented things from getting sticky....

And it wasn't a matter of spilling food on my keyboard recently, either. I make a regular habit on slow days of turning the board upside down, knocking all the cookie and cracker crumbs out - and I won't get into the human hairball I created once.

For lack of a better explanation, I tentatively decided a bug had taken over my keyboard. Not a computer virus - a cockroach sort of bug. Little ones love to hide under and between keys during summer, you know. Then they jump out, like a computer game space alien daring you to zap it in less than five seconds.

But sadly, the keyboard kept losing keys one at a time. It was a slow, painful death - you know, the sort of death some Republicans wanted to give protesters in Washington during Thursday's inauguration.

The last straw (or is that stroke?) for my computer keyboard came late Monday night as I prepared Tuesday's blog entry. [18 Jan] Remember the "reasons which will be explained later" which stopped me? The keyboard was the main reason. The fact that computer accessory shops tend to be closed at 1:30 a.m. was another one.

My keyboard frustration reached its height when - well, when I couldn't type a word like "height." The H key died, then the G next to it. Imagine if my topic had been the H.H. Gregg store....

(I suppose I could have lived without the G key for awhile - by simply writing the way some Southerners speak. You know, with words such as darlin', shortnin', fixin'....)

So how did I finish Tuesday's entry without a ton of typographical errors? Thankfully, I use WordPerfect for this blog - and it has a feature allowing you to insert "symbols." They range from the standard alphabet to a Spanish "ñ," and even suits in a card deck. What a slow way to play online hearts that would be.

The WordPerfect system also has a "spellcheck," of course. Some younger adults have become so reliant on that feature, they admit they have trouble spelling basic English words anymore -- so perhaps we shouldn't be surprised that National Spelling Bee champions look nerdier than ever.

(In the LaughLine era, I used to offer "SpellChuckles" based on actual suggestions computer spellchecks gave me. For instance, my spellcheck doesn't recognize "blog" - and suggests BLOB instead! I've been trying to lose weight, really....)

So Tuesday's blog entry came to you with a little extra effort on my part. I'm tempted to call it "Yankee ingenuity" - but I think I insulted native Southerners once already, with that line about darlin' and fixin'.

I went to bed late Monday night knowing I needed to hustle out Tuesday morning and buy a new keyboard. After all, I've become dependent on my computer for so many things - from writing blogs to keeping Bible study notes. And my vacation last fall marked the first time in years I'd played card games with REAL playing cards.

Torn between a couple of shopping spots, I decided to drive to Target for a new computer keyboard Tuesday morning. I'd never shopped for one before -- and I was struck by a wireless keyboard priced at $40. But what if I typed too many wireless strokes a month? Would I face an overage charge?

I settled on a basic, bargain-priced General Electric keyboard costing less than ten dollars. And I'm glad to report it's working fine so far. There's not even a hidden program that shows me pop-up ads promoting NBC television shows while I'm online.

(But I must admit I have NOT removed the plastic bag cover from my new keyboard yet. Am I asking for trouble here - by tempting myself to eat even more at the computer?)

All in all, I'm thankful my old computer keyboard lasted as long as it did - five years, eight months. And considering one of the "legs" under that keyboard broke off along the way, I don't have to use bottle caps to make things level anymore.

But consider the last two months with my computer. I lost the ability to call up web pages. I bought a new computer CD player to resolve that - then wound up needing my hard drive reformatted. Now I've switched to a new keyboard. The way things are going, that longshot chance for thunderstorms this weekend will make my monitor explode.

Now some quick notes from around the area to wrap up the week:

+ The Columbus Chamber of Commerce presented James Yancey with its annual "Woodruff Award." If an executive from W.C. Bradley had received this, angry workers might have organized a Char-Broil version of the Boston tea party.

+ The Columbus Catfish used the Chamber's annual dinner to announce they're retiring number 44 - in honor of keynote speaker Hank Aaron. So does this mean his Krispy Kreme doughnuts will be on sale at Golden Park this summer? Or can Golden Donuts offer a better bid, to keep the ballpark's name from changing?

+ The Columbus Riverdragons lost their fourth game in a row -- and the official attendance at the Civic Center was 351. Talk about fickle fans! The 12-game winning streak ends, and half of the regular crowd gives up....

(Columbus State drew about nine times as many fans Wednesday, for "pack the house night." The Riverdragons might have to get fans' attention with a "load the moving truck night.")

+ Which local TV weathercaster told his viewers to "plan for a cold one on Sunday?" If they're Atlanta Falcons fans, they're probably planning for at least SIX cold ones - maybe even 12 or 24.

+ Instant Message to the Opelika Arts Council: I'm impressed that you're bringing a symphony orchestra from Moscow to town tonight. But c'mon - a Russian orchestra doing an all-Tchaikovsky program? Is this REALLY promoting diversity, and opposing profiling?

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