17 AUG 07: IF THEY RULED THE WORLD

Because of a road trip last Sunday (details coming soon), I had to miss the Columbus International Festival at the Civic Center. So can someone who went tell me if everything went smoothly? Or did a picket line show up, demanding all the performers show proof of U.S. citizenship?

A caller the other day seemed to have this summer's surge of crime in Columbus this summer all figured out. He said it's NOT ultimately a matter of drugs -- it's a matter of illegal immigration. At first this didn't make sense to me. For one thing, Columbus State pitcher Bryan Kilgore went to Hardaway High School. He wasn't recruited from the Dominican Republic.

The man I'm calling "Hank" explained unemployed people are turning to illegal drug-dealing to make a living, because illegal immigrants are taking their jobs. If that logic is true, I'd watch the food at the CharBroil restaurant carefully - because former W.C. Bradley workers might be spiking the greens.

Hank told me he knows of "two church deacons" who lost jobs to illegal immigrants, and are now selling illegal drugs to make a living. When I asked him to name the deacons, he refused -- so watch carefully this weekend, for anyone carrying collection plates in the wrong direction.

Hank works in the local building industry, but perhaps not for long. He says illegal immigrants are taking so many construction jobs that he might have to abandon a career of more than 20 years. Hank makes it sound like the Home Depot might go out of business -- or need to add special chisels, for splitting crack cocaine rocks.

But Hank is concerned about illegal immigration for another reason. He says "Mexicans" are moving millions of dollars out of Columbus every day, by wiring the money to Mexico. Maybe should Hank should go up to them today, and demand the money be re-routed - to help rebuild Peru.

Hank believes this is a perfect day to see the draining of the Columbus economy in action. Simply go to a Winn-Dixie store at 6:00 p.m., he says, and check the line of "Mexicans" at the Western Union counter. Speaking personally, I think that makes more sense than buying those "lucky candles" showing the Virgin Mary.

Hank is quick to say he does NOT blame the immigrants for doing what they're doing. He calls them "brilliant" for taking U.S. jobs and wiring money to Mexico, where the exchange rate from dollars to pesos makes their earnings go four times farther. But if this was true, wouldn't more U.S. families in border towns buy homes in Mexico and commute?

Hank believes this money shift to "Mexicans" can be stopped - but the Columbus mayor and Council don't seem to like his idea. Hank suggests companies be fined millions of dollars, if they hire illegal immigrants. Either local natives would get their jobs back - or businesses would go under, and a drug war in Columbus really would be on.

But it was one specific statement by Hank which struck me most of all. "In a year's time, everything in Columbus will be owned, run and controlled by Mexicans." Everything?! Why, we only have one Hispanic member of Columbus Council - and Mimi Woodson's background is Puerto Rican.

In Hank's frustration over his situation, he may feel like "Mexicans" are taking over Columbus. But a full conquest by August 2008 seems to be too big a prediction. For one thing, how many of them will have to pool their savings to attempt a takeover of Aflac?

Yet let's suppose Hank is right - that one year from now, Mexicans will own everything in Columbus. Imagine how different things could be....

+ Columbus Bank and Trust could have "Sombrero Friday" dress codes for its employees.

+ Al's Schnitzel Gasthaus could turn into El Vaquero #12.

+ Riverfest would return - adding a contest where people cross the Chattahoochee River on foot as fast as they can.

+ When the United Way campaign ends, the directors would have to shout, "Gooooooooooooool!"

+ Carmike Cinemas' multiplexes would have to show at least one Salma Hayek movie at all times.

+ Babe Ruth baseball - out. The Fernando Valenzuela League - in.

+ Country's "Barbacoa" would have to add habanero peppers, to a sauce that's already pretty hot.

Maybe you can add other items to this list. We're out of time to add more, so let's wrap up with some Thursday news headlines:

+ An author and retired general was interviewed on the WXTX Morning News - and said the "B-word" on the air three times in 15 seconds. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think Chuck Leonard looks like Don Imus at all.

+ The Columbus Catfish assailed Asheville 5-3, in the start of a big four-game baseball series. The Catfish now lead Asheville in their division by 1.5 games, and the series continues at Golden Park all weekend. So will Columbus fans come out to support a winning home team -- or ignore it like usual, and analyze Northern "fall ball" teams instead?

+ Instant Message to WRBL meteorologist Bob Jeswald: Now you're really confusing me. All week long you've shown sunrise times in the P.M., as in evening. Have we all moved to Antarctica - and if so, have we proven global warming once and for all?

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