The Blog of Columbus, Georgia

Sunday, February 15, 2004

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15 FEB 04: MAKE ME OVER

"How about some sweets for the sweetie?" the female cashier at a supermarket near Victory Drive asked me Friday afternoon.

"Now hold on a minute," I answered her. "We've barely met...."

If you were expecting a sweet Valentine's Day posting from me -- sorry, you came to the wrong blog. I haven't kept Valentine's for several years, for several reasons. For one thing, all those cards I passed around in grade school didn't get me
any dates.

It was hard to avoid Valentine's Day, of course. It was promoted all over TV and in stores large and small. In fact, at that supermarket off Victory Drive women rolled around carts with giant Valentine's helium balloons. I had to duck to dodge one - and avoid getting my DNA on it, in case the woman's "special someone" became suspicious.

I happened to lead songs at church this weekend. Since the church I attend declares Valentine's Day pagan and preaches against it, it was a challenge selecting hymns. I didn't dare choose anything with "love" in the lyrics - even though the Bible says that's what God is.

(Then I thought about choosing a series of songs about obedience -- but realized Jesus said those who love Him would obey His commands.)

So how did I spend the evening of Valentine's Day? As the only single person joining several married couples from church at that most romantic of local restaurants - Country's Barbecue in Main Street Village, interrupted three times by clapping attendants singing birthday songs.

For some reason, racial issues were on the minds of several men in this dinner group -- such as whether they'd let their children date someone in another race. I felt like saying I'd be happy to date someone in the HUMAN race.

(In fact, I finally told the group I'm growing so old I'm getting into carbon dating....)

Should I spill my innermost being out on you here, and explain why I'm still a never-married single man at age 45 1/2? Well, maybe I should - because if I don't, I'll die and people will start rumors that I was as homosexual as J. Edgar Hoover
allegedly was.

Here's a list of TRUE reasons why I'm still single, in no particular order of importance:

1. I'm now borderline obese, and need one of those "extreme makeovers" they show on TV. Just this past week, a button on my slacks popped off when I sneezed.

(And before that, a new dress shirt ripped irreconcilably as I was driving. I'd worn it only three times - and I now realize "fitted shirts" don't fit me.)

2. Back when I was fit enough to run in 10,000-meter runs such as Atlanta's Peachtree Road Race (I have five T-shirts to prove it), I couldn't tell people at church about it - because ministers told us to walk humbly.

3. I've attended church congregations in Columbus where there's no one to date in my age range -- and the ministers warn dating someone "outside the church" will corrupt you. By the way, their warnings are why I've never watched a full episode
of "The Simpsons."

4. The vast majority of women never have been romantically interested in me. During college, I went 0-for-9 inviting women to a scholarship hall Xmas dinner -- and I had a full head of hair then.

5. Perhaps relating to #4: Very few women have described me with words such as "handsome" or "attractive." When your own mother avoids such words, you know there's a problem.

6. Women I've met in workplaces only are interested in me as a friend -- or maybe, since I'm a journalist by trade, a "well-placed source."

7. The most enjoyable thing for me about Valentine's Day is February 15 - the day after, when Target sells Valentine's chocolate candy for half-price.

COMING THIS WEEK: A big anniversary downtown.... and what one telemarketer calls "good clean American fun...."

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