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17 FEB 04: TELEMARKETERS GONE WILD

It's no big deal anymore when a telemarketer calls during dinner. But the caller the other night had an offer which surprised me - videos with topless women. Just because I get my gasoline on Victory Drive doesn't mean I go to ALL the businesses there.

"I was wondering if you'd heard of the 'Girls Gone Wild' videos?" the man on the other end of the phone asked.

"Sadly, yes." Seldom do I have the privilege of putting a telemarketer on the defensive this quickly.

The caller tried his best to argue for the acceptability of "Girls Gone Wild" videos. "Nobody's getting in any trouble," he said - only to have to pause for a moment when I reminded him of several recent arrests of producers in Panama City Beach for videotaping minors.

"That's just the prosecutors - they've got to find someone to prosecute to show they're doing their jobs," the caller counterpunched. I've heard of quotas for police officers, but never for district attorneys.

The telemarketer suggested the girls who go wild on the videos do so willingly. "No one's forcing them to take their tops off." This man has a great future as an attorney for Kobe Bryant.

"You like sports, don't you?" the caller went on. "A lot of people think sports are stupid." Yes, but at least in sports you can learn quality lessons about character from losing something.

"But you don't see nude bodies at sports events," I replied. "Except maybe at Super Bowl halftime shows...."

When young women expose themselves on Girls Gone Wild tapes, the telemarketer finally argued, it's "good clean American fun." If it's so clean, you wonder why The Jerry Springer Show still covers it with pixilation.

After several minutes of discuss.... well no, of DEBATE.... the telemarketer still hadn't explained the reason why he'd interrupted my dinner. "You called me to debate the morality of 'Girls Gone Wild' videos for what reason?" I would have been happy at this point if it had been that TV show "Crank Yankers" pulling a stunt.

But apparently not - the man asked me if I wanted to buy "Girls Gone Wild" videos. As you might have guessed by now, I said no. Then I ended the conversation with something I probably should not have said. "God bless you, sir" - trying to emphasize GOD as forcefully as I could.

What are we coming to when telemarketers call you at home to sell X-rated (well, he maintained they're R-rated) videos? Is this what telephone sex hotlines do on a really slow night?

Now let's step out of the gutter, for a quick check of President's Day headlines:

+ A Georgia Bureau of Investigation agent revealed his office has reviewed "cop-cam" video of the shooting of Kenneth Walker. The agent only would say the tape was "helpful" - which I suppose means we now know it was a real Sheriff's patrol car.

+ Several local groups announced they're joining a lawsuit against the state of Alabama, for granting an environmental permit to Continental Carbon of Phenix City without proper notice of a hearing. One supporter of the suit declared: "We're not in Taiwan, we're in an American democracy...." So when did mainland China finally invade?

(The Columbus NAACP is part of the lawsuit over Continental Carbon. Maybe if that company spread white soot over the south side of town, things would be different.)

+ Columbus State beat Augusta State in college baseball - and WRBL showed a dog watching the game at Ragsdale Field. I've heard of the "dog days" of the baseball season before, but never in winter....

SPAM-A-RAMA: In this new feature, from time to time we'll share some of the unusual e-mail which hits our in-box. This
REAL message arrived Monday:

Dear Friend! After some years we again have returned. We offer the unique offer. Such yet was not. Our new resource. It is very big and various portal. All categories for adults. All your imaginations. More than 100 places.

Attention. All this free-of-charge. It not a deceit! See Now!

You have received it because are our user. If it not so, we shall rem0ve your data.

The author of "the unique offer" had a Russian-sounding name, and a home address of "Britney Club." But I think even Britney Spears can write English sentences better than this -- not to mention Snoop Dogg.

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