19 AUG 07: GOD, GUNS AND GRUB

The Pastor declared during this weekend's worship service that we'd had "the best church picnic ever." That's a pretty bold statement. But we didn't have any rain -- and thanks to the heat, I saw my pastor wearing a simple white T-shirt for the first time ever.

Our road trip last Sunday took us to in northwest Chambers County, for the annual church picnic. As usual, it was held at the home of our Presiding Elder - down the road from a couple of tall brick chimneys. No homes are attached, only chimneys. The wait for fire insurance checks must be longer than I thought.

Again this year, the main event at the church picnic was grilled barbecue chicken. But this year there was a switch -- as two small grills were used, as opposed to a giant-sized grill rented from a nearby bank. You'd think the bank could use that money right now, given the mess with home mortgages.

One man at our picnic has made several business trips to China, so he received plenty of questions about that country. Given the recent news from China, perhaps it's a miracle that he even showed up in good health.

This man admits he doesn't like to drive in China - and the taxis he's taken have been stopped at the entrances to major cities. How are you going to keep people down on the farm? You don't let them into town, that's how....

The lunch was scheduled for 12:30 p.m. ET, but it didn't start until about 1:00. I'm not sure what caused the delay. I mean, all I brought was diet cola - and arriving 50 minutes after the 10:30 starting time seemed "fashionably late" to me.

The pastor called upon a deacon to ask for God's blessing on the lunch - but in the process, he mixed up the first name of the deacon with the last name of the Presiding Elder. Well, he DID say this weekend that the church should be a "tight-knit family...."

The grilled chicken didn't get all the raves at the church picnic. The dessert table featured a tough choice between chocolate cake and fudge brownies. Since I didn't bring the brownies, both actually were popular and safe to eat.

The Presiding Elder's below-ground swimming pool had plenty of action, both before and after lunch. Yes, people were in the swimming pool less than an hour after lunch. But no -- so many people were in the pool that no one possibly could have drowned.

The Pastor and his wife did NOT join the crowd in the swimming pool. In fact, they snuck away before 3:00 p.m. They live a three-hour drive from the picnic site, in Macon - so maybe they were trying to save the church money, by not working overtime.

The Pastor and his wife missed what happened after 3:00 - as several men climbed out of the swimming pool, grabbed some guns and went to another part of the property for target shooting. Yes, the rifle range returned to the picnic this year after NOT occurring last year [23 Jul 06]. In 2008, I may suggest the picnic be moved to the Booker T. Washington Apartments.

We've documented the target practice at the church picnic before. This year, I dared to repeat for some women a famous 2004 quote from a co-worker: "You attend a redneck church, don't you?" They all laughed at that line - but none of them apologized for it. In fact, one said a woman who was absent is the best shot of all.

The trip to the picnic also allowed me to do some sightseeing along the way....

+ The renovated Chambers County Courthouse in Lafayette looks nice and modern - but for some reason, the clock on top seemed to be on Eastern time. Perhaps that comes with being listed in the Atlanta metropolitan area.

+ Down the highway, Chambers Academy must have serious enrollment problems. The basketball goals near U.S. 431 are so rusty, it's no wonder Lafayette High School has better teams.

+ We made our first trip to the Tigertown shopping complex in Opelika - but needed to make two passes around it to find the new Kroger supermarket. When Downtown Columbus actually has better signs giving directions to landmarks, something's wrong here.

+ Once we found Kroger, we were impressed - a 20-aisle store which seemed like a small-scale Wal-Mart Supercenter. One aisle had a wall filled with well-organized magazines - and no signs warning against loitering, like Piggly Wiggly stores have.

E-MAIL UPDATE: Let's move on to another church - Wynnbrook Baptist of Columbus....

I am curious as to your thoughts concerning Pastor Hicks' resignation. I have seen the comments in the ledger about them trying to bring him back.................

and I agree that he probably thought long and hard about it before he did. I don't know him personally but do know who he is by face. If I were the church I would wonder if I had taken advantage of him or just flat out burned him out. None the less...I do keep he and his family in my thoughts and prayers.............regardless of whatever the situation. He reminds me of the way Pastors use to be. He seemed to be everywhere all the time of friends I have in that church when there was a need.

This is one case where I don't really have many thoughts. Pastor Brad Hicks may have many reasons for leaving. I really don't think he's borrowing from football players, and holding out for a better contract.

Brad Hicks has been pastor of Wynnbrook Baptist Church for more than 20 years. I'd never met him until he officiated a wedding I attended last November. Pastor Hicks struck me as a bit on the stiff side - but then again, he might have had a bad session at the chiropractor earlier in the day.

Now let's take a quick look at some weekend headlines, which pastors might bring up in sermons:

+ The Saturday high temperature in Columbus was 97 degrees F. When I can actually tell a difference on my body between 97 and 102, is that a good thing?

+ The Columbus NAACP accused the Fire Department of not providing proper training to African-American EMT employees, so they can pass tests for promotions. But Fire Chief Jeff Meyer told WRBL several African-American employees had passed those tests - so maybe they ordered the right test guides online.

+ Columbus Rainbow/PUSH Coalition President William Howell spoke out about the local crime surge. He called on parents to watch their children - and amazingly, he didn't seem to blame local law enforcement for inciting any of the violence.

+ Whitney Cochran won the Miss Columbus pageant. She qualified for next year's Miss Georgia contest - and unlike some of the singers at the Peachtree Mall "American Idol" auditions, she didn't feel compelled to give a speech justifying her selection.

+ The last Columbus Catfish "Friday fireworks" show of the year didn't go off until 11:35 p.m. On top of that, it went off during a rainstorm. But I still think it looked better than the competition - because the occasional lightning overhead simply wasn't timed well.

(A Saturday night win over Asheville kept the Columbus Catfish in first place. And the parent Tampa Bay Devil Rays announced top draft pick David Price will join the team for the rest of the season. I somehow have the feeling more fans will show up simply for Price's autograph.)

+ Instant Message to Shaw High School softball player Misha Aldridge: I saw that home run you hit on the late news - but I couldn't help noticing you. With all due respect, why hasn't the football team recruited you to play on the offensive line?

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