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5 APR 04: A CLEAN SWEEP
Victory came around 12:30 this afternoon, in my annual spring cleaning. The vacuum cleaner bag went out the back door - along with several sponges and mops so old and shriveled that a nursing home wouldn't even take them.
Each year I allow about five weeks for spring cleaning. Yes, that long - because it's THAT detailed. After all, I'm a single guy, so this has to last for awhile....
Each room of my apartment offers its own unique spring cleaning challenge. For instance:
+ The bathtub in the bathroom still has a slow leak after all these years - so I simply use the water already there, to clean the stains the earlier water caused.
+ The bedroom features a queen-size waterbed, which gets a dusting. Yes, I still have a waterbed after all these years - so I'm just in time for the 1980's revival.
+ The computer room is where all my papers tend to pile up. I sort some into piles as best I can, and then "the wave" begins with the rest - and it winds up rolling all the way to the white paper bin at All-American Recycling. I think the business's guard dog chews it up from there.
+ The living room is where the OTHER papers pile up. It's also where Venetian blinds cover my front window. Again this year I succeeded in knocking the blinds crashing to the floor, as I cleaned them.
+ The kitchen is the focal point, the last item to be cleaned - and in great Hank Hill cartoon tradition, I DO take several minutes to de-crumb the toaster.
+ I even spent much of Friday cleaning my car, from driver's seat to trunk. Sadly, I did NOT any money on the floor under the seats this year.
One of my last spring cleaning acts was this morning's annual trip to E.J. Knight Scrap Material on 10th Avenue, with a bag full of aluminum cans. Make that a YEAR'S worth of aluminum cans - so as you see, I remove roaches as part of the process.
All those cans plus some stray tin pie plates resulted in a payoff of $2.50. Maybe next year I'll stop there AFTER breakfast - so I won't have to use a credit card at Ruth Ann's.
So may be asking why I go to all this fuss and trouble. Believe it or not, it's because the church I attend expects members to do it. We call it "de-leavening" our homes for the Biblical Days of Unleavened Bread, which begin tonight. It's one of the things which make us put Reform Jews to shame....
Our church service had a last-minute de-leavening surprise over the weekend. Our Pastor read some items from the "nutritional information" section of the Burger King web site, which revealed two new leavening agents most of us never knew about before. Why scientists come up with new ways to make baking powder, I'm not really sure.
One of those leavening agents is found in Burger King fries. It turned out back at home, frozen potato bags in my freezer had that agent as well. It's too bad I learned about this so late -- but I doubt even the Valley Rescue Mission residents could have eaten so many fries and tater tots quickly enough.
(For those who may be wondering: this surprise leavening agent is "disodium dihydrogen pyrophosphate." I'm tempted to call it D.D.P. for short -- but Columbus wrestling fans might think I'm talking about Diamond Dallas Page.)
Oh no! I just realized something as I'm posting this -- the lid for my tall kitchen trash can is gone! Apparently I dumped it in one of the big trash bags I took to the curb! Maybe I should call this "The Passion of the Clean."
Oh well: it is a true relief and joy to be able to write this blog for you, after finishing more than a month of cleaning. At least my apartment is presentable for visitors. You have approximately two weeks to make a reservation....
As the last bag of trash went to the curb this afternoon, the first of two public service opportunities came my way. Someone parked a few spaces from me needed a jump-start for his giant-sized Chrysler. For these people to ask for help from my smaller Honda - well, I hope they learn a lesson in humility from it.
The second opportunity came a little later, outside the main Columbus library. "Hey mister! Can I borrow a cigarette?" Yeah, sure - like you're going to give it back to me when you're through.
This beggar came to the wrong person. "Nope. I don't have one. I don't smoke." Am I a bad person for this? This man had a need, and I wasn't prepared to meet it.
I walked away realizing I treated this beggar differently than I would most. If a person asks for something to eat, I usually offer to buy something. But I make a difference between smoked barbecue and smoked lungs.
© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.