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6 FEB 04: RED ALERT

Sometimes I have to think about humorous items for this blog. But sometimes the humor breaks out right in front of me. That's what happened the other afternoon as I stood in line at the Phenix City post office -- as an older gentleman decided to speak his mind.

"You're looking pretty today," he began (or words to that effect). "Looking really red!" These words puzzled me, because I didn't notice anyone wearing a University of Alabama outfit.

"I may have to take some heart medicine, because you're looking so good!" Now it became cleat - the older gentleman was talking to at least one of the post office's female counter workers. A wife for this man was nowhere to be found.

"You're making me hungry, with all that red!" The gentleman was referring to the counter worker's lipstick. People who weren't giggling in line before were giggling now. I was trying NOT to laugh - presuming the man's senility medicine might be wearing off.

"Just because you wore it to work doesn't mind you have to take it home with you!" Is this one of those people who kept the Super Bowl halftime show on TiVo, and played it over and over?

Not wanting to stop a stand-up comic on a roll, I turned to someone else in line at this point and quietly said, "In some offices, this man would have been fired by now."

But the older gentleman wasn't through. He bought some stamps while he was buttering up the counter workers - yet as he started to step away, he couldn't find them. After a moment, he did. They were in his shirt pocket -- the first gag that seemed unintentional.

The gentleman bid the post office staff a good afternoon, and slowly scooted away. Most of the people in line said goodbye to him as well, even though I doubt anyone there knew him. If a show business agent had been there, this man might have performed Thursday night on "Comedy Night at The Loft."

When I reached the Phenix City post office counter, the woman who helped me didn't know the older gentleman's name. But she said he's a regular customer, and talks this way all the time. The only way he avoids the old-fashioned title "Dirty Old Man" is by keeping his hands to himself.

BLOG UPDATE: Dozens of police officers showed up at the Trade Center Thursday for a job fair. But to our surprise, they were NOT there to keep unruly former T-SYS workers under control....

At least 50 Columbus police officers visited the job fair to fill out applications and hand over their resumes. It could have been a historic moment in city history - but the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition didn't have a booth set up for them.

Seven different law enforcement agencies had booths set up, taking applications from Columbus-area police officers. Who knows how crowded the Trade Center would have been, if fire departments had been hiring as well.

(But hold on a second - LaGrange and Macon Police had booths at this job fair. If LaGrange can pay more than Columbus, it proves only one thing: they don't have a property tax freeze.)

A spokesman with the Police Benevolent Association said Columbus has become the most heavily-recruited city in Georgia for law officers. Now we're having second thoughts about welcoming the "Georgia Police and Fire Games" to town....

One TV station showed statistics putting the average starting salary for a Columbus police officer at $25,000. Starting pay is about $3,000 higher in Atlanta -- but keep one important thing in mind. After long daily commutes from safer suburbs such as Douglas County, the net income there probably is lower.

Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff said police officers should focus on serving the community, instead of possible pay raises. Drivers who like to break the speed limit on J.R. Allen Parkway probably have a different opinion....

As it happened, a Muscogee County Marshal's car passed me Thursday afternoon with the words "pursuit of excellence" on it. What slogan belongs on the Columbus Police cars - maybe "pursuit of low-life crooks?"

As it also happened, I stumbled upon an online "salary wizard" this week - one which lets you figure the pay for all sorts of jobs, in all sorts of metropolitan areas. In Columbus, the "median expected salary" of a police patrol officer is $38,645. For that much money, they could eat far better than fast food on their shifts.

The "salary wizard" offers some eyebrow-raising "median expected salaries" for other Columbus jobs:

+ Firefighter: $32,231. But remember the perks you get with this job - like free car washes.

+ Government speech writer: $53,875. Is THAT the extra duty the assistant city managers are doing?

+ Broadcast or print entry-level reporter: $24,298. My friends at church will be disappointed to know I did NOT find a salary for news anchors.

+ TV Producer.... well, I'd rather not post that one. I'll save that for the meeting about a raise....

Here's what else we learned Thursday, while waiting for promised rain which never came:

+ Spanish-language programming finally returned to TV-16 - only it was a talk show from Atlanta, with a panel of lawyers discussing worker's compensation. If no one's singing salsa music or playing in a mariachi band, I'm out.

+ Columbus State University suspended the Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity, after a member reportedly threw a beer bottle at someone. I was NOT in a college fraternity, but this is just like I heard about them years ago. You can't spell "turkey" without T-K-E.

+ Georgia State School Superintendent Kathy Cox reversed her position about changing the word "evolution" in textbooks to "biological change over time." So does that reversal qualify as a biological change - or evidence of a working mind from a creator?

+ Troup County middle school teacher Tom Mills announced he's running for Congress as a Republican. Somehow, this doesn't seem right. Republicans believe in "leave no child behind" - and this man may leave dozens of them.

+ The Knology "how's my driving" hotline never returned my message, about Wednesday's two fast-moving vans in Phenix City. The announcer on the hotline promised to return my call within four hours. So there's the problem in a nutshell - the drivers are faster than the supervisors.

+ Instant Message to The Nursery at Ty Ty: Could you send copies of your muscadine commercial to the Massachusetts Supreme Court? You know, the one where only male and female muscadines can reproduce and be happy....

COMING THIS WEEKEND: Someone threw money out the window.... and left it just for me....

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.