^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

for 2 JUL 04: GOLDIHOPS AND THE THREE BEERS

Once upon a time, way back in the Busches, there lived a family of three beers.

There was burly Papa Beer. "I just became stronger in Georgia on Thursday, so now I'm the 'head' of beers."

There was regular ol' Mama Beer. "If I stay moderate, I can belong to Mothers Against Drunk Driving."

And there was the low-calorie Baby Beer. "I'm so light, grown men made fun of me at a church picnic the other day."

One day the three beers sat down to guzzle - but Papa Beer was not pleased. "My beer mug is too warm!"

Mama Beer went to the freezer, but found one frosty mug shattering. "This beer mug is too cold!"

But Baby Beer said, "My can was kept in a cooler at a NASCAR race, so it's just right!"

"I know what we can do!" Papa Beer said. "Let's go bar-hopping on Broadway in Columbus - and when we're finished, the mugs will be just right for all of us."

So the three beers called SafetyCab and went downtown - but being typical Beers, they forgot to use their "church-key" on the door.

While they were gone, along came a young woman with beautiful long blonde hair. Since Kelli Franklin from "Cornbread" was busy touring, Ashley Powell was running a basketball camp and Candace Cook was covering news -- it had to be none other than Goldihops.

Noticing the door was unlocked, Goldihops went inside the three beers' home. "Eeewww, the smell!" she exclaimed when she reached the mug at the guzzling table. "This mug of beer is too strong!"

Goldihops saw the second mug taken from the freezer. "Ice is mixed in. This mug is too weak!"

Then Goldihops spotted the open can on the table. Since she was on a low-carb diet, she said, "There! This beer is just right!"

Goldihops liked the Baby Beer's can so much, she had two more - since no beer company ever came up with the slogan, "Bet you can't down just one."

"Yawn!" yawned Goldihops after the third can. "I'm tired. I think I'll sit down and watch a ballgame." But when she went to the TV room, she noted a lounge chair with beer stains. "Eeewww! This chair is too scuzzy."

Alongside was another chair, next to a table with "Beverage Digest" magazine and a bottle of anti-bacterial soap. "This chair is too neat."

Then along the wall, Goldihops spotted a sofa with a stack of souvenir NASCAR beer cans on top. "Oh boy! This one is just right!"

But the ballgame was a boring blowout, and Goldihops soon fell fast asleep. Not long after that, the three beers came home via SafetyCab from their bar-hopping on Broadway - and they could not believe their eyes.

"Look!" exclaimed Papa Beer. "There's a spill on the table! Someone's been touching my beer."

"Look!" added Mama Beer. "The freezer door is open! Someone's been touching MY beer."

"Boo hoo!" sobbed Baby Beer. "Someone was touching my beer, and they didn't even put the empty cans in the Big Blue recycling bin."

Poor Baby Beer. He couldn't even sing about a tear in his beer -- for there was no beer here.

"What?!" exclaimed Papa Beer again. "The TV's on. I missed who won the game - but somebody's been touching my chair!"

"Huh?" asked Mama Beer. "Someone DIDN'T touch my chair."

Then Baby Beer had an epiphany. "Someone's been sleeping on our sofa - and there she is!"

Goldihops awakened at the noise of all this. "Who are you?"

"We're the three beers - and who are you?"

"I'm Goldihops - and if you touch me, I'll have you put on Fort Benning's list."

"Oh yeah?" replied Papa Beer. "I'll take you before Judge Bobby - uh, Roxann - uh, who IS the judge right now?"

At just that moment came a knock at the door. Papa Beer stomped over and opened it.

"Hello. We're from the Jehovah's Witnesses, and we're beginning our convention at the Civic Center. Would you like some free literature?"

"Hallelujah!" cried Goldihops. "I wondered where you were. I didn't have any Watchtowers left!" She rushed out the door, running toward the next house in the Busches.

"What!? Why you little...." But Papa Beer suddenly stopped, because he saw he was around religious people.

"Do you have anything on converting to sweet tea?"

To offer a story tip, make a donation or comment on this blog, write me - but be warned, I may post a reply.

If you quote from this in public somewhere, please be polite enough to let me know.

© 2003-04 Richard Burkard, All Rights Reserved.