18 DEC 08: THE DOCTOR IS OUT

The Muscogee County School Board spent Wednesday in an unusual hearing. A grade-school teacher was accused of doing her job improperly. And for a change, it had nothing to do with student romances.

The school board voted unanimously to fire Dr. Vontrice Roberson, who taught kindergarten and second grade at Martin Luther King Jr. Elementary School. Well, the proper phrasing is that her "contract was not renewed" - language Auburn University was careful NOT to use in recent days.

The principal of MLK Elementary spoke against Dr. Vontrice Roberson for several reasons. Terry Baker claimed her "lesson plan development was inadequate." I'm not sure how this could be so difficult. Go through four pages of the reading textbook, three of the math book and two of the spelling book each day - and if too many students flunk the test, repeat.

But perhaps the biggest complaint against Dr. Vontrice Roberson involved her spelling and grammar. One poster listing five rules for her classroom had at the top: "Be quite." Now hold on here! Maybe she wanted children to be quite nice, quite friendly, quite intelligent....

Well, then again - the second rule on the "Give Me Five" poster told children to "stay in your sit." Either this is a bad misspelling, or MLK Elementary is requiring all kindergarten students to sit on the floor all day.

(Yet the staff at MLK Elementary is in no position to point fingers at this woman. The school's web site refers people to a "Couselors Page" - as opposed to counselors. Does the school's Media Specialist get her own hearing in January?)

The trouble is, children in Dr. Vontrice Roberson's classes apparently didn't stay in their, uh, chairs. Several people told the school board several children would start fights in class, while the teacher stood back and did nothing. That's what happens when someone dreams of becoming a hockey referee - with the linesmen left to break up brawls.

Dr. Vontrice Roberson even was accused by a witness of leaving a five-year-old child on the playground. I think children have to be in the third grade before they can start doing reenactments of "Gilligan's Island."

So how did Dr. Vontrice Roberson explain herself at the hearing? She told the school board MLK Principal Terry Baker "harassed me constantly," and made conditions hard for her. Well, this could have been worse. Roberson could have claimed she was teaching Ebonics.

An attorney for Dr. Vontrice Roberson played a recording during the hearing, in which Terry Baker supposedly warned she would be fired if she remained at MLK Elementary. But Baker denied saying any such thing. Hmmmm - I didn't know some law offices employed staff impersonators.

When I saw this story on TV, a question immediately came to mind. If this teacher can't spell words such as "quiet" and "seat," how in the world did she get a doctorate degree? Did she buy it at a discount on eBay, or something?

A Google search for Vontrice Roberson Wednesday night only showed a couple of items. One was a Ledger-Enquirer story on her contract hearing. The other tried to connect her with outgoing school board member Joseph Roberson - who at least knows how to spell the signs on the marquee outside his church.

Cases like this sometimes bring calls for teachers to undergo competency exams, the same way students do. If they can't pass the "Iowa Test," they get sent to Iowa for retraining in the dead of winter.

But lest you think all teachers are ignorant failures, we have WRBL's "Golden Apple Award" winner for this week. She's Hardaway High School history teacher Mary Pirkle. No doubt Wednesday's honor caused all sorts of Pirkl-elation.

We're waiting for a call to be returned on an e-mail we received Wednesday. So we'll hold that for later, and check other news which came to mind....

+ The high temperature in Columbus was 75 degrees F. I talked by phone with a man in chilly Kansas City, who asked me not to "rub it in." So I didn't tell him about my wearing running shorts and no shirt in the computer room.

. + The Ledger-Enquirer reported Bill Heard's mansion in Green Island Hills is in foreclosure. Richard Hyatt's web site offered a link to an online listing of the home - where we discovered it has nine bathrooms and seven bedrooms. And you know a house has everything when it includes both "wall to wall carpet" AND hardwood floors.

+ Meanwhile, the Bill Heard name came down from his Chevrolet dealership on Manchester Expressway. It's scheduled to reopen today as Legacy Chevrolet. At least that's what they said on TV - but I'm still waiting for that anonymous envelope, offering me a chance to win a cheap MP-3 player.

+ The Georgia State Board of Barbers voted to bar pets in barber shops, except for guide and assistance dogs. Countless small towns across the state could be affected by this - as barbers build back porches, so their hound dogs have a place to sleep.

+ Auburn trampled Tuskegee in men's college basketball 75-32. So what inspired Jeff Lebo's team to have such a big win? Did someone post Tommy Tuberville posters near his office?

+ Instant Message to the young couple I passed on the Riverwalk at Sixth Street - with the guy teeing up rocks, which the girl batted into the river: Truly baseball season never ends in Columbus....

-> Our other blog starts with poker, and goes in unusual directions from there. Visit "On the Flop!" <--

2008 IN REVIEW CON'D: February began with "Super Tuesday" for the Presidential candidates. Barack Obama was the Democratic winner in our area, and went on to win the White House. Mike Huckabee was the Republican winner, and now has qualified for his own show on Fox News Channel.

Opelika's City Council voted in February to give the mayor a $20,000 raise. Then Mayor Gary Fuller promised to give away that money if he won re-election. Fuller won a second term as mayor - and we hope Tommy Tuberville enjoys that extra money.

The Muscogee County School Board President faced some embarrassment in February. The Ledger-Enquirer discovered James Walker co-owned a building which owed delinquent taxes, and was about to go up for auction. Let's all hope the new school administration building doesn't run into this problem....

A petition was filed in Russell County Court during February to dissolve the town of Hurtsboro. Of course, it was filed by Constable Robert Schweiger - whose efforts to eliminate the town have failed so often that he's starting to look like a cartoon coyote.

The Columbus NAACP moved to a new office in February. It's downtown on Third Avenue - close enough to the Government Center that Bill Madison now walks there and gripes anytime he pleases.

Columbus State University had some controversy in February, when an auditorium was booked for an evangelistic campaign by the Seventh-Day Adventists. The series led to a few Adventist baptisms - yet C.S.U. sports teams refuse to stop playing games on Saturday afternoons.

Area workers were busy in February applying for jobs at the Kia plant in West Point. The deadline passed early in the month - well before angry Chrysler employees in Michigan could organize a protest ride to Troup County.

A new on-demand air service for Columbus was announced in February. But DayJet was out of business by the end of the year - which apparently means local travelers aren't demanding enough.

A weird story developed in February at the Imagination Station day care center. An employee was accused of dragging children around by their ears. I mean, the caveman in Geico commercials doesn't even do that....

Severe storms struck the Columbus area during mid-February. It clearly was the work of Satan - because it caused WXTX to interrupt the Daytona 500 several times for weather updates.

February brought the annual "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit issue - and a college student from Phenix City was included inside. Many Baptists were disappointed to learn she was NOT merely one of the "Faces in the Crowd."

February ended with the saddest Blog Exclusive we've ever had - the arrest of a former Pioneer Little League board member on child sexual exploitation charges. We're still waiting for someone at this humor blog to send some jokes about the case. Not even teenagers with crazed minds have dared to come up with any.

COMING SOON: The woman who could be this area's successor to "Duke and the Doctor"....

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