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5 SEP 04: A MESSAGE TO MICHAEL

We'll get to the two big local stories of the weekend - but hopefully you'll understand if I put my family first. Today marks a milestone for Mike, my older brother. He's turning 55! Now that he's reached the speed limit, I hope he'll be careful not to drive above it.

Mike is nine years older than I am, so he was the first in our family to do a lot of things. The first to be married, to graduate from college, to become a father and a grandfather - hey, wait a minute! I've never checked to see if he has his own blog....

Mike always had the edge when we were young, when it came to family competitions. He knew how to win at Monopoly (he HAD to have the race car token). He often humbled me at tennis. And in softball - well, I still have trouble hitting slow-pitch out of the infield today.

Mike was a teenager when the Beatles hit it big, and he collected as many albums as he could. He even had an electric guitar - but sadly, they didn't invent "Nashville Star" for another 40 years.

I always bring up my brother when people try to put down chemistry as a college major. After all, Mike has a bachelor's degree in chemistry from Kansas -- and even some graduate hours. I'm sure the knowledge has come in handy, during his
years driving trucks.

I wanted to surprise my brother by driving to Kansas City for his 55^th birthday, much as I went there when he turned 50. But sadly, my schedule is so busy this year that I couldn't make the trip. Besides, he'd probably sucker me into moving around heavy church furniture with him again.

SPAM-A-RAMA: As my brother's 55^th birthday approached this past week, a curious e-mail arrived in the InBox - with a name on it matching my older brother:

Dear Burkard,

I am Barrister Marcel Upaa , I am the Personal Attorney to Engr.Michael Burkard national of Your country, who used to work with shell development Company in Nigeria.

On the 21st of April 2002, my client, his wife and Their three children were involved in a car accident Along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road. Unfortunately they All Lost their liv es in the event of the accident, since Then I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to Locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his Relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of His family but of no avail, hence I contacted you.

Did my brother somehow have a mysterious twin, which I never heard about? And if so, why didn't we at least get a Shell gas discount from this man?

This "barrister" goes on to write the Burkard family had a $10 million Nigerian bank account, which is being offered to ME if I agree to be "next of kin." No wait - he adds I'd only get 30 percent of this, while he gets 60 percent. And you wonder why more people haven't sued Continental Carbon....

This curious offer had me wondering for a few days -- until when another spam message came this weekend. Now a FRANK Burkard's bank account is offered to me, after his entire family died in an African plane crash several years ago. I'm glad I never took up a former roommate's offer to visit his homeland of Nigeria. We might never have returned.

.BLOG UPDATE: The first sign of a big event in Columbus came Saturday afternoon, as I drove north to Ninth Street. All parking spaces were blocked from Veterans Parkway west to the river. Either the Vice President was coming to town, or I missed the first "Welcome Hurricane Victims" parade.

The five blocks of closed parking spaces was part of the city's security plan for a visit by Vice President Cheney to the Trade Center. You never know when some terrorist will buy fireworks in Russell County, and try to turn them into a roadside bomb.

I've been in Columbus long enough to know Ninth Street is usually a quite empty street on Saturday afternoons - so those closed parking spaces on the street were no big deal. There are times when it pays to have a downtown zone that's still
quite dead.

Vice President Cheney and his wife arrived at Columbus Metropolitan Airport around 6:00 Saturday night. But if his goal was to make an impact on the evening local news, he failed. Many people forgot it was the first weekend of college football, and the Wake Forest-Clemson game didn't finish until after 7:00.

Did you see the Vice President walk down the stairs from Air Force Two in a tuxedo? If you didn't know better, you might have thought he actually was going to a million-dollar fundraiser....

One incident occurred while Vice President Cheney was at the airport. Columbus Police say a 13-year-old tried to climb a security fence, and get on the tarmac. These School of the Americas protesters get younger all the time.

Assistant Police Chief Rick Boren indicated to WXTX "News at Ten" the 13-year-old was NOT arrested for climbing the airport fence. In fact, he might wind up in future commercials -- as the most enthusiastic visitor to the Columbus Airport in
years.

Hundreds of people lined up along Airport Thruway, hoping to get at least a glimpse of the Vice President as he traveled downtown. Many of them had to be surprised, as Dick and Lynne Cheney went by in a limousine - and NOT a Rob Doll
Nissan.

When the procession reached the Trade Center, the Vice President and his wife spent about an hour at the Third Ranger Battalion Ball. News reporters were NOT allowed inside the dance. What sort of precedent could this set next January - a
classified inaugural ball?!

(Which reminds me: if Laura Bush is "first lady," should we call Lynne Cheney the "second lady?" In this day of politicians cheating on their spouses, it doesn't sound quite right....)

People who attended the ball say Vice President Cheney gave a 15-minute inspirational speech, which ended with everyone giving him a standing ovation. Perhaps he encouraged the soldiers to get each other's names -- in case one of them decides to run for President in 30 years and brags about winning a Purple Heart in Iraq.

We're told Vice President Cheney was presented a polo shirt with the Third Ranger Battalion logo on it. If only his heart allowed him to play a sport like polo anymore....

It happened my Saturday evening running course was scheduled to go down the Riverwalk past the Trade Center. I started the run wondering if Secret Service agents would block my path. And I was a bit concerned, because the other direction found Golden Park holding both a fireworks show AND "dog night."

Along the Riverwalk at about Fifth Street I saw headlights in the distance. "I knew it," I said to myself. They're probably blocking off the Trade Center section for security reasons - though for some reason, Fort Benning hasn't put a checkpoint on its section of the Riverwalk.

Jogging north at Sixth Street, I passed a man sitting on a bench with a bicycle next to him. "I assume it's blocked off up ahead?" I asked.

"What?!?!" the man replied. Maybe he pedalled all the way here from Florida, to escape the hurricane.

Another block down, the reason for the headlights became clear. Two Columbus police scooters passed me heading south -- only they were clearing the path for a tow truck, hauling a third scooter which apparently broke down. I'll say one thing
for them: the truck put more light on that section of the Riverwalk than it's had in a couple of years.

It was about 8:20 p.m. when I reached the Trade Center - and without my knowing it, Vice President Cheney already had left. I faced no police blockade at all. There wasn't even one from twin couples holding hands in the twilight - what I call a "quadruped."

Air Force Two flew out of Columbus as night fell, passing over the Hardaway High football game at Kinnett Stadium. Vice President Cheney should have stayed in town for awhile -- as this game was probably a preview of the November election. Hardaway beat Upson-Lee 2-0.

So why didn't Vice President Cheney spend the night in Columbus? I now can reveal the Sheraton Hotel on Sidney Simons was the one which received the Secret Service security check a few days ago. Maybe the management will learn a lesson from this, and add Fox News Channel to its TV system.

Do you remember the last visit by a Vice President to Columbus? It was 1998, and Al Gore went to Columbus State University to examine the I-CAPP program. Some people will be surprised to learn he did NOT claim to invent it.

The Al Gore trip six years ago used Fort Benning's Lawson Army Airfield as the landing spot for Air Force Two. Dick Cheney's flight used the Columbus Airport. Those old stereotypes keep coming back, don't they? Democrats support more government involvement, while Republicans oppose it.

As the Vice President made his quick trip to Columbus, some visitors from Florida spent the night in hotels and shelters. Hurricane Frances finally came ashore, thankfully weakening a bit before it did. But incredibly, it moved in slower than some 80-year-old Florida drivers....

The Columbus Civic Center was set up as a "hurricane evacuation relief center" -- but when I checked it around 8:45 Saturday night, the parking lot was empty and the doors were locked. Apparently you're only expected to show up with only the clothes on your back during bankers' hours.

Then again, maybe all the evacuees from Florida were staying at Port Columbus. A small yard sign on the main driveway directed people toward the Civil War Naval Center. Damaged warships are a wonderful way to prepare you for the damage
awaiting back home.

Of course, our area is doing all it can to accommodate people fleeing the hurricane. How brilliant of Fort Benning to prepare for this storm weeks ago - by banning soldiers from several Victory Drive motels.

The Motel 6 and Days Inn on Victory Drive didn't look that filled with cars when I drove by them Saturday night. Come to think of it, we didn't have any evacuees at the church I attend earlier in the day. These Florida faithful probably have their "prayer closets" reinforced with concrete.

So where is Columbus Mayor Bob Poydasheff, while a top Republican visits town and the city prepares for possible remnants from a hurricane? I'm told he and his wife are out of the country, on a trip marking their 50^th wedding anniversary. We wish them well - but we'd feel a bit more comfortable if the mayor turned on his cell phone once in awhile.

It's been a late night with much to discuss, so it's time to wrap up the party with these short things:

+ A cold storage warehouse in Americus caught fire and burned for two days. In the process, a record may have been set -- as millions of pounds of peanuts stored in the warehouse became "fresh roasted."

(Americus schools were closed at 12:00 noon Friday. Officials said it was due to smoke from the warehouse fire. I can't help wondering of the smell of those burning peanuts simply made all the students hungry.)

+ Auburn opened its college football season by shutting out Louisiana-Monroe 31-0. That's quite a change from the last two season openers, which were losses to Southern California. The only "S-C" Coach Tommy Tuberville wants to see for awhile is South Carolina - or maybe Sumter County.

+ The Columbus Catfish "dog night" promotion was postponed a day, because of "unplayable field conditions" Friday. You don't think that was because they tested the promotion with a bunch of pit bulls on the field....?!

+ Instant Message to Clear Channel Radio: Who hacked inside the WHAL-AM music computer of "gospel music" and added "Thunder Island" by Jay Ferguson? You know, the song with the line "My lady/ In the sun with your dress undone"? Some of us WERE paying attention....

COMING MONDAY: Don't delete this spam; you might miss something funny....

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