2 APR 06: SLOTS OF LUCK

We'll get to some e-mail from blog readers - but today we start with messages from everybody else. I've been offered a big money-making opportunity, which probably doesn't involve a lot of work. And since blogging doesn't qualify for me under category, why not try it?

SPAM-A-RAMA: I've had several e-mail offers lately suggesting I start an online casino. No, I have NOT responded to any of them - so the Metro Narcotics Task Force can stop writing the search warrant right now.

"Running an online casino will put money in your bank account," claims one e-mail I received this past week. There's a hidden message here - people who actually play at any sort of casino won't.

"Online casinos are hot right now. Poker is huge," another e-mail tells me. So I've noticed. Columbus has "Texas hold 'em" tournaments in various clubs and bars several nights a weeks. The cards may "flop," but the interest has not....

"Everything is provided for you," yet another spam message promises. Oh goody - including attorneys, in case the police declares my casino illegal?

"All you need is a computer and a startup fee," the spammers declare. That's all you need for all sorts of online businesses - but if everybody else does what I'm doing, the only way I'll make any money is by ripping off all my soon to be former friends.

I read somewhere a few years ago that the Internet already has thousands of online casinos. So why would anyone want to visit mine? Unless I have a slot machine paying big jackpots for three pictures of Judge Bobby Peters....

There's also the problem that credit card companies are trying to block transactions involving online casinos. Visa is proving it isn't quite everywhere people want to be -- at least not the compulsive gamblers.

And there's one other small issue the casino spam offers don't address. What if a gambler hits it big, right after my casino opens? Is this like a pyramid scheme - where I go to another guy's online casino and win back my losses?

I'll pass on that offer - and instead go through some recent REAL spam titles I've received:

"HE SPEAK RAILWAY"

If he's the only one who does, we'll all go off-track.

"HER ASK VOLUMES"

That's why Creshon Saunders is a journalist, isn't it?

"YOU LOOK MEDIUM"

Thank you - but I'm really a large.

"SHE WANTS A BETTER SEX?"

Don't ask me - I haven't seen the movie "TransAmerica."

"COME SKYSCRAPE PRELIMINARY"

After you. White men can't jump, you know.

"A CROWD VERB"

Packed.

"PERHAPS BOMB IT'S ALREADY"

Now stop that! I refuse to make any jokes about that new meteorologist, Harmony Mendoza.

"NOT BRAGGART OR GEORGIA"

Then what IS Rep. Cynthia McKinney, anyway?

"STINKY SEE ELIJAH"

I doubt Bible characters ever were asked to heal THAT sort of thing....

"JUST QUANTITATIVE IN TOYOTA"

I thought most circus clowns stuffed themselves inside Volkswagens.

"HAVE BY THIRTEEN"

The pressure for girls to have plastic surgery is getting out of control....

E-MAIL UPDATE: As promised, our spring cleaning of LEGITIMATE messages continues. We start with Mayor Bob Poydasheff's suggestion the other day that Columbus lacks "first-class" hotels:

The mayor's right. Columbus lacks first-class everything. My wife and I have been to some of this city's "finer" dining establishments and I can honestly say that the food at Waffle House is much better than places I've been to here. If there are any good places to eat here, it almost always is BBQ. But I will say, the best to eat here is at the Buckhead Grill off of Armour Rd. Eating there is like being in a city again where half the population isn't in poverty and more than two-thirds of the pop. have a college education......ahhh, the good ole days.

AR

How interesting - I never thought of the Buckhead Grill as being in Palm Beach or Beverly Hills.

Some friends of mine are planning a trip to Buckhead Grill before long, so we'll let you know how accurate AR is. In the meantime, as for "finer dining establishments" in Columbus -- maybe he simply went through a buffet line on the wrong night.

Meanwhile, my latest guess about "Is Our City Safe" apparently was a bit off. An e-mail from him is titled: "Charles Weaver for District One":

I will give you one guess who most of the Police, Firefighters, and EMS are going to vote for and it's not Mr. Nathan "love it or leave it" Suber.

Thanks,

Wade Sheridan

Wade attached Tim Chitwood's article from the Friday Ledger-Enquirer about Weaver's campaign declaration. It noted Weaver was a police officer from 2002-05. So does a Columbus Councilor make THAT much more money?

One unanswered question in Charles Weaver's announcement is whether other current and former police officers will follow him in entering local races. If there's an organized group of candidates like some e-mailers have suggested, this could be the most-watched "blue line" this side of a Cottonmouths game.

More of your e-mails are coming in a few days - but I need to finish and get to bed before the time change, so here are some quick weekend items:

+ The Port Columbus museum hosted a "Civil War Army Encampment" weekend. I drove by this encampment on Victory Drive and said to myself, "Wow! Things must be really in tents over there."

+ Golden Park had its biggest crowd in years, for a hip-hop concert which lasted several hours. As a rapper might say: they hipped and hopped till they were too pooped to pop.

+ The AM radio station we mentioned last Sunday switched from "Hallelujah 1460" to "Viva 1460" sooner than advertised, late Friday afternoon. Maybe Clear Channel did this so people wouldn't think the Spanish music was an April Fool's joke.

(From what I've heard so far, Viva 1460 has a lot of ballads and "Spanish pop." Mexican immigrants who want the "ranchero" sound may have to move to Russell County and stand around some cattle.)

+ A Fort Benning soldier who recently returned from Iraq won this year's St. Jude Dream Home. Unlike one previous military winner, this one says he plans to stay in Columbus - so those new restaurants and coffee shops at Columbus Park Crossing are paying dividends.

+ Raleigh routed the Chattahoochee Valley Vipers in indoor football 62-13. After seeing that score on the late-night news, the Final Four basketball games didn't seem so bad.

+ Instant Message to TV pitchman Phil Carter: What do you mean, this is the "tempest weekend" of the Bill Heard Chevrolet crane sale? I thought you were selling new Chevrolets, not old Plymouth Tempests....

(And how can you be 150 feet up in that van on WRBL, then be on the ground down the dial a few minutes later? How can I be sure about the cars you're selling, if I can't even trust where your feet are?)

BLOGGER'S NOTE: A tight schedule will mean NO blog entry Monday.... and daily blogging may be iffy the next couple of weeks, as we finish Serious Spring Cleaning....

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