for 21 AUG 07: CATEGORY 25

Columbus took a direct hit Monday from Hurricane Dean. The impact was sudden and stunning. It was enough to.... huh?! What do you mean it was mostly sunny? I'm not talking about the weather. I'm talking about the biggest blow to our wallets since someone kidnaped the cows, and sent milk to four dollars a gallon.

If you waited until Monday afternoon to fill your gas tank, you waited too long. Prices jumped about 25 cents a gallon across Columbus. Why, the price moved faster than a Weather Channel meteorologist, being blown around the beach at Cancun.

A Circle K station in my neighborhood actually went up to $2.48 a gallon late last week, then went down to $2.42 over the weekend. But Monday it jumped to $2.67 - as if too many players got all the Keno numbers right.

The most logical excuse explanation for the sudden 25-cent jump in gas prices is the presence of Hurricane Dean. There have been fears the storm could damage offshore oil rigs on the Texas coast. It reminds me of that former Secretary of State from Georgia -- wasn't that Dean Risk?

But as of Monday night, the maps of the weather experts indicated Hurricane Dean will miss the Texas coast. Instead, Dean may dash into eastern Mexico in a day or two -- ruining countless empty homes that immigrants are building, by wiring money back from the U.S.

(You think I'm kidding with that last one?! Public radio had a report several weeks ago about how immigrant workers send money to build family "retirement homes" in Latin America -- and then come to like the U.S. so much, they never go back to them. You see, the Mexican restaurants around here really ARE good.)

In fact, crude oil futures prices dropped a bit in New York Monday. So if gas prices jumped based on what people thought Hurricane Dean might do, it's clear what we have here. A former boss of mine used to call it a "PRE-panic attack" - panicking before there's even a reason to do it.

Another possible explanation for the sudden jump in gas prices is a fire last week. It broke out at a Chevron refinery on the Mississippi coast. Isn't this amazing? You don't have to go to a casino anymore, to see your hard-earned money flitter away.

Before you get too upset by Monday's sudden increase, keep this in mind. Gas prices in Columbus are still about 15 cents a gallon lower than they were last August [10 Aug 06]. Of course, maybe I shouldn't write that - because dealers and distributors may realize they haven't made their quarterly goals.

Perhaps you didn't notice the impact of Hurricane Dean Monday because other things distracted you - such as:

+ Which veteran Troy Public Radio announcer talked about an upcoming orchestral audition - and pronounced openings in "bass" like the fish, not the stringed instrument? Is this announcer secretly trying out to work at an outdoors channel?

+ An attorney for Michael Vick announced the Atlanta Falcons quarterback will plead guilty to federal dogfighting conspiracy charges. Oh really?! He's not scheduled to appear in court until next Monday - and I'm not considering Vick guilty until Edward DuBose of the NAACP says I can.

(The announcement about Michael Vick came as the Falcons confirmed backup quarterback D.J. Shockley is out for the season with ligament damage. Suddenly those three prime-time home games during the season look like perfect nights to go shopping at the mall.)

+ Some customers at Buffalo Wild Wings at Bradley Park Drive objected to servers wearing Michael Vick jerseys during Monday night preseason football. The sooner this restaurant holds an auction to benefit the Humane Society, the better....

+ Columbus Police said the Waffle House on Milgen Road was robbed at around 5:30 p.m. Now THIS is a dumb criminal - holding up a waffle restaurant before the dinner hour, on the slowest night of the week for restaurants.

+ A motorcyclist named Jon told WRBL he was slashed in the throat ten days ago at The Saloon and Oyster Bar. That settles it for me - this restaurant is going to have to serve softer oyster shells.

+ The Muscogee County School Board considered expanded funding for a free breakfast program. This year's theme is, "Breakfast for All" - to which I'd add, "With Pepsi toward none."

+ WXTX named Eufaula's Brandon Barker the winner of its "Fox Idol" contest. In fact, Barker already has a professional singing background - and opened for Ricochet last Friday night at the Phenix City Amphitheater [True/Eufaula Tribune]. This may prove a long run on "Nashville Star" doesn't really get you anywhere.

+ Instant Message to "Benjamin Franklin, the Punctual Plumber": I saw your truck Monday on Manchester Expressway -- but hold on a minute! Aren't you sending a misleading message here? Shouldn't you really be an electrician?

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