for 9 APR 07: FASTER, FASTER

We're posting this several hours early, because of a special church Holy Day. And it's only fitting, because I've reached the conclusion I'm not going fast enough for other people. To be honest, I should have reached this conclusion when I was in fourth grade - and barely outran the last girl in my class, in the 600-yard dash.

The lack of speed is especially evident when I'm driving. There are several reasons for this. For one thing, my humble Honda is almost 13 years ago and is above 121,000 miles. When it goes up hills, I recall something my late Dad said about another small car I once drove on the freeway: "Do you want me to get out, and help you push?"

But to borrow from WSHE's Jim Foster, there's more to my slowness than a car's "get-up-and-go" having "got up and went." For years, I've made a conscious choice to drive at the speed limit -- even on the highway. The only time Judge Haywood Turner might get upset with me is if all the left lanes of traffic were crowded.

People often say it's impossible to drive at the speed limit on big-city highways. I disagree, because I've done it. Simply go 55 miles per hour in the right-hand lane, and set a good example for everyone else - an example they usually ignore, until they see a State Patrol car in their rear-view mirrors.

But the other afternoon, I was convicted of not moving fast enough for other people - and it happened as my car was at a gas pump. I went to the Dolly Madison station where unleaded was still selling for $2.50 a gallon this weekend. Maybe the staff made a deal with Iran's government, to apologize for thinking about stepping into its waters.

The Dolly Madison store on Victory Drive only has three gas pumps, so six drivers at a time can use it. I turned in and found myself third in line, so I left a bit of space for drivers to go by and park next to the door thrift store door. It only takes one honking horn to tell you your strategy is wrong....

A four-by-four behind me honked, so I moved my Honda up and crowded behind the second vehicle in line. I felt convicted, since the four-by-four driver didn't wave to thank me - and I kept waiting for another drive to honk me backwards, for blocking their way out of the store.

After a few minutes of waiting, vehicle #2 and mine moved up to the pumps. I looked behind me, noticed more cars in line - and convicted by the horn-honker, I decided to take action. I didn't simply walk inside the store to prepay for gas. I sprinted. Sometimes you have to show how much you care.

"There are people waiting in line," I urgently explained to the woman behind the counter as I quickly handed over my credit card to prepay for gas.

"Calm down," the woman told me. "Or you're gonna need to go on some medications."

"I'm OK, but everybody's impatient today." At least, that's what I hear many ministers say - you know, the ones who usually have reserved parking spots at church halls and meetings.

Maybe I wasn't really that OK, because I was getting a bit out of breath and jumpy trying to make my point. The woman at Dolly Madison clearly wasn't being paid an incentive bonus, for handling the most customers on her shift.

After I signed the receipt for the prepaid gas, I jogged back outside and filled my tank. At least at this point, there was nothing I could do to make the pump work faster. And who knows -- maybe a passing NASCAR crew chief might spot me, and want to give me a job.

With the tank full and a one-dollar prepay refund coming, I hurriedly back inside the Dolly Madison store. The woman behind the counter still was unimpressed. "Did you drink too much caffeine today? Is that what it is?"

"I'd explain to you, but people are still waiting in line - and they'll grow even more impatient."

"I know how to take care of that." And with that, the woman behind the counter simply took her usual time handling my credit card refund. Come to think of it, maybe she realizes her station has the lowest price in Columbus....

After I ran back out to the car and pulled out like Jeff Gordon finishing a green-flag pit stop at Talladega, I reflected on what I'd done. Some people behind the counter might have pushed a silent alarm to call police, over what I had done. But then again, my outfit with T-shirt and athletic shorts probably convinced this woman I wasn't dressed to be a robber.

But I still justify what I did at Dolly Madison, because I was trying to show love and concern for others. If I move faster in doing the ordinary things of life, people around me will be less likely to become impatient. They'll be happier, they'll be less likely to honk their horns at me -- and the extra running might help me drop another couple of pounds.

BLOG UPDATE: It's another "Hurtsboro Monday," but the big news from the Russell County town may come later in the week. Mayor Shirley Tarver is scheduled to appear in Russell County Court Friday, in a case involving her adult care center. Will Constable R.J. Schweiger show up, and attempt to psych out her attorneys?

East Alabama Medical Center is suing Shirley Tarver's "Jet Adult Day Care." EAMC hired the Montgomery law firm of Holloway and Moxley to represent it in court. No one answered the phone there when we called Friday afternoon, but the voice mail system noted it's a "debt collection" firm. So you'll recognize the attorneys by their trench coats and sunglasses....

Meanwhile, your blog has received a second "snail mail" letter from "R.C. Ounti" concerning Hurtsboro. This time, Mr. Ounti recommends two restaurants where people talk about the town. Aren't these the places where problems are supposed to get resolved - not only in Hurtsboro, but in Washington and Baghdad?

"The City Grill features a round table," R.C. Ounti writes. "Your Blog and the Constable are both popular and unpopular there!" It looks like I'd better show up there ready to pay for lunch with cash.

"Then there's Marnie's," Mr. Ounti continues - a Hurtsboro café "run and catered to by the black citizens." Oh no! Don't tell me there's segregation in this town - for instance, between the green and black-eyed peas.

R.C. Ounti contends when it comes to the Marnie's Café crowd, "your Blog is much too deep for those folks." Aw c'mon - we have regular readers across in Alabama, and not one has asked us to translate our words into plain English for them.

R.C. Ounti suggests Russell County Judge Kenneth White has convinced Marnie's Café that "he will protect them from the big bad constable." So what does R.J. Schweiger have against an African-American restaurant? Would he argue the food doesn't have enough soul?

SCHEDULED TUESDAY: The most controversial concert of the season is broadcast statewide....

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