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28 MAY 04: ENDURING TO THE END

It was all over Tuesday night at the end of the second. A baseball game? The Stanley Cup hockey finals? The "American Idol" winner? No - an old bottle of ketchup I've had for years. It was declared empty at the end of the second hot dog.

I've had a big glass bottle of tomato ketchup for at least eight years. I brought it to Columbus from the Atlanta area, after winning it with a bag of groceries at a supermarket grand opening. What does it say about my life when ketchup bottles have sentimental value?

This bottle of ketchup was a no-name brand - Shurfine, I want to say. The main label fell off the bottle long ago, due to condensation from being out of my refrigerator. That piece of paper proved more important than you might think - because have you ever tried opening a slick glass bottle with a stuck lid?

A small label still surrounds the neck of the ketchup bottle, with the words "EXTRA THICK." Truer words were never written. The ketchup around the lid would get SO thick that I couldn't unscrew the top for months at a time. But that's OK - it promoted the aging process.

To be honest, I don't use ketchup at home on a lot of foods - and when hot dogs come up on the dinner menu, I work on leftover restaurant packets first. From my own experience, I think ketchup packets left out too long inspired Heinz to develop those weird colors for children.

Not wanting to be wasteful, I turned the glass ketchup bottle upside-down in recent months to secure the last few drops. But it wasn't built for that, the way Heinz bottles are today -- so this old bottle needed mustard and salad dressing containers as crutches.

So back to Tuesday night's last hurrah: I pulled out the ketchup bottle for my three-dog night (!) - but the upside-down lid was stuck again. I chipped away at the crusty ketchup around the lid as best I could. After a few moments, a "burp" of sorts occurred and a touch of ketchup hit the floor - sort of like the volcanic eruption of Mt. Condiment.

Most of the ketchup stayed inside the cap, however - and I spread it out over two of the three hot dogs. Before you ask: yes, it still WAS red and not moldy.

With that, an amazing era in my kitchen has ended. I believe the food longevity record now passes to a big two-pound jar of generic-brand "salad mustard." It would have been empty long ago - but c'mon, who puts mustard on a salad?

By the way, the kitchen has been warm in recent days - but I still have NOT turned on the air conditioner in the window. Long-time blog readers will recall I try to hold out on doing this as long as possible. [11 May 03] That way, I can keep money out of Georgia Power's clutches as long as possible.

BLOG UPDATE: Well, well - remember those three "gossip" questions we asked Wednesday? [26 May] Somebody apparently figured out the third one. But instead of notifying the blog, they spent Thursday calling the Election Board and all the news outlets in town. I feel more like Rodney Dangerfield every day....

Yes, Judge Roxann Daniel, you figured it out -- it's your opponent Bobby Peters whose campaign signs don't appear to have the proper wording about campaign committees. Considering he's a former Columbus Mayor, you'd think he'd know the rules. But then again, Peters was unopposed for that second term as Mayor.

It turns out it's the Georgia election code with that rule about how campaign literature should be worded, mentioning who pays for it. This shows political races are a bit like "Dungeons and Dragons" games -- you should always check for traps.

Bobby Peters told a TV reporter Thursday it's a "matter of interpretation" whether campaign signs count as literature. My Webster's New World Dictionary includes under "literature" the definition, "printed matter of any kind." Is Mr. Peters's legal practice so slow that he painted the signs himself?

Judge Roxann Daniel admits it would be hard to bring a case against opponent Bobby Peters. For one thing, she says the Georgia election code is written in such a way that sign violations are unenforceable. For another thing, Mr. Peters has so many lawyers backing him that the "friend of the court" briefs would be overwhelming.

Take a stroll through the Legal - oops, Historic District, and you'll find plenty of pro-Daniel or pro-Peters signs outside law offices. Is this a proper thing to do? Back the winning candidates for judge, and you look like you're seeking special treatment. Back the losers, and your clients won't have a chance for months.

Bobby Peters announced late Thursday he'll take steps to fix those 1,500 campaign signs without a "paid-for" section. Deep down, he might not mind this - because he'll shake all the hands of backers a second time, to confirm their support.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: This isn't the first time we've caught a Columbus candidate violating election rules. We'll share another case in a "LaughLine flashback," the next time we post on Monday....)

THE BIG BLOG QUESTION: OK, I was wrong -- and I hereby apologize to WRBL's Candace Cook. A week of voting ended Thursday, and you declared her hair the best on Columbus television. But wait a minute! Did people vote for the blown-straight hair we usually see, or the curls which accidentally showed up that one night?

This "hairy" question brought a record number of votes for the blog - more even than the question about recalling Sheriff Ralph Johnson. I guess the priorities of Columbus residents now are abundantly clear....

The final score shows Candace Cook leading the "best hair" race with 38 percent of the vote. A late rush of support pushed her ahead of the 25 percent for WRBL colleague Amy Giuliano. It's either that, or curled-up votes finally straightened out.

Of the five names we offered in the question, Cheryl Reneé was third at 19 percent. Then came Deborah Singer at 13 percent - and sadly, Kirsten Olesen received no votes at all. Maybe Olesen and her supporters were too busy working.

We also received a couple of surprise alternative choices - including meteorologist Joshua McKinney [24 May]. Someone suggested former reporter Adrian Helmick, who moved away from Columbus two years ago. Either the current styles on TV don't impress this voter - or the voter spends all their time watching cable.

At least one TV personality came to me, complaining about NOT being on the list of nominees for best hair. But hey - I had to draw the part-line somewhere....

So congratulations to Candace Cook - and if her hair defines her "classiness" as someone suggested, [20 May] so be it. I guess this makes her the "head" of the class, doesn't it?

And let's not forget the other stuff which happened Thursday:

+ Former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman was indicted by a federal grand jury, on charges of bid-rigging. Does anyone really think he'll be convicted of this? He couldn't rig a state lottery referendum in his favor....

+ Mike Vee signed off from his afternoon spots talk show on WRCG. He's taking a morning radio job in Opelika - so for now, his co-host is simply another radio D.J.

(Mike Vee is going to an FM station in Opelika that's the new flagship station of Auburn University sports. Oh no! Don't tell me Auburn will join Alabama and Georgia Tech -- and go off Columbus radio stations, too....)

+ A group of teenagers from the Inner Harbour halfway house appeared outside Miriam's Café, for a program of "therapeutic drumming." Isn't that a strange name for it? Many people see a doctor for therapy, to stop their heads from drumming.

+ Instant Message to the middle-aged man who walked into a Phenix City Piggly Wiggly store with no shirt and bare feet: I dressed that way in public once. I think I was about six at the time....

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© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.