Need a musical lift? Check the "local artists" shelf at Mustard Seed in Columbus and buy my debut CD, "One God Many Moods." Or even easier, click here for music samples and details on online ordering. Hear full-length cuts by calling WMLF AM-1270 Monday-Friday mornings and requesting them. But while you're here, enjoy some humorous thoughts about my "home turf."

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2 FEB 04: EXPRESS YOURSELF

"Do you want to get in with us?" This offer came to me Sunday afternoon from local TV reporter Gretchen Bartelt and meteorologist Joshua McKinney. Before you point fingers - no, I was NOT at a Super Bowl party, gambling on who would score first.

"No, thanks, I'm in the express lane," I smiled in reply to their offer. I was standing in aisle 3 at the Kmart on Macon Road, holding a new pair of running shoes I was buying. What does it say when my jogging shoes lose their soles in less than a year, while I've failed to lose any pounds running in them?

But it was already apparent to me that the express lane wasn't moving very quickly. Two people ahead of me stood a woman with hair bushier than a "before" picture at MasterCuts - and she was taking her good sweet time paying for several bags of items. It's a lot like driving -- people with slow bodies should keep away from "fast lanes."

At one point, Mary the Kmart cashier counted out a big stack of one-dollar bills this woman in the express lane was using to buy her items. I've heard the hippie-era line, "Never trust anyone over 40" - but this customer apparently didn't trust any bill bigger than a ten.

(A stack of coins was on the counter, in addition to the dollar bills. I suppose this woman could have been down to her last bit of spare change. But outside the express lane, she never would have brought so much attention on herself.)

I knew it would happen and sure enough - Gretchen Bartelt and Joshua McKinney from aisle 7 wheeled past my aisle 3 with their items, before the bushy-haired woman was finished. I simply waved at them. "It wasn't very 'express,' huh?" Bartelt said to the entire lane. Some of us have learned to keep our mouths gracefully shut at moments like this.

At last the bushy-haired woman paid for her purchase - and while Mary the cashier said "I'm sorry," the customer did not. Maybe she was embarrassed by what had happened. Or maybe she was too overjoyed by how much her paltry savings could buy.

It happened the next woman in line could relate to what Mary was doing, because she's a cashier at a Piggly Wiggly store. From what I could hear, Mary said she counted all those one-dollar bills extra carefully in case the customer was trying to confuse her. And any business owner would tell you, too many bills can spoil the profits.

(Keep in mind, this happened at a Kmart - where they've very sensitive about ethical business, with Martha Stewart currently on trial.)

Once my new sneakers reached the checkstand, things went very quickly: $19.99 plus tax on my credit card. But I left Kmart with a new idea for express lane rules: maximum ten items - AND ten pieces of currency to pay for them.

BIG BLOG QUESTION: "The big question of the coming week - Barney or Cats?" I put this issue to the father of several young children after church this weekend. These two national productions come to Columbus this week, practically at the same time. Is it purple with hugs - or yellow with scratch marks?

"Not 'Cats,'" the dad answered. "Maybe 'Barney' with David," referring to his young son. I didn't ask if his decision is due to ticket prices, target age groups - or whether "I Love You, You Love Me" is easier to sing than "Memories."

This battle of stage shows has inspired me to post our blog's first poll - what we're calling THE BIG BLOG QUESTION!
Click here for our multimedia page, and vote for your choice: Barney or Cats. You can base your answer on whatever standard you wish - and in fact, I'd like you to leave a comment explaining your vote. It's certainly more fun than guessing whether or not Jimmy Lee Brooks is guilty of murder.

BIG PREDICTION UPDATE: So New England won Sunday night's Super Bowl on a last-second field goal, eh? My pick was wrong - but I still don't feel like I missed much. The ending was just like two years ago.

The Super Bowl(tm) came up in other places Sunday night, even though I tried to avoid it. During the taped Peaceful Baptist Church telecast on TV-16, the Pastor asked if worshippers had brought their husbands with them, "or were their minds on the Super Bowl today?" Does this church have a six-hour-long worship service or something?!

But we're moving on from the Super Bowl to other Sunday things....

+ Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff told the Ledger-Enquirer the city's pay situation is a "problem, not a crisis." How many T-SYS employees would like to hear him say that in a hallway over the next few days?

(Councilor Nathan Suber admitted to the newspaper he "hasn't listened to WRCG since Tuesday," when the big pay raises for Assistant City Managers were accepted. This admission may cost Mr. Suber any special favors from Davis Broadcasting.)

+ The Sunday Ledger-Enquirer had a ballot for its "Oscar Pickin' Contest" - without the final "g" in picking. Yes sir, that's the way to move Columbus forward to become a progressive Southern city....

+ Instant Message to the woman at the main library whose cell phone ring tone is "I'm a Barbie Girl": Do you REALLY want people to connect that song with you in public?

COMING THIS WEEK: The big billboard and the little church....

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.