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13 SEP 04: UNDER THE GUN
"FINAL NOTICE" warned the outside of the envelope which landed in my mailbox over the weekend. It was a letter from the National Rifle Association - so I was a bit worried. If I didn't respond the right way, this group might send gun-toting lobbyists to my apartment.
The "final notice" warning was puzzling, because I didn't recall getting a FIRST notice from the National Rifle Association. But then again, isn't this how you might expect a pro-gun group to act? Shoot first, and take questions later....
I finally opened the N.R.A. envelope Sunday night, and found a letter inside from Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. He warns: "unless you act now, your Second Amendment rights are certain to be dismantled and destroyed by anti-gun politicians." Is that why the ban on 19 types of assault weapons is expiring tonight?
"Little-by-little they are stripping us of our Constitutional freedoms," the N.R.A. letter warns. Huh?! There's not only the expiring ban on semiautomatic assault weapons, but more cities and states are allowing you to carry concealed weapons. Can the government really ban what it can't see?
"The gun ban lobby is critically using tragedies.... as political springboards," Wayne LaPierre writes. Of course, the National Rifle Association is cynically using a surplus of deer to seek more hunters....
He adds the anti-gun groups "are attempting to pass laws which harass and isolate law-abiding gun owners" - such as higher gun and ammunition taxes. Now this is a revelation! I never considered the proposed one-cent Columbus sales tax harassment before.
The National Rifle Association warns if anti-gun legislation passes, "you and I will be the last generation of gun owners...." We will?! Does this mean all police officers will be armed with billy clubs and tasers?
(By the way, why isn't the N.R.A. outraged at the N.F.L.? Pro football games never end with a "final gun" anymore.)
As you may have guessed by now, Wayne LaPierre's letter really is a sales pitch. He wants me to join the National Rifle Association for at least one year. But there's one small problem with this - don't you have to OWN a gun first? I don't....
While several members of the church I attend own guns and delight in using and collecting them, I've never owned one and have no interest in them. If the deer population grows too big, I'll try to help out by hitting one with my car.
True confession: my late father owned a couple of guns. But I never knew he owned a handgun until we were in a car wreck one Saturday afternoon in Hutchinson, Kansas - and we had to wrap the gun under the front seat in a pillow, so we didn't get in trouble with police.
So why don't I own a gun? I simply never have seen a need for one. I lock my doors and windows and pray before I head on a road trip - figuring at least "One" of those protective measures won't let me down.
I'm sorry, Mr. LaPierre, but I won't be joining the National Rifle Association this time. That means I won't be a subscriber to your magazine "America's 1st Freedom" - especially since the Bill of Rights mentions freedom of speech and the press BEFORE gun ownership.
(That reminds me: does the N.R.A. support the creation of state militias? "A well-regulated militia" is the context of that second amendment it loves so much....)
It also means I won't receive the extra incentive of an "NRA Shooter's Cap." The letter says people who wear it "are recognized around the world as defenders of the U.S. Constitution...." And I thought you needed to wear an Army uniform
to be recognized this way.
No, I will not be taken in by the right-wing scare tactics of groups such as the National Rifle Association. And no, I won't be taken in by the left-wing scare tactics of other groups, either. The only time it pays to drive from one side of the road to the other is in a miniature car, in a parade.
BLOG UPDATE: For the record, the big flag outside the Columbus Civic Center WAS at half-staff Sunday - for awhile, at least. It was halfway up at 2:15 p.m., but all the way up at 4:30. Maybe the managers weer making up for what they missed Saturday.
Now other noteworthy news from Grandparents' Day: (Uh-oh, did you forget YOURS?)
+ Columbus Police announced five arrests, in the theft of nine vehicles from Extreme Motorsports near the J.R. Allen Parkway. So you criminals don't get confused: a "poker run" does NOT mean you steal a motorcycle, and take it to your
late-night poker game.
+ A Unitarian Universalist church in Camp Hill, Alabama fired its pastor, after members learned he was supposed to be registered as a convicted sex offender. I thought these people were supposed to practice tolerance in cases like this....
+ McClung Memorial Stadium hosted its first high school "Battle of the Bands." So many people marched at this event that S.O.A. Watch might be challenged to meet there in November and match it.
(Instant Message to WRBL's Chris Sweigart: Please don't tell me the Battle of the Bands had "hundreds of fans packing the stands" -- especially when you're standing in front of noticeably empty bleachers.)
+ The Atlanta Falcons edged San Francisco in the season opener 21-19 - and fans held their breath every time Michael Vick was sacked. Former Columbus sportscaster Erik Stone used to call Chris Chandler "crystal chandelier." Now people
are treating Vick like he's gold-plated to boot.
+ A man from Americus was one of 200 finalists in the Pepsi "Play for a Billion" contest, but failed to win. Could you imagine a billionaire living in Americus -- and all the Habitat for Humanity homeowners knocking on his door, asking for loans?
COMING TUESDAY: Speaking of "left-wing scare tactics" .... a special "LaughLine flashback" edition about a big-name visitor to Columbus....
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