BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet months ago, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. (Well, other than a 15-year-old high school student, and who knows how much he pays attention to the news?) So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.Com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views
are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

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20 AUG 03: LAW AND ORDER Z-Z-Z

After your Tuesday blog was posted, I walked up the street to the Government Center - and counted at least three cats sprawled on the First Avenue sidewalk, one of them stretching on its back. After working all night, it was so tempting to get down there and join it.

But no, I had to plod on. The District Attorney's office had subpoenaed me to appear in an aggravated assault case, and I had to do my civic duty. Admittedly, I didn't want to do too much of a civic duty - so I didn't drive my Honda Civic to the Government Center, and risk a parking ticket.

I had only a vague idea about what this aggravated assault case involved. Defendant Derrick McKenzie wasn't a familiar name, from work or church. In fact, I mistakenly thought McKenzie had issued the subpoenas to my entire apartment complex - so he could stand up in court and curse us all out together.

This was my first trip to the courtroom section of the Government Center, and it wasn't quite what I expected. For one thing, the seventh-floor courtroom of Judge John Allen has theater-style seats for spectators. So when will he take the next step - by adding cup holders, and allowing drinks?

You may be disappointed to learn Judge John Allen's courtroom still does not have an updated Georgia state flag. It still has the 2001 "six flags over Georgia" design - the one that will be an e-Bay collectible by the end of the decade.

While we were in Judge John Allen's courtroom, Judge Douglas Pullen presided over Tuesday's docket. He was confused for a moment, as to whether he had a "back-up judge" for some cases. A back-up judge?! Judge Judy never seems to worry about this....

The docket on Tuesday had 12 cases - and wouldn't you know, Derrick McKenzie was number-eight on the list. I knew I should have guzzled down one more can of caffeinated diet cola before going up the elevator.

Several of the 12 cases quickly were settled with guilty pleas. Suspects were brought into court in the others - suspects Judge Doug Pullen called with a Southern accent "defend-ANTS." Does he really consider them THAT low a life form?

Timothy Riley was first before the judge. In a plea bargain, he admitted guilt to three of five burglary counts from 2000. The cases were traced to Riley only after he left prison on different charges last year. Not only does the law have a "long arm," it can have a long memory.

The prosecutor pointed out this was Timothy Riley's SIXTH conviction on burglary charges. Yet the state accepted a plea bargain, which will put him in prison for only seven years of a 20-year sentence. Maybe if they built more prisons in neighborhoods where well-paid lawyers live, this might change.

Timothy Riley's burglaries involved stealing self-propelled lawn mowers, then pawning them for money. So we can't really call him a "pusher" - since he didn't push the mowers on lawns to make a living.

The next burglary case was a bit stranger. Steven Welsh pleaded guilty to stealing a DVD player and $300 from a mobile home - yet he told the court he was high on drugs when he confessed the crime to police detectives. He had the right to remain silent, but he lacked a right mind to shut up.

Steven Welsh will serve 15 years for burglary - but perhaps he learned a different lesson. As he said in court, "Once you confess, it's too late." Welllll - maybe for Catholic priests, but not for the worshipers at large.

A prosecutor claimed Steven Welsh "took off like a jackrabbit" when police showed up to investigate the DVD theft -- but Welsh learned "you couldn't outrun the radio." Liberal critics of Rush Limbaugh have learned this lesson the hard way.

After those two cases, Judge Pullen took a 15-minute recess - and prosecutor Roger Anderson asked all the witnesses in the Derrick McKenzie case to go out into the hallway for a minute. There was one other man, besides myself. Where was everyone else in my apartment complex -- helping the defendant look for the real attacker?

Roger Anderson confirmed what I thought this case was: an attack in an apartment near mine last summer. Derrick McKenzie stands accused of wounding a resident. But that resident was in surgery Tuesday, because Anderson said "his blood sugar was up." That meant no trial, no testimony - and for me, no reason to stay up two extra hours.

Prosecutor Roger Anderson admitted one problem with the trial schedule is that "so many judges are filling in for other judges." Whom do we blame for this problem in August? Congress? President Bush? The TV networks, with so many reruns?

We found out Tuesday night the ailing resident is NOT out of the hospital, so the trial will be postponed until September -- and without me. As Roger Anderson said before I even explained my side of the story, "You don't know what happened there!" It sounded like a semi-polite way of saying I'm a double idiot - one for not knowing the facts, two for answering the subpoena.

My services no longer needed for the day, I took the elevator down to the Government Center's ground level to walk home. The time was 10:15 a.m. The Center's cafeteria ended breakfast service at 10:00, and didn't start lunch service until 11:00. Once more I was "standing in the gap," and it didn't feel good.

LAUGHLINE FLASHBACK: We first wrote about the apartment complex shooting when it happened a year ago. Here's some of what appeared in the LaughLine issue of 16 Aug 02:

The complex housing LaughLine World Headquarters was the scene of a shooting Thursday night. We never knew there was a problem until an ambulance backed up across the courtyard, to the door where it happened. To revise an old phrase: red lights at night - sometimes a fright....

A man walked into the ambulance, holding what looked like a breathing device to his mouth. We presumed it was simply a medical emergency -- but minutes later, a police detective knocked on our door and asked if we'd seen or heard anything. Trouble was, the last unusual thing we'd seen was a TV clip of "The Anna Nicole Show."

(The injured man was what police politely would call "heavy-set." His waist was big enough to make you wonder why Japan is the only country with sumo wrestling tournaments.)

We informed the police detective we'd seen nothing, but DID recall hearing a couple of pops earlier in the evening. We figured the noise might have been fireworks -- because our neighborhood is much too lowbrow to be opening champagne bottles.

Police later told a local TV station the man may have been shot during a "home invasion." If so, this may be the quietest invasion ever. We heard no screaming, no banging on the door - why, they were more polite than our next-door neighbor needing a loan until payday.