23 APR 06: PROM-ME-NOT

The church congregation I attend is small, so visitors tend to be noticed. Last weekend a teenage boy showed up - then after the service put on a bow tie. When a teenager tries to outdress the pastor in this day and age, something unusual is going on....

But as I watched the scene unfold, the reason for this became clear. The boy in the bow tie was taking a young lady in our congregation to the Troup County High School prom that night. The couple posed for photos at the speaker's stand - but they covered the church logo, perhaps to avoid a first amendment lawsuit.

Many thoughts went through my mind as I watched that scene. The first thought was how the denomination I attend urges people to only "date within the church." Maybe the girl thought simply having her date in the church meeting hall counted....

But I also reflected on my own high school years. May will mark 30 years since my graduation - and I admittedly never went to a prom. For one thing, I didn't know how to dance. And I don't think "Dance Fever" with Denny Terrio was on TV yet.

It's not that I never tried to get a date for the prom. I was smitten for much of high school with a girl I'll call "Kadie" - and no, I'm not calling her that because she's as big as a cow....

I called Kadie often and we were friendly, but she was more interested in other guys. Then her family moved to a different school district for our junior year - and I decided to ask her to the prom, figuring no one in my school would guess whom I was bringing. Even before eBay, I knew the risks of getting outbid.

To my utter surprise, Kadie said yes to a prom date. This would be my FIRST date, like, EVER! My mother had to guide me through the next few important steps - such as learning what color her dress would be, so we wouldn't have a color clash. Enough guys in school had poked fun at my multicolored sneakers....

The tuxedo was reserved 13 days before the prom, and I had a nice Kansas City restaurant chosen for dinner. But then Kadie called me a week before the dance, and canceled - blaming a family death in southern Missouri. It was one time when Missouri did NOT love company.

Even back then, I played by the theory that asking a woman for a date less than seven days before an event was discourteous. It showed a lack of thought and respect, based on books I'd read. Those books never told me about some of the clubs on Broadway....

So I canceled the tuxedo reservation, and skipped the prom my junior year. I suppose I could have gone by myself, but I supposed that would have looked awkward -- and openly advertised to the world the "dating trouble" I already had.

When the spring of my senior year came, Kadie was back in my high school -- but she was dating the quarterback of that other high school. She actually promised in one of her "regrets calls" to go out with me during the summer. But to this day, she never has -- which may explain why she never shows up at class reunions.

Since I still had no girlfriend, I decided to take a different approach. I put an ad in the school newspaper, seeking a prom date. There was some cover for me, since my parents were divorcing and my mom had changed the home phone number. Not that Dad ever called, trying to make amends....

The small ad on page four of the school paper put a strict deadline on the offer: call before midnight that Friday night, if you wanted a male date for the prom. I don't think online dating services offer one-day specials like that - but maybe they should, say, with Jessica Simpson.

I hurried home from school to see if the phone would ring in response to the ad - and it did three times. As I recall, one caller was simply curious about who placed the ad. The other two girls said they seriously were interested, so I promised to consider them. And to make this even tougher, Myspace.com didn't exist back then.

So what did I do the following day, about the two prospective prom dates? I went to a library and checked on them, of course. After all, I was the high school newspaper editor, a member of the debate team -- and I never thought about hiring a private investigator.

I concluded the two candidates (who went to other schools, but were referred to my ad somehow) were bogus. So prom night came, and I stayed home again. There was even a P.A. announcement one day, saying no dates were required -- but I still felt uncomfortable about it. One wrong chat, and my tuxedo might have blood stains on it.

No, I am NOT writing all this in hopes of getting a sympathy invitation to a school prom somewhere. I made my decisions 30 years ago, and I accept the decisions I made. But the visitor at church reminded me of what might have been - and I'm finally reaching the point where I can watch "That 70's Show" without squirming a bit.

(P.S. The boy in the bow tie was NOT back at our church congregation this weekend. Perhaps he responded to my pastor's comment about too many ministers recommending psychotherapy - and decided the pastor needs some.)

E-MAIL UPDATE: Now back to what today's area schools seem to be all about - discipline, or a lack thereof:

I have a young relative who was the victim of a bully at --------- Middle School..( I don't want to give the name of the school because the victim is still there)His mom first talked to the guidance office,who ignored the situation which continued.THe victim was called in and the bully never was..All the kids knew why he was called in and he was scared even more..Now the bully knew he had told...Then his mom talked to the principal,who said ,"Oh,it is just boys."..She talked to a person from the school distict central office who misrepresented her position. The bully continued to pick on her son..Finally Billy Kendall had school security talk to the bully..The principal still said it was not happening..How would you feel if you were told,"I know how to kill with a baseball bat.".."I know where you live and I can get a gun.".."Don't raise your hand anymore in class or I'll cut it off".This went on for days everyday...Finally the problem was solved...the bully moved...!!.... So Russell County schools don't hold the trophy for being operated by jerks...

The name Billy Kendall tells me this happened in a Muscogee County school. If only one of them had a boxing magnet program....

The role of a "school guidance department" always has puzzled me a bit. The staff members used to be called "counselors" -- and in middle school they seem to act as sounding boards for students with concerns. Then in high school, they seem to become full-time college recruiters.

If the bully made the comments quoted in this message, I'm wondering why the parents didn't report him to police. These days, those statements could be considered "terroristic threats." But then again, the baseball bat line could be something Barry Bonds might say.

But there's something missing in this timeline - a step my parents took when I faced a bully in my teen years. My dad went to the home of the bully down the block, and talked with his parents. Things seemed to stop after that - but I never asked if my dad threatened to beat his dad up.

There's another, more modern way to stop bullying like this -- although I personally don't recommend it. Start a rumor of a Columbine-style attack....

The rumor mill of gang violence spread Friday from Phenix City to Salem. Students took a tense moment at breakfast Wednesday, and turned it into rumors of possible weapons at Wacoochee Junior High. Perhaps it's time Disney's "High School Musical" was made required viewing in all classrooms.

(One particular student supposedly was bringing a weapons to school - but a Lee County School spokesperson said that student turned out to have "a bar of soap in a sock." So if he beat you up, at least you'd smell nice.)

Back in Russell County, the school district had yet another faculty member arrested Friday. This time, Oliver Elementary School first-grade teacher Tanya Boring stands accused of standing on a student's hands. Maybe if she had danced a merengue, to make it educational....

But this case may be different from the others in Russell County. The mother of a child in Tanya Boring's class stood up for her on TV Saturday, openly doubting any mistreatment occurred. Perhaps there's a misunderstanding here - and she's simply a Boring teacher.

The final score from last week: four Russell County teachers arrested, one principal arrested, and a football coach reported by Saturday's Ledger-Enquirer as being suspended. But it gets worse from there - because the baseball team apparently isn't unbeaten this season.

Now for other items from Earth Day weekend - and we hope you didn't forget to hug a tree:

+ The Columbus Police Department held its annual auction of seized merchandise downtown - while Bill Heard Chevrolet continued its "seized vehicle" sale on Manchester Expressway. Please note one did NOT offer to give its proceeds to the other.

+ "Street TV" on WLGA showed a crowd of African-American young people outside, and indicated the group meets "every Sunday night at the Civic Center." It said nothing about police eventually showing up, to tell the crowd to leave....

+ The annual "Best Ranger" competition began at Fort Benning. Two-person teams engage in grueling activities for three days, with hardly any sleep. Some parents have their own phrase for this -- a Disney World vacation.

+ The National Infantry Museum announced Coca-Cola's name will sponsor the new museum's Imax Theatre. Those ten-ounce glass bottles certainly came in handy during wartime - crashing them over the heads of Nazis, when all else failed.

(What -- Mayor Bob Poydasheff's name isn't going to be on the Imax Theatre? His reelection campaign must have less money than I thought....)

+ The annual "Georgia Strawberry Festival" was held in the Taylor County town of Reynolds. Why do I have a feeling we'll never see Darryl Strawberry serve as the grand marshal of this event?

+ Instant Message to Phenix City Mayor Jeff Hardin: Are you serious -- you want Broad Street changed from six lanes of traffic to four? Are you going to change the name to "Narrower Street," while you're at it?

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $2.72 a gallon at Spectrum on South Lumpkin Road.... honey buns for ten cents at the Flowers Bread store on Weems Road.... and no chance of anyone announcing a boycott of Riverfest this week....

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