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10 OCT 04: THE REAL TAXI DRIVE

"I've got a man at the dialysis center," said the voice on the two-way radio, "but he says he wants a smoking cab." It makes you wonder if the dialysis staff bothers to check other parts of a patient's body....

I heard this two-way radio report in the back of a Yellow Cab, as I traveled toward home Friday after turning in my vacation rental car. There's nothing like renting a late-model Pontiac with plenty of extras and leather seats to make my ten-year-old Honda feel like a real clunker.

But I digress: the driver of this Yellow Cab was struck by this dialysis center call as much as I was. "Let him smoke those cancer sticks," the driver responded without turning on his radio.

"Well, at least his LUNGS are working right," I suggested. For how long, we'll see....

"I've let people smoke in my cab," the driver of this apparent "smoke-free" cab admitted. "Sometimes they give me better tips." The better for paying his medical bills....

(I should note I've removed several expletives from the cab driver's quotes. That way I won't risk losing any valuable NASCAR points.)

Somehow the discussion turned to my being single - and I admitted I wouldn't want to marry a smoker. During high school, I told myself I wouldn't date anyone who smoked, drank or swore. Silly me - I never realized I was ruling out more than 99 percent of the women on the planet.

"She could be the sweetest woman in the world," the taxi driver said semi-stunned, "but if she smoked, you wouldn't take her?!"

"Maybe that explains why I'm still single, at age 46." I'm not married, but I still can breathe heavily.

The cab driver was married once, but apparently not anymore. "Every day, she wanted to be with her family," he complained. Maybe if the driver had learned how to cook....

"I don't know why these people are looking for love," the driver continued. "There's no love out there anywhere." Maybe he should visit Cooper Creek Park -- where tennis games have "love" all the time.

The driver's comment about love had me all ready to become a Christian evangelist -- but he kept talking. "These church people talk all the time about love. But when you need help -- slam! They close the door in your face." You'd think they would wait to ask for an offering first.

I admitted to the cab driver some churches shouldn't be so harsh to needy people. But I also recalled a Bible verse which says if anyone does not work, he should not eat. Then again, I don't think the Valley Rescue Mission asks to see pay stubs at the door.

"I know about that verse," the cab driver said surprisingly, "and you're the first person I've heard mention it." He'd be surprised how many beggars on the street never have heard of it - not to mention don't want to hear of it.

The taxi driver suggested people who beg for help are legitimate. Then I mentioned the woman downtown who wanted two dollars for gasoline, but wouldn't show me her gas can [25 Sep]. He admitted you can't trust everybody - something you'd think he would have learned much earlier in an election year.

(That reminds me: THE BIG BLOG QUESTION during vacation asked you if I handled the woman's request for money properly. Only 14 percent say I was right to demand to see the gas can. But 43 percent voted for simply handing the woman two dollars. No, this group CANNOT have my home address.)

Even before all this, our first topic of conversation as we rolled down Macon Road was the number of drivers talking on wireless phones. "The thing is, a man can call his wife on a cell phone and chew her out ..." Can't wives do the same sort of
thing -- except maybe they'd ask husbands for bread and milk?!

"There ought to be a law against talking on cell phones while you're driving," the cab driver said. He said this while holding the steering wheel with one hand, and his two-way radio microphone with the other.

Then there was the cab driver who radioed his base saying, "Have some mercy on me. I've been at the courthouse almost all day." My driver was in no mood to offer compassion.

"Would you show any mercy on someone who drove 104 miles per hour?" At local speedways, they wouldn't - they'd challenge the driver's engine as illegal.

"Was this in a 55 zone?" I asked about the cab driver allegedly caught driving 104 miles per hour.

"Yeah.... and he was stopped in a country town," my driver answered. The lesson of all this: know your limits when you're behind the wheel - especially the city limits.

I asked the taxi driver at one point what happened while I was out of town - but he never responded. Either he didn't hear my question, or he confirmed I'm back in slow-paced Columbus.

With the cab fare paid, let's try to catch up on some things I've missed in recent days:

+ Phenix City held a Saturday night "rhythm and blues" concert at the Amphitheater - but as I jogged down the Columbus Riverwalk, the crowd didn't appear very big. If you can't pet any animals or ride a roller coaster, it simply can't compete.

+ A well-informed source tells me former WRBL reporter Jason Miles now is working at the top TV station in Memphis. I only hope he doesn't get his rivers mixed up....

+ U.S. Senate candidate Denise Majette called for a national lottery to pay for education. So why wasn't this suggested by CURRENT Senator Zell Miller - the godfather of Georgia's education lottery? Has he been too busy checking rock singers' clothing?

+ Tuskegee mashed Morehouse 56-8 at McClung Memorial Stadium, in what one ad called "the classic of all classics." Well, I guess it HAS been around longer than most golf tournaments.

(Denzel Washington attended the Tuskegee-Morehouse game to watch his son play. Too bad Cascade Hills Church didn't know about this - and ended its "Man on Fire" sermon series a week or two too soon.)

+ Tennessee went to Athens and stunned the third-ranked Georgia Bulldogs 19-14. So much for that funny cartoon I saw on the road for the Knoxville News-Sentinel - with a sign at the state line declaring Georgia "The POOCH State."

+ Instant Message to New Bethel A.M.E. Church on Victory Drive: How does this "calendar tea" you're having this afternoon work? Is there a different cup for every month?

BURKARD'S BEST BETS: Gas for $1.79 a gallon at two Citgo stations on U.S. 80 in Ladonia.... milk for $2.63 a gallon at Kroger stores north of Columbus.... free Festival at South Commons parking under the Oglethorpe bridge (don't worry, the birds won't drop anything)....

COMING THIS WEEK: We simply MUST address the Marshal's race.... and the frog in the computer room....

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