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25 SEP 04: NO CAN DO
She wore a white scarf over her head, and "ALABAMA" on her orange T-shirt. As I walked toward my car outside the downtown Taco Bell tonight, our conversation went something like this:
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Yes." The new season for beggars begins.
"Do you have two dollars? I'm out of gas. I've got a gas can around the corner...."
This is the Taco Bell-Spectrum combination store at 14th and Veterans Parkway. "There's a gas pump right here. I can use my credit card...."
"Can't you just give me two dollars?"
"Well, go get your gas can, and we'll go to the pump and fill it up."
"But it's not here."
"I know. You said it's around the corner."
"But I'm waiting on my sister-in-law's brother [or somebody like that] to pick me up."
"Well, when he shows up, maybe he'll have the two dollars."
"But he DOESN'T have the money, you see."
"Oh. Well, how long will it be before he shows up?"
"I don't know."
"Well, I can wait until he comes."
"I don't want you to do that. Just give me the two dollars."
"And I'm saying we can fill your gas can at the pump now."
"But I'd have to go get it."
"Yes. You said it's just around the corner."
"But I don't want to do it until he comes."
"Then I can wait until he shows up."
"Just forget it. I'd don't need it."
"But if you don't need it...."
"Have a blessed night, sir."
"....Then why did you ask me for two dollars?"
"Never mind, sir! I said: have a blessed night!"
I stared at the woman in frustration for about five seconds. Then I walked on to my car, saying nothing. For the second time in 36 hours, my attempts to please a woman were rejected coldly - and neither of them had anything to do with a date, much less sex.
(For reasons we cannot discuss here, we will NOT get into details of the first incident. Let's just say this: some people seem to prefer objecting to things that are wrong, then have you make them happy by adjusting things to be right.)
Regular blog readers know I seem to attract beggars like Wal-Mart attracts lawsuits. So why did this two-dollar request end in a two-minute stalemate? Let's analyze the conversation:
1. To my knowledge, I'd never met this woman before. If I simply give her two dollars and walk away, her "gas can" might turn out to be a thermos jug to hold beer from Spectrum.
2. I've heard the "secret gas can" line before. It happened eight years ago at an Exxon station on University Avenue in Atlanta. The man at that case wouldn't even tell me where his gas can was. You never know when you'll come across an undercover C.I.A. agent.
(That gas trip was bizarre, as it seemed half the customers were on a happy hour from the asylum. Another man backed off in far when I merely waved hello to him.)
3. Beggars tend to see only one solution to their problem - and if your solution isn't exactly the one they want, it cannot possibly be done. So it's a lot like national energy policy....
4. Most beggars don't want anyone waiting around with them to get their need met. It's as if they're afraid they'll forget their story, and you'll catch them.
5. The scene of this discussion was walking distance from the House of Mercy - and beggars tend to show up in this corner of town. Yet somehow they don't seem to gather outside Columbus Water Works, asking for help paying their bills.
6. Why did this woman seem afraid to get a gas can filled before her relative showed up? Did she somehow think the fuel goes stale after 15 minutes?
By the way, I went to Taco Bell to end the fast I mentioned Friday. I loaded up for it Friday evening at Cici's Pizza on Macon Road - where you get a pizza buffet and a drink for only $4.75! This place must make all its profits from the
children playing video games.
(You can tell who the target audience at this restaurant is right away - because the TV sets tend to show nothing but Nickelodeon and the Cartoon Network.)
A children's birthday party was in progress as I dined on pizza. The youngsters sang "Happy Birthday," and one even added a second verse. Who needs a karaoke night when you have singers like these?
COMING SUNDAY: The Russell wrangle....
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