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7 APR 04: SURVEY SAYS....

Some friends of mine simply HAVE to watch the "Fast Money" round of Family Feud weekday mornings on TV -- even if they're supposed to be working. For some reason, I don't see the sex appeal of Richard Kahn at all....

Family Feud's answers usually are based on surveys of 100 people - and sometimes it feels like 100 different companies want to survey ME. In recent days my e-mail has had so many surveys waiting, I almost felt like I was holding back our country's technological progress.

With spring cleaning finally finished, I started catching up on these online surveys Monday afternoon. But right away, I got caught in one that "qualified" me to answer more questions - for up to 50 minutes. My high school geometry teacher didn't give pop quizzes which took this long....

The online survey was based on what I'd eaten in the last 24 hours, from Sunday to Monday afternoon. I've been asked questions like this before -- and they were SO detailed about what was on the snack table at church on a Saturday afternoon.

I noted on the survey I'd eaten four times in 24 hours - then it zeroed in on my very last eating time, Monday afternoon. It's a good thing it didn't focus on Sunday night. That was when I marked the Lord's Supper, with nothing but a matzo and wine.

The Monday afternoon snack became to this survey the "KEY SITUATION." Since when does eating snack crackers and nibbling on M&M's become a key situation? Maybe if I was a contestant on "Survivor," but otherwise....

The survey was mostly a psychological study of why I ate this snack, and how I felt before and after eating it. I marked "happy, relaxed" when the survey started - but the longer the questions went on, the more I wished I'd checked "anxious,
stressed."

This survey went over-the-top for me when it started asking about specific characteristics of foods, and whether I thought certain foods met those characteristics. For instance, is bacon "cheesy?" Is ready-to-eat popcorn "fruit-flavored?" I almost expected an IQ report to come out when it was over.

(The survey went through about 25 different characteristics of foods - enough to make me start to wish I ate through an I-V tube.)

But that wasn't all! The survey went on to show me five different generic pictures, and asked how I felt about eating as a result of seeing them. No, I do NOT feel more comfortable about my snacks after seeing a shadow of someone holding up a bicycle. [True!]

At least when it was over, the survey company asked me for my name and address. I'll be paid ten dollars for doing that silly poll. But I'll probably never see the results - so if you see cheese-flavored bacon at stores soon, you'll know I'm out of step.

One lengthy survey a day like this is enough for me. But after I went running, my phone rang at the stroke of 6:00 p.m. I missed the evening news for ANOTHER poll, this one about digital media systems. Sad to say, I do NOT have TiVo - and at that moment, I could have used it.

I was getting ready to head out of town for dinner -- but this survey stretched from ten minutes long to 22. What do I think of RealOne? Am I satisfied with Windows Media Player? Which one did I have first? Why didn't Microsoft warn me people would ask about this, when I bought my computer in the first place?

At least the phone survey allowed me to vent my frustration with Windows Media Player. I have version seven, and the current "version nine" which so many web sites require isn't available for my Windows 98 system. These are the times when I begin to understand those antitrust suits against Microsoft.

BLOG UPDATE: Dozens of public safety employees and their families took their demands for higher pay to Columbus Council Tuesday night. Some of them said they work two or three jobs to make ends meet - thus putting them in the same boat with almost all Council members.

Some public safety employees claimed Mayor Bob Poydasheff promised them a five-percent raise in an open Council meeting. The Mayor disagreed, saying a five-percent raise was what he'd LIKE to provide. At least we can check the notes on this - compared to similar disputes years ago, when we expected Mom and Dad to increase our allowances.

Councilor Nathan Suber had a testy moment with the leader of a public safety group - saying he wants ALL city employees to have a raise. If you'll kindly call all the Georgia state legislators this morning and demand a sales tax referendum, it just might happen....

COMING THIS WEEK: We visit one of the area's nicest restaurants.... and its dog....

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