BURKARD'S BLOG

I searched on the Internet months ago, and found no one keeping a blog about events in Columbus, Georgia. So being the hip web-savvy guy that I am, I decided to start a blog of my own - chronicling happenings in the town I've called home for some six years, as well as my experiences in it.

But be warned.... I used to have a humor service called LaughLine.Com, so my views may be a bit amusing. And the views are my own; no one has paid me to present theirs. Pressured, yes - but paid, no.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

17 AUG 03: AN ADVENTIST ADVENTURE

The church I usually attend cancelled services this weekend, for an unusual reason. The lodge where we meet was having its parking lot paved. So don't blame my pastor - it's not his as-fault.

We could have rented another place for the weekend, but the pastor was on vacation for the week. He suggested we all keep "a quiet Sabbath at home," not even mentioning you could worship at other denominations. They do something or other wrong, after all - so they're sinners.

Call me a rebel if you wish, but I decided to worship with another congregation. I visited "Columbus First Seventh-Day Adventist Church." Before you ask, I checked the phone book -- and there is NOT a "Seventh First-Day Adventist Church."

This SDA Church is the one that put up a fight with Walgreen's and City Hall a couple of years ago, over its old property on Macon Road. The drug store chain won - and sadly, doesn't even rest there on Sundays now.

For about the last year, Columbus First SDA has been sharing the building of St. John United Methodist Church at Moon and Weems Roads. I could tell right away it's a tenuous relationship - because the Adventists hide the United Methodist hymnals, and use their own.

The Adventist bulletin said "church at study" would begin at 9:20 a.m. -- but it really started around 9:30, and with only about 15 people in the sanctuary. Many people in this church take the phrase "Sabbath rest" seriously.

We sang a few songs without a pianist, then heard a deacon's wife read a chapter from a book by a deceased SDA Pastor. This church is NOT high-tech enough, though, to let us rate the book one-to-four stars on the spot.

Then it was time to divide into groups for "Sabbath School" - and I was in the "Enquirer's Class" for adults. How disappointed I was when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez's names never came up.

I quickly stood out in the Enquirer's Class, because I tried out a line from a song I wrote the evening before about the power blackout (see lyrics below). The Local Elder conducting the class was unimpressed by my comment that the power stayed on around the Ten Commandments monument in Montgomery. He apparently doesn't think there's much fun in "fundamentalism."

(DISCLAIMER: We're getting into religion for the next few jokes here. If that offends you, scroll down about three sentences for the "secular" jokes to resume.)

Our topic in Enquirer's Class happened to be the covenants of the Bible - and the Local Elder admitted: "I have a problem with those commandments down at the courthouse." From the way things unfolded, he apparently prefers to see a picture of
Adventist founder Ellen G. White there.

One member of this Sabbath School class said the law should be in our hearts today, not on tables of stone. Another dismissed the monument in Montgomery as showing a "Catholic theology" version of the Ten Commandments, instead of what's in Exodus 20. So what were all the Protestants doing there, holding a demonstration FOR it?

After a good Bible-based discussion that went over time, we moved back into the sanctuary for the main worship service with about 100 people. But I knew I was in for trouble when I saw the closing song in the bulletin: "When We All Get to Heaven." The Adventists apparently never have noticed John 3:13 in the Bible - which says no man's ascended up there but Jesus.

The service included a children's story, based on giving a dog a bath. For a minute, I thought the teacher was going to offer a new approach to water baptism.

When the children's story ends, the youngsters wander around the sanctuary collecting a "lamb's offering" from worshipers in little baskets. This is a clever idea - to make sure nobody throws change in the main offering plate instead.

When the sermon finally came, it was an absolute strikeout. I kept score, and the Pastor quoted Adventist founder Ellen G. White 13 times compared with three times for the Bible. The last time I heard a minister quote another book so much in a sermon, he wound up declaring himself an end-time prophet.

The big issue for Columbus First SDA at the moment is finalizing a deal to build a new church of its own. A decision could come in the next ten days -- and I've obtained data indicating the project could cost $1.5 million. I assume this group will NOT sing the song, "That Old Country Church" anymore.

I spotted a fairly attractive woman in the Enquirer's Class with NO ring on her finger - then noticed during the service she sat with two children and no husband. But no, I did NOT introduce myself to her. You have to understand the Adventists usually don't wear jewelry -- and a couple married 39 years didn't even have on wedding rings.

It had been three years since I worshiped with the Adventists - and that was a "protest week." I stayed away from my usual congregation on purpose, after our pastor openly urged everyone to pray for George W. Bush to win the 2000 Presidential election. He never explained how the "burning bush" in Exodus proved this....

Only one member of First SDA Church remembered me from the fall of 2000 - a female song leader who noticed my voice. I told her about the CD I just recorded, and she invited to come sing "special music" some weekend. If I do this, I'll go to a twilight "vespers" service - so I won't get in trouble selling albums after sunset.

SONG OF THE DAY: It was interesting to hear people in Baghdad rejoice at the U.S.-Canadian power outage, calling it punishment from God. Methinks some U.S. religious folks might agree - and so came this song (melody available on request):

The lights stayed on in Montgomery, Alabama.

Around that monument in Alabama.

The lights stayed on in Montgomery, Alabama,

But they went off in New York!

God loves Roy Moore and the Ten Commandments.

That Chief Justice who posted the Commandments.

God loves Roy Moore and the Ten Commandments,

While Ontario's judges are jerks.

If you follow the laws of God,

A light to the world you'll be.

But if you disobey what God says,

You'll be in darkness eventually.

So God kept the lights on, down in Alabama.

Around that monument in Alabama.

God kept the lights on in Montgomery, AlabamAAAA....

Let the Northeastern liberals whine and cry.

Camping out one night doesn't mean you're gonna die.

You'll see God caused the blackout by and by

To let Judge Roy's light shine Moore.

Oh, what's that you're saying about my new song? You say the lights stayed on in Washington - where the U.S. Supreme Court made the sodomy ruling? You say they stayed on St. Louis and Tennessee, the areas Democrats Richard Gephardt and Al Gore call home? Now, PLEASE don't confuse me with facts like that. I want fundamentalists to eat this song up....

To comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.