20 APR 06: YOU AND ME AGAINST THE WORLD

President Bush visited Tuskegee University Wednesday, four years after a trip to Auburn University. If he still hasn't visited Columbus while Albert Gore did once as Vice President, does this confirm Columbus State University's President is a Democrat?

The President traveled to Tuskegee to give a speech on whether our country can compete against the rest of the world. You have to admit the current signs are ominous - such as the U.S. team not even making the final four of the World Baseball Classic.

The focus of President Bush's trip was Tuskegee University's "Center for Advanced Materials." This place is so advanced, it probably had a copy of the President's speech two hours before anyone heard it....

The President said competition from emerging nations such as India is causing fuel prices to go up. So the next time you call a "help desk" and someone in New Delhi answers the phone, tell him to do everyone a favor and give up his car for a bicycle.

The President noted Tuskegee University has several doctoral candidates who specialize in nanotechnology. They are exceptions to many young adults in East Alabama - who focus on "Mork and Mindy" reruns to learn nanu-nanu-technology.

(Of course, some people in East Alabama can be rather proud about their lack of sophisticated knowledge. They prefer a life with NON-technology.)

President Bush noted Defense Department research spending at colleges such as Tuskegee led to the Internet. Can you believe this - it took the President five years to disprove Albert Gore's claim that HE invented it?

The President explained the Internet developed because "the Defense Department said, we need to figure out how better to communicate." To hear some retired generals talk lately, it hasn't worked at all.

President Bush called on Congress to double federal funding for "critical research programs in the physical sciences." Now there's a sophisticated opening line to use at a singles bar....

The President also wants Congress to provide money to train 70,000 high school teachers for "advanced placement" classes. Uh-oh - I can see the jealous e-mails against Columbus High School coming already.

(Mr. Bush didn't exactly come out and say it - but if we need to train advanced placement teachers, doesn't that suggest the current teachers aren't as smart as they should be?)

But wait, there's more! President Bush plans a White House conference on mathematics by next January, to determine the best ways to teach mathematics. If this is what he has to do to stop deficit spending, I guess I'm for it....

The math conference will lead to a new "Math Now" program, which will give eighth and ninth-graders extra help if they're struggling with math. You'll be able to spot them by their larger calculators.

President Bush noted two new federal grant programs, for college students who do well in tough course work or major in "critical foreign languages." I'll assume one of those languages is Iranian - since that country's President has been so critical of the U.S. lately.

The timing of the speech on competitiveness was interesting, as today the President welcomes Chinese President Hu Jintao to the White House. If only a former Secretary of the Interior was still alive - so we could have Hu on first, then James Watt on second....

But isn't it a bit curious to hear all this talk from President Bush about being competitive? After all, come 2009 he doesn't have to compete for public office anymore.

Several top Alabama Republicans joined President Bush on his tour of Tuskegee University. That prompted Republican Roy Moore to complain it was nothing but a trip to help Governor Bob Riley's reelection campaign. Maybe if the President visited Samford University's divinity school....

President Bush even had a few nice words to say about Tuskegee Mayor Johnny Ford, who's every bit a Democrat. The President called him "a good man," who can "fill the potholes." So why isn't the university working on THAT problem -- something that's much more practical?

If there were protests on the Tuskegee University campus during President Bush's visit, I didn't notice any on television. I thought William Howell from the Columbus Rainbow/PUSH office might show up - since he's never bothered to tell us if he was approved for that meeting with Senator Arlen Specter.

Now a quick check of other items, on what turned out to be a busy Wednesday:

+ The principal of Russell County Middle School was arrested, on charges of failing to report an allegation of sexual abuse. The principal's name is Larry Screws - but I'm sorry, we don't do THAT type of humor here....

(So let's see: the Russell County Middle School principal is arrested, weeks after the High School principal was shuffled off to an administrative job. If this keeps up, Tony Rasmus will wind up as both baseball coach and district superintendent.)

+ A lawsuit was filed by a former assistant manager of the Auburn Hooters, claiming a female executive encouraged the wait staff last year to sell their bodies as prostitutes. Maybe this is a stupid question - but does anyone really think they were selling chicken wings in the first place?

+ The Columbus Sheraton Hotel hosted two infomercial-advertised workshops on investing in the international exchange market. This is probably a lucrative business in some parts of town - where they swap dollars for pesos.

+ Shaw handled Harris County 2-1 in high school baseball. For some unexplained reason, Shaw's players wore red undershirts. I do hope the one-day sale at Macy's had nothing to do with this....

+ Columbus native Reggie Abercrombie hit his first major league home run for Florida - and it traveled 493 feet in Cincinnati. We expect the book about his steroid test will be published sometime in July.

+ Instant Message to the business on Warm Springs Road which promises on a sign: "WE FIX M/W OVENS": I'm glad to see you don't discriminate by gender.

COMING FRIDAY: E-mail about everything from The Fire House club to a brothel....

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