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18 MAY 04: PEEVED IN PITTSVIEW

"Why aren't y'all breaking into programming," the caller complained Monday afternoon, "to talk about how they found those weapons of mass destruction??" The man apparently didn't realize if he already knew about them, we didn't have to break in.

"You all break in all the time, on some of MY favorite programs...." the caller continued. Assuming he was talking about recent news concerning Iraq, this may be the first man in Columbus area history ever to admit he watches "The View."

"What are you, all-Democratic TV?" the man pressed further. Well no, not at all. President Bush has been on a lot lately. He's been apologizing for those prison photos, but at least he's been on....

(Come to think of it, this caller must have been out of town the last few days - because Georgia Republicans were on TV a lot during their convention, while Democrats were hard to find.)

"I'm not even registered to vote...." I finally told the caller from Pittsview - and that stopped the onslaught for a moment. I follow in the tradition of legendary journalist Edward R. Murrow. Well, except I don't smoke cigarettes.

The man from Pittsview wanted everything stopped because coalition commanders announced a roadside bomb in Baghdad Monday had sarin nerve gas. But they also said it was NOT a large amount of sarin - so we couldn't even say the insurgents have "got a lot of nerve."

(In fact, shortly after the man from Pittsview got off the phone, I read a statement from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld that it might not be sarin gas at all. We'll probably have to wait for photos in "The New Yorker" to settle this.)

The caller from Pittsview had other interesting things on his mind. For instance, he credited President Bush for bringing rain to the U.S. The caller attempted to cite a Bible verse to back up this claim - but a former minister of mine liked to call that approach "spoof-texting."

At this point in the conversation, I was puzzled. After all, my Pastor reported about a week ago that "green lush" conditions were north of Georgia and NOT in our area. [14 May] Using the caller's reasoning, maybe we should figure out this year's election based on the "green states," not the red and blue ones.

"My lawn is green," the caller responded when I quoted my Pastor - and the caller then challenged my Pastor to take a trip to Pittsview (he even gave the street address) and see for himself. I didn't think to ask the caller if he worked for ChemLawn.

To sum things up: this man seems to want TV newscasts to cover the pro-Republican side of things in Iraq. So where were the calls a year ago thanking the newscasts for doing exactly that? You know, when the statues of Saddam Hussein came down....

The caller warned me about the Bible verse which says "all liars" will be thrown in the lake burning with "fire and brimstone." That settles it for me - absolutely no more news stories about Easter bunnies.

Now it's MY turn to vent just a little -- only I'll use Instant Messages to do it:

+ To the Taco Bell employee on Buena Vista Road who told someone in the drive-through lane to "please move you're a**" - be thankful I joked about what you said, and didn't move mine out the door and down the street.

+ To loyal Blog reader Scott Miller of WDAK: have you considered selling those "lucky spots" you talk about during Columbus State baseball games? I smell big Division II World Series bucks for you here - BIG bucks.

+ To WRBL's Candice Cook: Why? I shouldn't need to explain any further. If you saw her during the 11:00 p.m. news Monday night, you probably asked it as well.

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