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17 OCT 04: PERP-LEX-ITY

"Find anyone?" That was practically the first question a friend of mine asked at church this weekend. He's single like me - so I knew he wasn't asking about how many people I converted to Christianity.

"I met about 650 people," I answered in response. That's how many attended the church convention in Kentucky. It was an attempt to be humorous and deflecting - but I think my friend saw right through it, to the lack of a ring on my hand.

As I mentioned before I left [28 Sep], I went to Lexington, Kentucky for a "Feast of Tabernacles" church convention because it was a "designated singles site." Come to think of it, some might see that and declare me a designated hitter -
trying to hit on the available women there.

DAY 1: I drive from Columbus to Lexington in eight hours, 20 minutes - making only three stops on the way. The Pontiac I rented from Alamo Rent-a-Car has a sensational stereo. But why does Georgia Public Radio only play one movement of a symphony or piano piece at a time? Do we all have short attention spans?

The only real traffic jam I face on the trip is in the Kennesaw area, northwest of Atlanta. Interstate 75 drops to two lanes each way - but no, they were NOT checking to make sure I had a gun.

But a troublesome sign develops at the Georgia-Tennessee line, as the "service engine soon" light comes on. I put up the hood at a rest area near Chattanooga, and find nothing wrong. Maybe the rent-a-car company has a secret deal with Jiffy
Lube.

The only drama of the trip is whether I can make it to Lexington on one tank of gas - and I make it, traveling about 502 miles! But after all that gain comes the pain. In the evening, I fill the 16-gallon gas tank for $29.90 - the most expensive tank I've ever had.

Then it's on to dinner, and I choose to drive north of my motel. Big Mistake #1: north of Interstate 75 in Lexington, there are NO restaurants at all. I do well to turn around my car at the closed gate of a horse farm, before I wind up somewhere in Ohio.

Back toward town I go, and wind up at a Fazoli's. I order a broccoli chicken dish. Big Mistake #2 - as it has ham hidden on the bottom, and I don't eat ham. It's called full disclosure, folks....

DAY 2: I've agreed to sing in the choir at the church convention, and we're meeting in a small convention room attached to Rupp Arena. The door is open during rehearsal - so during a break, I walk over to that big basketball hall and admire all the Kentucky banners. Then I do the proper Kansas thing and say, "Rock chalk! Jayhawk! K.U.!" Man, that felt good.

The convention's opening service is that night, and it goes well. But afterward, I try going north of Interstate 75 on another Lexington road. The scenery's probably great there by day - but at 9:00 p.m. looking for dinner, you might as well drop off the edge of the universe.

DAY 3: Our choir sings to a taped accompaniment during the afternoon service -- but in the middle of the first verse, the audio from the tape disappears. The director lets us finish the verse, then stops us to wait and see what happens. After about a five-minute wait in silence on stage, we start again. Strangely, I hear no one blame this on Satan.

I choose a Mexican restaurant called Jalapeno's for dinner, and it's a quite authentic place. So authentic, in fact, that the TV sets show Arsenal-River Plate international soccer from Argentina. Who needs to watch the first Presidential debate, anyway?

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: What else did we encounter in Kentucky? Stay tuned to this blog, as the story unfolds in coming days.)

With the Bluegrass State in my rear-view mirror, let's check some home-turf items from the weekend:

+ A federal appeals court ruled Columbus police CANNOT require SOA Watch protesters to go through metal detectors next month. We can only hope none of those giant puppets will hide weapons of mass destruction inside.

+ The "Real Time" telecast on NBC-38 featured Pastor Bill Purvis on the Cascade Hills Church stage, in a $100,000 Porsche 911 sports car. It looks like all the members there have tithed faithfully this year....

(Bill Purvis told his congregation that top-dollar Porsche "can't heal a broken marriage." I'm not so sure about that. An even more expensive ring seemed to work for Kobe Bryant.)

+ Auburn's football team beat Arkansas to remain undefeated. Somewhere Ed Richardson must be saying to himself, "What if they beat Georgia and Alabama, too?! Then I CAN'T fire Coach Tuberville."

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $1.81 a gallon at Summit on Victory Drive.... M&M's on sale at three for 99 cents at Spectrum.... but why doesn't Zaxby's have a value menu?

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