30 JAN 05: PUBLIX ENEMY?

"Is it Wednesday? No. Are you over 60? No. Would you like to save money? Yes."

I read the little sign at the Publix checkout aloud to the clerk, answering its questions - then asked: "What does one out of three get me?"

"Nothing," a young man named Caleb replied. Which is why I don't buy lottery tickets at Publix, either.

I went to a Publix store Friday afternoon, but it was NOT to shop in panic-driven preparation for the ice storm. My goal was NOT to buy the news-cliche "bread and milk." For one thing, Publix bread prices are too high for me nowadays....

It was a regular grocery trip to Publix, and everything seemed to be routine. I bought seven bags' full of groceries for about 31 dollars. Nothing gives a single guy away in 2005 quite like saying he did all his grocery shopping for 31 dollars.

But when I drove home and took everything into the kitchen for unloading, I discovered something strange. One bag of groceries was missing! It was the bag which should have had a package of chocolate chip cookies - and depriving me of chocolate chip cookies is a little like stealing a Texas cowboy's horse.

(Two boxes of fruit and cereal bars also were in the missing bag - but as you can tell, I have priorities.)

I've been shortchanged on bags of groceries before. When I lived in suburban Atlanta, I came home from a Kroger with a few missing items. I've never quite been sure if someone walking by my home parking spot reached into the open trunk - or if one of the beggars on Cleveland Avenue decided on a shortcut to asking for food money.

I had some extra time on Friday afternoon, so I hustled to the car and drove back to Publix with my grocery receipt. How could Caleb at the checkout and the grocery bagger make a blunder like this? Do they sneak customers' bags into the break room, because the vending machine prices are too high?

Within 45 minutes of leaving Publix, I was back for redemption. I walked directly to checkout aisle 2, where Caleb was still on duty. He was puzzled by the guy standing with no groceries, between two shoppers with dozens. "And your items end.... where?"

"Right here," I said as I handed the receipt to Caleb. It was all I could do not to begin intense questioning, like a detective on the CSI shows.

"You can take that to the customer service desk, and they'll be happy to help you," Caleb replied. He didn't flinch a bit at my return. If he ever loses his job at Publix, Caleb has a great future as a telemarketer.

An older woman at the Publix customer service desk was very understanding. She saw my marked receipt, allowed me to track down replacement items, and bagged them for me. Either Publix hires some very quality, cordial staff members - or they all belong to some secret religious cult.

The Publix adventure didn't quite end there. As I walked to my car with the "make-up" bag containing cookies and cereal bars, a driver decided to pull an amazing stunt. Let me illustrate with a keyboard drawing:

\ ^ \ This is how the big car should have been pointing the front of his car in the parking stall.

\ ; \ This is how the driver actually pointed the car - in the opposite direction. (Pretend that comma is a giant front bumper.)

The big car then pulled out BETWEEN parked cars, and did a two-thirds circle turn right to drive the way the parking spaces were pointing all along. I thought only Atlanta people pulled "creative driving" tricks like this.

I made it home safely for the weekend, but I'm not sure if I'll go back to Publix for a while. The checkout team misplaced one of my seven bags. Some of the drivers act like they're trying out for professional figure skating. And who knows what might have happened, if I'd asked for a special cut of meat.

BLOG UPDATE: Saturday night found thousands of area residents still without power, in the wake of the ice storm. Hopefully everyone is coping patiently with this - and using the generators they bought last September, to impress their friends when the hurricane came.

The American Red Cross opened a shelter on Psalmond Road for people still without electricity. Hopefully the staff tried to cheer everyone up - by changing the labels on candy bars to say "Psalmond Joy."

Of all the weekends for Tim Hudson to hold his annual baseball camp! The local star had to move Saturday's session indoors at Cascade Hills Church - allowing youngsters the thrill of experiencing how big-leaguers felt playing in Montreal's domed stadium.

If you think the Columbus area had problems with ice, consider what Atlanta faced. Enough ice fell to close every interstate in the city for awhile - something which hardly even happens during a Friday afternoon rush hour.

E-MAIL UPDATE: We have two more messages from "IsOurCitySafe," making four in the last couple of weeks. In fact, so many are being sent around Columbus that a more fitting question may be "Is Our In-Box Safe."

Here's the first note of concern we received about Columbus public safety:

This was a response to an email I received about traffic enforcement:

Sorry it took so long to reply. Part-time jobs have been eating up most of my time lately.

I understand your point about traffic control devices in Columbus. I guess I don't see the problems with traffic since I work in the middle of the night and when I do get out, traffic has already died down. I can imagine it is very frustrating

I think the following information will be interesting to you. I was reading the lineup of officers on duty between the hours of 1515hrs and 2345hrs on 1/3/05. In the whole city of Columbus, there were 11 patrol officers answering 911 calls. That is really scary to me considering that between those hours there are more than 200k people in the city.

The only way to solve the problem is for the citizens to stand up to city council and let them know that they are tired of having to wait over an hour for the Police to respond to accident calls. They are tired of having Police officers that can barely read and write responding to calls. They are tired of the city spending all of the tax dollars on making the city pretty and start making it safer. I am sure that you know the path that the New Orleans Police Dept. took in the 1980s. Well, we are following the same path. If things don't get better as far as pay, benefits, and the hiring of quality people, Columbus is going to see more and more Police corruption in the near future.

Happy new year to you sir.

Happy new year? If the recipient of this e-mail lived in Columbus, he might have put his home up for sale and fled to Talbot County by now.

We're obviously at a loss to understand the discussion about "traffic control devices." From what I heard the other night about the newly-widened Macon Road, the best devices might be a set of lights for drag racing.

I didn't know you could "read the lineup of officers on duty" in Columbus. In fact, the thought of doing it never occurred to me - well, except during the Georgia Police and Fire Games.

So on the night of January 3, only 11 Columbus police officers were assigned to handle 911 calls?! Perhaps the department had a plan this writer didn't grasp. That was the night Auburn played in the Sugar Bowl - so most of the force may have been assigned to sports bars.

If people are waiting more than an hour for police to answer accident calls, perhaps it's time to do what bigger cities do. Not hire extra officers - but have a "steer it and clear it" policy. If you can pull the car to the side on your own, do it - then trade punches with the other driver there.

Are you tired of Columbus spending money "making the city pretty?" Then call your councilor this weekend - and tell them to have the Columbus Cycling Club cover all the city parks with bike trails. The club will do it for free, you know....

Some people might need a refresher course on the path New Orleans Police took in the 1980's. In fact, people who only go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras might be surprised the city even HAS a police force.

Message #2 from "IsOurCitySafe" reads as follows:

Did you know that in 1994, between the hours of 315 PM and 1145 PM, there were an average of 45 Police Officers on the street protecting the citizens of Columbus?

Did you know that in 2005, between the hours of 315 PM and 1145 PM, there are an average of 25 Police Officers on the street protecting the citizens of Columbus?

Did you know that out of the 25 or so Police Officers working between the hours of 315 PM and 1145 PM, about 3-4 are officers that have come in on their off days or are working overtime?

Has there been a dramatic decrease in crime in Columbus? No. There has been an increase.

Has there been a decrease in population, therefore we need less Police? No. There has been an increase in population.

When I look at the number of Police Officers on the street now compared to the number on the street just 10 yrs ago, it makes me wonder how many will be on the street protecting the citizens of Columbus when the 18 thousand new soldiers and families arrive in Columbus.

If you have called 911 lately and have seen how long it takes to see a Police Officer, how long do you think its going to take when several more thousand people are calling the Police too?

Call your city councilor and ask them what they plan to do about the situation. I don't know how they can look at themselves in the mirror every morning knowing that Columbus is becoming less and less safe yet they sit back and do nothing to solve the problem.

The e-mail ends with phone numbers of all Columbus Councilors, and links to their biographies on the official city web site. If all the billboards in town haven't motivated Council members to go to unlisted phone numbers, maybe few people care enough to call and complain.

"IsOurCitySafe" won't like reading this - but Saturday night, I saw two of the "25 police officers on the street" in the same place - at a Columbus CHURCH service, in uniform! Maybe Satan worshipers are a bigger threat in Columbus than we realized.

And what will happen when those 18,000 newcomers arrive in Columbus, as Fort Benning adds extra units? Look on the bright side - the pool for recruiting retiring soldiers to the police force will go way up.

(So "several more thousand people" are going to call Columbus police? What does this writer know about these newcomers? Are they all a bunch of spouse-abusers or something?)

I don't know how Columbus Councilors "look at themselves in the mirror every morning," either - but at least Julius Hunter doesn't have to worry much about combing his hair.

Speaking of law enforcement - Instant Message to Ken Suddeth: Did I hear it right? You finally turned in your Marshal's car - but you didn't turn in the blue strobe lights for it?! What sort of parties are you staging at the V.F.W. Hall?

We have one more message today - the latest in an exchange with Michael in Phenix City. We seem to be talking past each other, about gigantic e-mail accounts. What I wrote Friday brought this message to "Dude...."

I wasn't bragging about gmail. I was OFFERING you a free account.

Gmail members are given x number of invites. I can send you an invite, which would allow you to open the account.

OK, so it wasn't brag, it was simply fact. Thank you for the offer, but Yahoo and I go WAY back - to my first Internet e-mail account, around 1996. This was back when "spam" referred to what someone put on a plate to rot, and recorded with a camera for all to see.

I didn't realize Gmail members could send "invitations" to have free accounts. Doesn't this sound a bit like Google is starting a cyber-country club?

It turns out I was "invited" to become part of Gmail months ago. The place where this blog is posted is part of the Google family, and Google wanted bloggers like me to try it out. But I usually post entries around bedtime, when I'm in no mood to explore such things. Maybe if Eva Longoria was promoting it....

COMING THIS WEEK: The next place in Columbus to offer Starbuck's coffee.... and you'll probably never guess where it is....

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